The Lincoln Story Book Part 42

"This Robert Lewis, on coming of age, found papers in his father's muniments, ent.i.tling him as heir to lands in northeastern Missouri, where the Mormons had attempted settling before their enforced exodus.

There was no railroad, so Lewis rode out to that part and thought he had located the land. For the night he stopped at a solitary log house. A gruff voice bade him come in, not very hospitably. The owner was a long, lanky man about eleven feet high, 'Bob' thought. He had a rifle hanging on its hooks over the fireplace, also about eleven feet long, Bob also reckoned. He was interrupted in 'necking' bullets, for they were cast in a mold and left a little protuberance where the run left off.

"This first comer had been there some time and seemed to know the section, but was rather indifferent to the stranger's inquiries about the site of _his_ lands. Teased at this unconcern, so opposite to the usual feeling of settlers who like a neighbor in the lonesomeness, Lewis hastened to lay down the law:

"'He was looking up the paternal purchase. Here were the t.i.tles,'

spreading out the papers. 'That is _my_ t.i.tle to this section.

You are on it. What is yours?'

"The other had shown some slight interest in the topic by this time.

He paused in his occupation and pointed with his long arm to the long rifle, saying:

"'Young man, do you see that gun? That is _my_ t.i.tle, and if you do not git out o' hyar pretty quick, you will feel the force of it!'

"Lewis crammed his papers into his saddle-bags and rushed out to bestride his pony--but said that the man snapped his gun at him twice before he was out of range.

"Now," resumed Mr. Lincoln, "the military authorities have the same t.i.tle against the civil ones--the guns! The gentlemen themselves may judge what the result is likely to be!"

Mr. Weldon reported to his employers, at Willard's Hotel, and they laughed heartily at the ill.u.s.tration, but they did not proceed with the cotton _speck_, understanding what would be the Administration's policy as well as if a proclamation were issued.--(By Judge Weldon.)

"CHEERS NOT MILITARY--BUT I LIKE THEM!"

After the disarray of the first Bull Run battle, the President drove out to the camps to rally the "boys _in the blues_." General Sherman was only a colonel, and he had the rudeness of a military man to hint to the visitor that he hoped the orator would not speak so as to encourage cheering and confusion. The President stood up in his carriage and prefaced his speech with this exordium:

"Don't cheer, boys; I confess that I rather like it, myself; but Colonel Sherman, here, says it isn't military, and I guess we had better defer to his opinion." With his inimitable wink, which would have been an independent fortune to a stage comedian.

NUMBERING THE HAIRS OF HIS--TAIL!

A Congressional committee selected to examine and report upon a new cannon, produced so voluminous a tome that Lincoln, reviewing it, dropped it in disgust and commented:

"I should want a new lease of life to read this through! Why can't a committee of this kind occasionally exhibit a grain of common sense?

If I send a man to buy a horse for me, I expect him to tell me his points, not how many hairs there are in his tail!"--(Authenticated by Mr. Hubbard, member of Congress of Connecticut, to whom the remark was addressed.)

AN UNCONVENTIONAL ORDER.

On going over the minor orders, riders, and corrections of the President, it will be seen that he never succ.u.mbed to conforming with the stale and set phrases of the civil-service doc.u.ments. For an instance of his unquenchable humor read the following discharge:

Two brothers, Smiths, of Boston, had been arrested, held, and persecuted for a long period by a military tribunal. The charge was defrauding the government. The hue and cry about the cheating contractors called for a victim. But the Chief Executive on perusing the testimony concluded that the defendants were guiltless. He wrote the subsequent release:

"Whereas, Franklin W. and J. C. Smith had transactions with the Navy Department to the amount of one and a quarter millions of dollars; and, whereas, they had the chance to steal a million, and were charged with stealing twenty-two hundred dollars--and the question now is stealing a hundred--I don't believe they stole anything at all!

Therefore, the record and findings are disapproved--declared null and void--and the defendants are fully discharged."

"IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I AM COMMANDER!"

To the prairie man the climate of Washington would be almost tropical.

Nevertheless, it partic.i.p.ates of American meteorological variability, as "Old Probability" would admit.

One night, Lincoln, coming out of his rooms at the Executive Mansion to make his nocturnal round, finishing with the call for the latest despatches at garrison headquarters, noticed as the fierce gale shook him and scourged him with sleet, that a soldier was contending with the storm just outside the outer door.

"Young man," said he, turning sharply to him, "you have got a cold job to-night. Step inside and guard there."

The soldier stoutly contended--for the colloquy became an argument by Lincoln's delight in debate. He persisted that he was posted there by orders and must not budge save by a superior countermand.

"Hold on, there!" cried Lincoln, pleased at the arguer supplying him with a decisive weapon; "it occurs to me that I am commander-in-chief!

and so, I order you to go inside!"

COMPLIMENTS IS ALL THEY DO PAY!

A paymaster introduced to the President by the United States district marshal, remarked with independence noticeable in the sect: "I have no official business with you, sir--I only called to pay my compliments!"

"I understand," was the retort; "and from the soldiers' complaints, I think that is all you gentlemen do pay!"

BAIL THE POTOMAC WITH A SPOON.

There is as pathetic a picture as the old sated Marquis of Queensberry (Thackeray's Steyne and history's "Old Q.") murmuring as he gazed from his castle window on the unsurpa.s.sed view of the Thames Valley, "Oh, this cursed river running on all the day!" in President Lincoln watching the broad Potomac where all was so quiet, and yet the hidden and watchful enemy lined the other bank. A pet.i.tioner hemmed him in a corner of the room with this sight, and poured on him the bucket of his woes. The at last irritated worm turned on him, and cried:

"My poor man! go away! do go away! I cannot meddle in your case. I could as easily bail the Potomac with a teaspoon as attend to all the details of the army!"

"WE SHALL BEAT THEM, MY SON!"

George W. Curtis, New York editor, called on the President in the first winter of the war, with the Illinoisian's friend, Judge Arnold.

He said that the official wore a sad, weary, and anxious look, and spoke with a softened, touching voice. But he added to his good-by at the door in shaking hands, with paternal kindness and profound conviction: