The Magic Pudding Part 10

'You can't wear hats that high, without there's puddin's under them,'

said Bill.

'That's not puddin's,' said the Possum; 'that's ventilation. He wears his hat like that to keep his brain cool.'

'Very well,' said Bill. 'I call on Ben Brandysnap, as an independent witness whose bag has been stolen, to prove what's under that hat.'

Ben put on his spectacles in order to study the Wombat carefully, and gravely p.r.o.nounced this judgement--

'When you see a hat Stuck up like that You remark with some surprise, "Has he been to a shop, And bought for his top A hat of the largest size?"

'Or else you say, As you note the way He wears it like a wreath, "It cannot be fat That bulges his hat; He's got something underneath."

'But whether or not It's a Puddin' he's got Can only be settled by lifting his pot.

Or by taking a stick, A stone or a brick, And hitting him hard on the head with it quick.

If he yells, you hit fat, If he doesn't, well that Will prove it's a Puddin' that's under his hat.'

'Now are you satisfied?' asked Bill, and they all shouted--

'Hurrah! hurray!

Just listen to that; He knows the way To bell the cat.

You'd better obey His judgement pat,

'Without delay Remove the hat; It's t.i.t-for-tat, We tell you flat, You'll find it pay To lift your hat.

'Obey the mandate of our chosen lawyer, Remove that hat, or else we'll do it faw yer.'

'No, no,' said the Possum, shaking his head. 'No removing people's hats.

Removing hats is larceny, and you'll get six months for it.'

'No bashing heads, either,' said the Wombat. 'That's manslaughter, and we'll have you hung for it.'

Bill scratched his head. 'This is an unforeseen predicament,' he said.

'Just mind them puddin'-thieves a minute, Ben, while we has a word in private.' He took Sam and Bunyip aside, and almost gave way to despair.

'What a frightful situation,' wailed he. 'We can't unlawfully take a puddin'-thief's hat off, and while it remains on who's to prove our Puddin's under it? This is one of the worst things that's happened to Sam and me for years.'

'It's worse than being chased by wart-hogs,' said Sam.

'It's worse than rolling off a cowshed,' said Bill.

'It's worse than wearing soup tureens for hats,' said Sam.

'It's almost as bad as swallowing thistle b.u.t.tons,' said Bill, and both sang loudly--

'It's worse than running in a fright, Pursued by Polar bears; It's worse than being caught at night By lions in their lairs.

'It's worse than barrel organs when They play from night till morn; It's worse than having large-sized men A-standing on your corn.

'It's worse than when at midnight you Tread on a silent cat, To have a puddin'-s.n.a.t.c.her who Will not remove his hat.'

'All is not yet lost,' said Bunyip Bluegum. 'Without reverting to violent measures, I will engage to have the hat removed.'

'You will?' exclaimed Bill, grasping Bunyip by the hand.

'I will,' said Bunyip firmly. 'All I ask is that you strike a dignified att.i.tude in the presence of these scoundrels, and, at a given word, follow my example.'

They all struck a dignified att.i.tude in front of the puddin'-thieves, and Bunyip Bluegum, raising his hat, struck up the National Anthem, the others joining in with superb effect.

'Hats off in honour to our King,' shouted Bill, and off came all the hats. The puddin'-thieves, of course, were helpless. The Wombat had to take his hat off, or prove himself disloyal, and there was Puddin'

sitting on his head.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

'Now who's a liar?' shouted Bill, hitting the Possum a swinging blow on the snout, while Sam gave the Wombat one of his famous over-arm flip flaps that knocked all the wind out of him. The Wombat tried to escape punishment by shouting, 'Never strike a man with a Puddin' on his head'; but, now that their guilt was proved, Bill and Sam were utterly remorseless, and gave the puddin'-thieves such a trouncing that their shrieks pierced the firmament. When this had been done, all hands gave them an extra thumping in the interests of common morality. Eggs were rubbed in their hair by Benjimen, and Bill and Sam attended to the beating and snout-bending, while Bunyip did the reciting. Standing on a stump, he declaimed--

[Ill.u.s.tration]

'The blows you feel we do not deal In common, vulgar thumping; To higher motives we appeal-- It is to teach you not to steal, Your head we now are b.u.mping.

You need not go on pumping Appeals for kinder dealing, We like to watch you jumping, We like to hear you squealing.

We rather think this thumping Will take a bit of healing.

We hope these blows upon the nose, These bended snouts, these tramped-on toes, These pains that you are feeling The truth will be revealing How wrong is puddin'-stealing.'

Then, with great solemnity, he recited the following fine moral lesson--

[Ill.u.s.tration]

'A puddin'-thief, as I've heard tell, Quite lost to n.o.ble feeling, Spent all his days, and nights as well, In constant puddin'-stealing.

'He stole them here, he stole them there, He knew no moderation; He stole the coa.r.s.e, he stole the rare, He stole without cessation.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration]

'He stole the steak-and-kidney stew That housewives in a rage hid; He stole the infant's Puddin' too, The Puddin' of the aged.

'He lived that Puddin's he might lure, Into his clutches stealthy; He stole the Puddin' of the poor, The Puddin' of the wealthy.

'This evil wight went forth one night Intent on puddin'-stealing, When he beheld a hidden light A secret room revealing.

'Within he saw a fearful man, With eyes like coals a-glowing, Whose frightful whiskers over-ran His face, like weeds a-blowing;

'And there this fearful, frightful man, A sight to set you quaking, With pot and pan and curse and ban, Began a Puddin' making.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

''Twas made of buns and boiling oil, A carrot and some nails-O!

A lobster's claws, the k.n.o.bs off doors, An onion and some snails-O!

'A pound of fat, an old man rat, A pint of kerosene-O!