The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer Part 8

"Or rather the water, Billy," said the cook, who loved his joke.

"That little error can easily be rectified by our settling with the Church Hulk first; but these are mere details. The workers, my lads, shall have their reward; and the clerical Lazarus shall sit down at the same table as the clerical Dives."

"But robbing a church," said the butcher, "is about the last thing a fellow ought to do, is it not?"

"The end, Billy, will justify the means," the carpenter remarked.

"Our master, the Buccaneer," said the cook, "was not above robbing a church once, and who will say he did wrong? Of course his conscience-healers will find justification for the act if he pays them well, and as they read history by the light of faith, and not altogether by facts, they can prove all things entirely to their own satisfaction, and what would have been an act of robbery in others, would be, when they were concerned, a most laudable action. Faith, as is well known, my mates, can work wonders, and it can overcome a mountain of the most obstinate facts with the greatest ease."

"But suppose they turn to and curse us," asked the butcher, who evidently had some qualms of conscience.

"And suppose they do," cried the cook. "Are we a lot of old women to be frightened by such things. Know you not the saying, Billy, that curses come home to roost? Let them curse then."

"Where is Chisel?" the carpenter asked.

"I am here," a voice said out of the darkness.

"Not hearing you, mate, I thought you must have slipped away."

"It appears to me," replied the carpenter's mate, "that there is little need for me to say much, considering that I am expected to do all the dirty work."

"Who will say that anything is dirty work?" replied the cook. "The worker purifies and elevates the work." Pepper was a philosopher. The carpenter continued, "Mates, rest a.s.sured of this; if it suits the Buccaneer to sacrifice his Church Ship, he will do it, for he has an elastic conscience, which he will satisfy by saying prayers before and after the act. And as for Dogvane, well, he will wait to see which way the cat jumps. If he sees the time has come, why, then, the State Church will be cast adrift. It is not the first time that old William has robbed a church. I am not the man to say he did a wrong. Why should the Church Hulk be kept moored alongsides of the old craft? All well enough when she ruled the roast; but now more than two hundred sects are outside her jurisdiction, and the Chief Priest and other officers under him cannot at all times keep the unruly crew in order. They have their mutinies, and their interior economy does not seem to be just as it should be; so, my lads, she will either have to mend her ways or end them, as has been said of another of our master's ancient establishments."

"Which, my mates," said the cook, "you may leave to me. I will have my knife into the Upper Chamber yet."

"After duty comes pleasure," continued the carpenter. "Having settled the Church Hulk we must turn our attention to old Squire Broadacre. His house is in a terrible state, and must be put in order. We must pare down his property a bit, for there is a family called Hodge, a good, decent, honest, and industrious, though perhaps ignorant lot, who are but poorly off. It is the squire's duty to look after this family; but, mates, it is well known that selfishness fills h.e.l.l."

"But do you suppose that the Buccaneer is going to allow all this to be done?" exclaimed the butcher.

"It appears to me, mates," replied the carpenter, "that our friend Billy is going to throw cold water on all our plans."

"What is the use of our a.s.sembling here," asked the butcher, "if we are not allowed to speak?"

"Who wants to stop your speaking?" exclaimed the carpenter. "I certainly am not going to undertake the task, I can tell you. Our master must be talked and wheedled over, and as for old Dogvane, well, we all know that he has a d.a.m.ned tender conscience. (The oath must be pardoned. The best of carpenters, and all sailors, swear at times.) Look here, mates, I fancy I know as much about Captain Dogvane as most men. If he wants a thing done, and if so be that he has set his heart upon it, bang goes his conscience in that direction. Never was there a conscience under better control. It says to the captain's inclination, 'which way does my master want me to go, so that his servant may obey him?' Never yet did Dogvane's conscience prove him wrong, and he is at all times on the best of terms with it. Look you, our captain will say neither yea nor nay, and he will use so many words in saying so, that everyone will be at loggerheads, quarrelling over what he means, when in all probability he means nothing; but is only waiting to see which way the wind is going to blow."

Here the cook spoke: "I have great faith in the old man; but if he does not go with us, what then? All the talent is not in one head, and as for his first lieutenant, and one or two others, we can afford to lose them.

They are too slow for the times."

"Lads, in cases like this," cried the carpenter, "we must not mince matters; and if the worst comes to the worst Billy Cheeks must do his duty."

The paleness of the butcher at these ominous words was concealed. There was a terrible hidden meaning in what the carpenter said, and it made the butcher's flesh creep and his blood run cold.

"I am at all times prepared to do my duty," the butcher said, "at fly-flapping the tail end of a Tory c.o.c.kerel, or at stopping the cackle of the older birds, I will give way to no man; but I love the old captain, and I would not injure a hair of his venerable head on any account. As we all know, he is but lightly covered."

"Who wants you to injure his hair?" cried the carpenter. "Do you think we want you to be ship's barber as well as ship's butcher?" The carpenter, who began to fear that he had gone too far, thought it best to trim a bit, and therefore he advised the butcher not to be so sharp in coming to conclusions. "Of course," he said, "it's natural that you should put a professional aspect on things."

"There!" cried the butcher in alarm, "I heard the noise again."

"Then go and see what it is," the carpenter said in disgust.

"Ah! It makes no difference to me," the butcher replied. "If you other fellows did not hear it, I must have been mistaken." The cook, the carpenter, and Chisel his mate were extremely gratified at this generous admission on the part of the butcher, and they one and all said they never could remember the time when Billy Cheeks had owned himself in the wrong before. The carpenter was quite softened. Even Pepper was touched, and they all hoped that it augured no ill to the butcher, for sudden changes in disposition and character are often the unwelcome harbingers of speedy dissolution. They strongly advised Billy Cheeks to consult his medical man. This painful episode for the time quite damped the spirits of the conspirators. "If anything happens to you, Billy, where would you like to be buried?" the cook asked. They left the butcher to think the matter over, and after a while the carpenter continued: "Having got possession of everything, we will all live happily together ever afterwards." The butcher, who had recovered himself asked, "How about the old lion which keeps watch over the Buccaneer's affairs?"

"Your hand, Billy," cried the carpenter groping about in the dark, "I see you are better, and have taken up your character again of Chief Obstructionist. If you don't like to join our party, go over to the other watch. They are in want of men of substance."

"Why do you catch one up so precious sharp?" cried the butcher, irritated. "I suppose there is no harm in asking a simple question? Who wants to go over to the other watch? Haven't I always stood by you and Pepper, and defended you when you were both blackguarded and abused? One would think you two were the Buccaneer's darlings, but you are neither of you liked, though people may laugh at you, Pepper. What is the use of my being here, if I am to keep my mouth shut? Chisel may act the part of a dummy if he likes, but I will not."

"Messmate, your hand," cried the carpenter again. "No offence, old man.

We are in the same boat, therefore we must pull together. There is an old adage that applies to us."

"It is no use our quarrelling over trifles," said the cook. "The old lion is asleep: or out of wind, and he is just about as harmless as if he were stuffed with hair or straw, and no one fears him now let him roar ever so loud."

"But to ease your mind, Billy," said the carpenter, "my mate shall draw his teeth and cut his claws."

"And pray why should I have all the dirty and dangerous work to do?"

said Chisel again.

"What!" exclaimed the carpenter, in evident surprise. "Are you going to take a leaf out of the butcher's book, mate! It seems we commented upon your silence too soon; but if you are afraid to do the work; well let his teeth and claws remain. Thus the difficulty is got over with ease.

After all, it is only a detail, and we will not come to loggerheads over a detail."

"There it is again," cried the butcher, "I swear I saw something like a hand spread out fan-shape towards me. The thumb was from me, and seemed attached to a human nose."

This was very terrible, and the conspirators felt a creepy sensation all over them. But the cook rea.s.sured them all, by saying, that very often people, whose stomachs were out of order, suffered from optical delusions. He said he felt sure Billy Cheeks must have eaten something that had disagreed with him; so they took no further notice, and proceeded with the business of the evening.

"Of course we shall want a.s.sistance; but we can count upon the Ojabberaways, they are always ready for anything in the shape of a row.

They have their price, then we shall have the Hodges, and the Sikes with us. They are all ripe for action. Now another thing presents itself. We must have a head, no body can get along without a head."

"Some seem to get along very well without such a thing," said the cook.

This also was sarcasm. The cook loved it, and his tongue it was said was as sharp as needles. "Well, my mates," he continued, "of course we must have a head; but mind you, let us have no hereditary fool to fill the office; and no baubles in the shape of crowns and court paraphernalia, no court flunkies, my lads, to eat the bread of idleness, no court pimps. I am dead against crowns. They are expensive articles, no matter upon whose head they rest. Kings too often are little better than blood suckers, and blood spillers, and all by the grace of G.o.d forsooth."

The subject of a head for the new commonwealth, or whatever it was to be called, was of so grave a nature that for some few minutes not one of the conspirators spoke. Evidently each one was revolving in his own mind as to upon whom the selection ought to fall, and no doubt each could have solved the momentous question to his own entire satisfaction; but modesty kept their thoughts locked up. Presently the carpenter spoke.

"It's a detail," he said. They all agreed, and so the matter dropped, not, however, before there had been a slight pa.s.sage of arms between the carpenter and the cook. "Of course," said Chips, "you are out of the question, Pepper?"

"And why so, pray?" was the indignant reply. "I didn't say I would take the post if it were offered me; for I am not like some people I could mention, of an ambitious turn of mind. No matter who falls, so long as they mount." This must have hit the carpenter very hard.

"Whoever heard of a cook being made a ruler?" the carpenter asked.

"For the matter of that, whoever heard of a carpenter?" said the cook.

"Why Pepper, my lad, where's your schooling? Does not a carpenter's son, and one who was a carpenter himself rule the whole Christian World? But that is neither here nor there. You are too small; you would not command respect."

"Now I am surprised to hear a man of your ability, Chips, talk such utter nonsense. You seem to judge men as a butcher does his meat, by the pound. That is the sort of thing perhaps a woman might do. If that is to be your little game, you had better hoist Billy Cheeks up at once; he is not exactly a skeleton, and, no doubt, he would fill the place as well as any one else."

"No offence, Pepper, no offence, mate; it is a detail," said the carpenter.

"Then let it be a detail; and I care not who you hoist over us, so long as our head is neither expensive nor too highly gilded. But mind you, the lumber room must go."

They all agreed that this was a sensible way of looking at things, and to appease the cook, no doubt, they would there and then have lightened the ship by flinging over the whole of the Buccaneer's House of Lords, but the heavy tread of the watchman aft made them abandon the idea for the present; but as that ancient hereditary inst.i.tution had fallen under the cook's displeasure, it was not likely that it could survive such a thing for long.