The Onion Presents Part 8

"We must be patient with the Iraqis," said Bush, seated before a Christmas tree dotted with Scottish terrier ornaments. "The holidays can be a very stressful time, especially for people not yet used to the customs. I'm sure Iraq will enjoy the happiest of holiday seasons if we show resolve and commit to making sure that they do."

President Bush then called for 30,000 new troops to be deployed in the next week to ensure an effective and precise enforcement of Christmas throughout the region. Salvation and 8th Army detachments will be stationed on every corner by Christmas Eve to make sure that every last Iraqi citizen spends the holiday at home, with family.

Sanchez said he is confident that he can meet that deadline.

"A merry Christmas in Iraq means peace in the Middle East has finally been achieved," Sanchez said. "G.o.d bless us, every one."

STATSHOT.

NEWS IN BRIEF.

Real-Life Grinch Celebrates 'Hanukkah'

FREDONIA, KS-A real-life Grinch was found Monday in Fredonia, where, unlike his fellow residents, Josh Baum refuses to celebrate Christmas. "I'm looking forward to a nice Hanukkah," the Yuletide-shunning misanthrope said. "We'll be lighting the same menorah that's been in my family for generations." Baum would not comment on the possibility that spontaneous Christmas caroling would cause his small heart to grow three sizes.

OPINION.

The Pagan Deviltry Of The Christ's Ma.s.s Holiday And How We Must Resist Its Temptation By Reverend Angus Hustings The Winter Solstice has not yet fallen upon us, yet the Parish is already cover'd in a dense Blanket of Snow; the Boys of our Town Ship, I am sorry to testify, have cast aside their School Primers and Lunch Encas.e.m.e.nts to build Ramparts of Snow, and to heave Spheres of a kindr'd Nature at one another in great Jollity and lightness of Spirit.

I discover'd this whilst arduously negotiating my Way across the Publick Square, during which it was my abject Misfortune to be struck by one of these Snow Projectiles; its Velocity drove the Stove Pipe Hat from my Head.

I was quite Scarlet with Rage, and I swiftly box'd the Ears of the churlish young Hobbledehoy who lobb'd the offending Missile. For the Hat was a cherish'd Gift from an esteem'd Prelate of our Synod who was a Cla.s.s Mate of mine at Seminary so many Years ago. The purblind Urchin could only whimper in Reply and alleg'd that it was merely unintentional Happenstance. But I knew my Cause was just; for did not David the King spake unto the Lord, "Thou hast also given me the Necks of mine Enemies, that I might destroy them that hate me"?

I promptly seiz'd the Whelp by his smarting Ear and led him to his Master, whom I knew as the Town Green Grocer. The Green Grocer thank'd me for my Attentions, claiming that he was sorely behind in his Labours, and need'd his Boy to affix Price Labels onto a great Mult.i.tude of Fruit Roll Ups.

The Boy set to loud Moaning, and sobb'd that he was most weary of engaging in this particular Trade, as he was fast losing the Sensation in his Wrists; but the Green Grocer gave him a great Clout and told him to mind. The Grocer then explain'd unto me that, being as it is the joyous Season of the Christ's Ma.s.s, the Boy's Mind fairly dances with Visions of Sugar Plums and other rare Yule Tide Delights, and he is less apt to apply himself to more sobering Tasks.

Verily, I would not have been more shock'd and appall'd if he had said that The Boy was the Devil himself. For the Holiday known as the Christ's Ma.s.s is fraught with Pagan Deviltry that finds no Liturgical Justification in the Holy Scriptures.

Where in the Gospels does it mention that, to honor the Birth of our Divine Saviour, one must adorn an Ever Green Tree with gild'd Spangles and Baubles? Or that gaily disguis'd Sundries be plac'd under this Tree, to be exchang'd later as Idolatrous Tokens of Good Will amongst Lov'd Ones? Or that one may, with one's Bosom Companions, regale the Homes of one's Town Ship with melodious Carols, imbibe the Nog compris'd of Eggs, feast upon the Hart, cut merry Capers, await the Coming of a beard'd Gentle Man upon a Sledge drawn by Elk, and glide upon the frozen Pond in Blad'd Shoes? Not a Trace of this is to be found in the Good Book.

I submit that such Expressions of Holiday Cheer are of the purest Heresy; and did not our Divine Saviour say unto the Scribes and Pharisees, "He that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never Forgiveness, but is in Danger of eternal d.a.m.nation"? The truly Pious will observe the Christ's Ma.s.s Tide as they would any other Day of the Year: swath'd in a Hair Shirt and scourging oneself repeatedly with a Cow Hide.

When I first became Rector of this Parish, I was most shock'd and vex'd to find that my Predecessor had inst.i.tut'd a yearly Pageant to commemorate the Christ's Ma.s.s Holiday. In this Pageant, a Number of Children were adorn'd to resemble the Holy Family, the Magi, Shepherds, and Angels. After they perform'd the Story of the Nativity, the Congregation gather'd around a gaudily bedeck'd Yule Tree and ate Johnny Cakes bak'd to resemble Stars and Bells.

Then, the Pastor, dress'd as the beard'd Father of Christ's Ma.s.s, pa.s.s'd out Gifts to the Young. I would have none of that. Instead of permitting the Children to masquerade immodestly as Angels and Saints, I lock'd them in my Rectory Study, and drill'd them endlessly in the rote Memorization of the Book of Numbers.

Alas, the Temptation to indulge in the barbarous Festivities of the Christ's Ma.s.s is great indeed, as I bore Witness in the very Parsonage in which I, the Good Woman Hustings and our eight Off Spring dwell. One Evening before the Day of the Christ's Ma.s.s, as I was about to douse the Parlor Hearth, I heard a faint Creaking upon the Ceiling. I determin'd that the Noise was emanating from the Sleeping Quarters of my Children. Furious that they had disobeyed their strict Bed Time of Seven O'Clock, I swiftly made my way Up Stairs and flung open the Door of their Chamber. I was absolutely Aghast to find them huddled upon the Floor, preparing to divide into Portions a small Plum Pudding.

My Wrath waxing most Hot, I seiz'd my eldest Son, Neville, by his coa.r.s.e Sack Cloth Garment, and gave him a sound Shake, for I consider'd him responsible for leading his younger siblings Astray. "What?" I cried unto them. "Have you forsaken all that you have been taught in the Bible of the Lord our G.o.d and chosen to adopt the Ways of the UnG.o.dly, as did the Children of Israel when they shunn'd the Covenant of G.o.d and worshiped the Molten Calf?"

"If you please, Sir," Neville simpered. "The Pudding was a Gift of a Neighbor Lady, who took Pity upon us, that we had no Christ's Ma.s.s Cheer of our own. She cook'd it upon her very Hearth herself, and present'd it to us when you were away, so that we may enjoy the Good Tidings of the Blessed Season."

Great was my Anguish, as I realiz'd that my Years of Tireless Preaching had borne rotten Fruit. As Punishment, I forc'd my Children to sleep upon Nettles, drink rancid Gravy. and recite the Book of Leviticus before they could go to the Out House.

For did not Moses speak unto all Israel, "The Lord shall establish thee an holy People unto Himself, as He hath sworn unto thee, if thou shalt keep the Commandments of the Lord thy G.o.d, and walk in his Ways"? And none of his Ways include the Eating of the Plum Pudding, and the Viewing of the Elk with the Crimson Nose upon the Television Set. With that in Mind, may Peace be unto you, in the Name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen.

NEWS.

Area Stores Stock Up On s.h.i.t CHICAGO-With the official start of the holiday season just days away, Chicago retailers-like those across the U.S.-are bracing for the coming onslaught of shoppers with an unprecedented stockup on s.h.i.t.

In antic.i.p.ation of the hordes of shoppers the holiday season brings, area retailers are busy filling their shelves with s.h.i.t.

"You wouldn't believe how much s.h.i.t we are selling," said Amos Frawley, manager of a Chicago-area Wal-Mart store. "Electric razors, Toy Story videos, novelty ties, football phones, Hickory Farms cheese-and-meat gift sets-you name it, they're buying it. We're packing every inch of shelf s.p.a.ce with s.h.i.t, and we still can't keep up with the demand."

Among the s.h.i.t expected to reach new sales levels this year is Christmas-themed s.h.i.t, such as shiny tree decorations and ceramic, hand-painted Santa figurines. Also expected to sell well are articles of clothing which light up at night, such as glow-in-the-dark Joe Boxerbrand boxer shorts and battery-operated Dearfoam slippers with special "Nite-Lites" attached to the front.

"Novelty s.h.i.t always seems to sell well," said Elaine Maier, head apparel buyer for an area Marshall Field's department store. "Then again, around this time of year, people will buy just about any s.h.i.t they can get their hands on."

Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, IL, is getting into the spirit of the holidays-and of selling loads of s.h.i.t-by decorating its courtyard in a "Wonderland of s.h.i.t" motif featuring Christmas-themed s.h.i.t from all 172 of its stores. Actor Jeff Goldblum is slated to appear at the mall Friday to officially kick off the festivities by reciting his famous Jura.s.sic Park line, "That is one big pile of s.h.i.t."

Though Christmas is still weeks away, the shopping has already hit a fever pitch. "I got to the mall at 6 a.m. today, two hours before it even opened," said Edgar Janks of DeKalb, IL. "I want first crack at the s.h.i.t. n.o.body wants to get there after all the good s.h.i.t's gone."

Said Chicago's Debra Tanner, who was at the mall Monday to buy a large amount of s.h.i.t, including a cordless phone, a Charlotte Hornets NBA Starter jacket, and a five-speed foot ma.s.sager: "I don't have nearly enough time to get the s.h.i.t I need."

Lower prices are also expected to spur purchases of s.h.i.t this year. Toys "R" Us, the nation's largest toy retailer, is aggressively promoting its seasonal slogan, "The s.h.i.t you want at the best prices."

"Not only is there more s.h.i.t this year than ever before," said noted economist Milton Friedenzohn, "but what there is is far s.h.i.ttier. The Sanyo boom boxes being sold this year, for example, are even more likely to break than those from the previous year. And those new Panasonic WebTVs are just s.h.i.t."

In addition to familiar retailers, shops specializing in seasonal s.h.i.t are opening temporarily in hopes of capitalizing on the December craving for s.h.i.t. "Christmas s.h.i.t," "Wicks 'n' s.h.i.t," and "Bob's s.h.i.ttery" are just a few of the stores offering customers nothing but s.h.i.t.

Even supermarkets are altering their inventories to meet the demand for s.h.i.t, filling shelves with decorative snack tins featuring depictions of Santa Claus, which cost twice as much as comparable items that come in ordinary packaging. Also available are pfefferneuse cookies, eggnog, and holiday Oreo cookies with red s.h.i.t inside.

Said Friedenzohn: "There's going be a whole lot of s.h.i.t under America's Christmas trees this year."

STATSHOT.

NEWS IN PHOTOS.

44 Suspicious Packages Detonated Under White House Christmas Tree

NEWS.

Holiday Advertisers Seek Coveted d.i.c.ktard Demographic NEW YORK-The advertising blitz before the holiday shopping season seems to come earlier and earlier, and this year is no exception, with more retailers than ever seeking to tap into the seemingly limitless spending power of the highly desirable d.i.c.ktard demographic.

d.i.c.ktards flock to major shopping centers this season.

"Since Thanksgiving, the advertising industry has spent over $1 billion to influence what American d.i.c.ktards, a.s.s-wipes, and c.o.c.k-k.n.o.bs will put under their Christmas trees," Merrill Lynch retail a.n.a.lyst Barbour Scott said. "By the third week in December, that number is expected to quadruple, as the courting process intensifies for the gnat-like attention of these witless lamebrains."

d.i.c.ktard spending dollars, as well as those of the smaller but ever more important d.i.c.kweed and dipstick market segments, can mean the difference between a fourth-quarter boom or bust for major retailers.

"The major chains can no longer just stock their shelves and expect the d.i.c.ktards to come pouring in," Scott said. "They need to be told where to go and what to buy-10 million NASCAR toilet seats don't sell themselves."

The d.i.c.ktard demographic-a nationwide consumer base that crosses all economic cla.s.ses and levels of income-was once the sole province of dullard-friendly superstores like Wal-Mart and Sears. But in recent years, these companies have lost market share to smaller outlets and online stores, which allow not only d.i.c.ktards, but a.s.shats and douchelords as well, to consume more products faster.

"The compet.i.tion for the d.i.c.ktard spender is unbelievably fierce," said Scott, who also follows trends among c.u.n.tlicks and f.u.c.kbrains. "Retailers target shoppers who will buy a $5 item for $50, or who will purchase an electric card-shuffler on a whim, only to lose interest in it two weeks later, clearing the way for even more impulse buying the following quarter."

Within the d.i.c.ktard segment are a series of specific subsets, including b.i.t.c.h-holes, known for their fleeting emotional attachment to products such as scented candles and baby figurines, and s.h.i.twads, who often spend up to 45 percent of their annual income on expensive electronics and pricey upgrades to expensive electronics.

While no retail chain could decisively claim the d.i.c.ktard sales trophy last December, stores such as Target, Best Buy, and Abercrombie & Fitch were among the most successful at luring buyers to their checkout aisles. Target has shown early promise this year by marketing directly to d.i.c.ktards with the brightly colored and inoffensive ad campaign "Holiday Magic-You Deserve It."

"We truly don't care what kind of c.r.a.p these people buy, as long as it's our c.r.a.p," Target CEO Bob Ulrich said. "Throw in some flattery, make them think that the decision to come to our store was made out of their own free will-that seems to work. Whatever it takes to get these lard-a.s.s nimrods into our stores, we're going to do it."

As the holiday shopping season takes off, manufacturers are also reaching out to d.i.c.ktards with ads appealing to their inherent attraction to lifestyles that do not, in actuality, approximate their own.

"Who, outside of professional carpenters and maybe a few serious woodworking hobbyists, honestly needs a HandiSaw?" said Black & Decker spokesman Rory Cantwell, referring to the cordless tool his company has marketed to f.u.c.kfaced noobs as a holiday gift favorite. "These puds have no use for it and, in fact, could seriously injure themselves with it. But if we just pitch it as this handy way for real men to cut through stuff, they go flying off the shelves. Same goes for our Power Mop, which, again, is completely useless."

"And if we can work a pair of b.o.o.bs and an American flag into the ads, we're virtually guaranteed holiday green," he added.

NEWS IN BRIEF.

Pony-Wanting Ron Artest To Be On Best Behavior Till Christmas INDIANAPOLIS-Just over one year since Ron Artest climbed into the stands at the Palace of Auburn Hills and took a swing at a fan, resulting in a suspension, a fine, and an empty stocking, the Pacers forward said that he has learned from his mistakes, and knows that any misstep on or off the court during the 2005 holiday season could severely hurt his chances of getting that pony he's been asking for. "Last year, I let my emotions get the best of me-I let down my teammates, my fans, my family, myself, and Santa," Artest said. "Now that I know I'm being watched and scrutinized, I'm going to make an extra-special effort to be nice, whether it means keeping my temper in check during an in-game flare-up, or helping do ch.o.r.es around the house. It's the only way to earn back the respect I need to get Princess." Artest added that after Christmas, any critics, opponents, or fans "better be on their best behavior," as he is making a New Year's resolution to punch someone.

OPINION.

How Very Special A Room Of Jean's Own

By Jean Teasdale

I don't have to tell you Jeanketeers that Christmas is just around the corner, which means it's time for-you got it-TV Christmas specials. Even though I eagerly welcome the return of trusty old Rudolph and Frosty (who doesn't?), there's one type of special that's missing these days, and that's the old variety-show type with real singers and dancers. You know, like Andy Williams and Perry Como. Maybe some of you old-timers out there (don't worry, I won't give away your ages!!) remember the days when big music stars weren't too "cool" to wear red sweaters, drink steaming hot chocolate, and welcome a children's choir into their ski lodge.

What if one of the networks gave your old pal Jean a pile of money and let her direct her own holiday special? Well, it would go a little something like this ...

Over a beautiful country snow scene, fade in. The t.i.tle credits: "Jean Teasdale's Ho-Ho-Ho-larious Christmas! Sponsored by Reunite, Dolley Madison, Norelco, and Hallmark Cards." (Just like the old specials!) Then two dozen dancers in dazzling silver and gold costumes trimmed with white fur rush into view, spinning and frolicking. Only, unlike typical holiday-special dancers, they aren't skinny and leggy-they're all different sizes and shapes. Well, mostly sort of plump, like me. But no one tells them they aren't good enough or s.e.xy enough. This special is all about inclusion.

Then the dancers line up in front of a charming, life-size gingerbread house and say in unison, "Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, that real-life vision of sugarplums herself, Jean Teasdale!" (Or something like that.) And then I come out, dressed in a long green skirt that looks like a conifer tree, and I sing "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree." (Technically, I don't sing very well, but this special would be all about fun and not judging, as well as inclusion.) And of course, everyone dances around me, and at the end of the song, there's a flash, and it's revealed that the dancers have transformed into tiny ornaments and cover my skirt! Imaginative, huh?