The Lincoln Story Book Part 20

GROUNDS FOR A FINANCIAL ESTIMATE.

When the mercantile agencies were young, they acquired a consensus of opinion upon a business man by annoying his acquaintances with inquiries. One such house queried of Lincoln about one of his neighbors. His reply was a smart burlesque on the bases on which they rated their registered "listed."

"I am well acquainted with Mr. X----, and know his circ.u.mstances.

First of all, he has a wife and baby; together, they ought to be worth $50,000 to any man. Secondly, he has an office in which there is a table worth $1.50, and three chairs worth, say, $1. Last of all, there is in one corner a large rat-hole, which will bear _looking into!_ Respectfully, etc."

"I WANTED TO SEE THEM SPREAD!"

It is related that the ushers and secret service officials on duty at the Executive Mansion during the war were p.r.o.ne to congregate in a little anteroom and exchange reminiscences. This was directly against instructions by the President.

One night the guard and ushers were gathered in the little room talking things over, when suddenly the door opened, and there stood President Lincoln, his shoes in his hand.

All the crowd scattered save one privileged individual, the Usher Pendel, of the President's own appointment, as he had been kind to the Lincoln children.

The intruder shook his finger at him and, with a.s.sumed ferocity, growled:

"Pendel, you people remind me of the boy who set a hen on forty-three eggs."

"How was that, Mr. President?" asked Pendel.

"A youngster put forty-three eggs under a hen, and then rushed in and told his mother what he had done.

"'But a hen can't set on forty-three eggs,' replied the mother.

"'No, I guess she can't, but I just wanted to see her spread herself.'

"That's what I wanted to see you boys do when I came in," said the President, as he left for his apartments.--(By Thomas Pendel, still usher, in 1900.)

THE LINCOLN NON SEQUITUR.

Though a Democrat, Member of Congress John Ganson, of New York, supported the President, and he thought himself ent.i.tled to enjoy what no one had surprised or captured--the confidence of Abraham's bosom, as was the current phrase. He, calling, insisted that he ought to know the true situation of things military and political, so that he might justify himself among his friends. Ganson was bald as the egg and was the most clean-shaven of men. The "Northern Nero" eyed the presumptuous satrap fixedly, and drawled:

"Ganson, how clean you shave!"

He had escaped another inquisition by his close shave. (Told by Senator C. M. Depew.)

WHY SO MANY COMMON PEOPLE.

Like another Daniel, Lincoln interpreted dreams. He said that he had one in this guise:

He imagined he was in a great a.s.semblage like one of his receptions multiplied. The ma.s.s described a hedge to let him pa.s.s. He thought that he heard one of them remark:

"That is a common-looking fellow!"

To whom Lincoln replied--still in the dream:

"Friend, the Lord loves common-looking people--that is why He made so many of them."

(NOTE.--Another current saying subst.i.tutes "the poor" for "common.")

ENVY OF A HUMORIST.

It is difficult for the present generation to perceive the streak of fun in "the Petroleum V. Nasby Papers" which regaled our grandfathers, and Mr. Lincoln above others, who waited eagerly for the next letter in the press. He requested the presentation of the author, John Locke, and thanked him face to face--neither, like the augurs, able to keep his _face_--for such antidotes to the blues. He said to a friend of "the Postmaster at Confedrit X-rodes":

"If 'Petroleum' would impart his talent to me, I would swap places with him!"

THE STOPPER ON JOURNALISTIC "GAS."

Having examined a model cannon devised not to allow the escape of gas, he quizzically glanced at the group of newspaper reporters, and said:

"I really believe this does what it is represented to do. But do any of you know of any machine or invention for preventing the escape of _gas_ from newspaper establishments?"

SALT BEFORE PEPPER.

The Cabinet being a.s.sembled in September, 1862, to consider the first draft of the Emanc.i.p.ation Act, those not yet familiar with the chairman's habit to supply a whet before the main dish, were startled that he should preface the business by reading the New York paper-- _Vanity Fair_--continuing the series of "Artemus Ward's" tour with his show. This paper was the "High-handed Outrage at Utica."

He laughed his fill over it, while the grave signiors frowned and yet struggled to keep their countenances.

If they had more experience, they would have heard him read "Josh Billings," particularly "On the Mule," from the New York _Weekly_ columns. It was as "good as a play," the stenographers said, to see the President dart a glance over his spectacle-rims at some demure counselor whose molelike machinations were more than suspected, and with mock solemnity declaim:

"'I hev known a mewl to be good for six months jest ter git a chance to kick his owner!'" In allusion to those remarkable feats of arms and--legs--Early's or Stuart's raids and Jackson's forced rapid marches, almost at horse-speed, when the men carried no rations, but ate corn-ears taken from the shucks and roasted them "at their pipes,"

the droll ruler would bring in that "mewl" again: