The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer Part 18

"But I don't want to see it, so stop him. I want to know something about my ships."

With very great difficulty the first sea lord was stopped, for he was well under weigh and it was some little time before they brought him up by hanging on to the swallow tails of his coat.

"What do I say?" he cried. "That must depend very much upon what I am expected to say. How's your head, captain?" This was addressed to Dogvane and was meant as a signal of distress, and not as an expression of solicitude for Dogvane's cranium. The hint was taken and the captain said that their master wanted to know if his ships were well found and whether he still ruled the sea.

To this the sea lord replied, "Every ship, sir, that is not in Davy Jones' locker, has the sea well under her, and, therefore, it may be a.s.serted that she has complete control of the sea."

"Davy Jones' locker!" cried the Buccaneer in amazement, "why I sent very few of my ships there in olden days and my enemies sent still fewer."

Dogvane explained to his master that rapid strides had taken place in all things naval and that great changes had been brought about. "We have been so pressed for room, sir," he exclaimed, "that we have been obliged to turn Davy Jones' locker into one of your princ.i.p.al dockyards, where we keep many of your ships which are not required for immediate use."

The first sea lord doused, as sailors say, his starboard glim, and contemplated old Dogvane with the other, while a look of admiration and a jovial smile played over his weather-beaten face as he answered:

"Aye, aye, sir, and every year we send a ship or two there to be repaired. The remainder we tinker up ourselves." The old Buccaneer made no answer. Things had evidently changed very much indeed since he was himself afloat, but it never does for a master to display a want of knowledge before his servants. As to whether the Buccaneer had lost his skill in seamanship and ship-building was merely a matter of opinion.

But there could be no doubt that anything he had lost in one direction was amply made up by what he had gained in the tinkering line. Here he could not be surpa.s.sed.

"All your guns," continued the first sea lord, "that are neither cracked nor burst are in excellent condition. Every ship that does not want for anything is particularly well found, and your sailors, sir, are as jolly and rollicking a lot of devils as ever turned a quid or drained a tot of grog."

"Capital! capital!" cried Dogvane, as he clapped his hands with delight, "such skill and knowledge must be rewarded. We must bestow some high distinctions upon these two officials. We must enn.o.ble them and send round your Hat of maintenance." The lords of the Admiralty were then dismissed.

In pa.s.sing, it may be said that the old Buccaneer had navigated the world in ships that, beside his present monsters, were but as c.o.c.kle sh.e.l.ls, and all his great victories had been gained on board his old wooden walls; but now his seamen were incased in iron or steel and had to live and fight almost under water, and it was a matter of constant dispute as to whether the Buccaneer had ships enough even to defend his own sh.o.r.es. Some people going so far as to say that not only had he not enough ships, but that he had no guns for what he had.

CHAPTER x.x.xIV.

The Buccaneer's War Minister now received his summons, as in naval matters, so in military. The high official who had charge of his army, and was responsible for the safety of the Buccaneer's vast empire, was totally ignorant, or nearly so, of all things connected with the military profession. When Dogvane descanted upon his ignorance of all things military, the Buccaneer exclaimed: "Stay, Master Dogvane! if my body is ailing should I not send for a physician, one skilled in disease? If my mind is disturbed upon some spiritual matter should I not send for my spiritual adviser? And if I want a legal opinion should I not go to my lawyer?"

"If you did, sir, I do not hesitate to tell you that you would be acting in an altogether unconst.i.tutional manner."

"What! then if I want a coat made I should not go to my tailor? If I want a pair of boots I should seek some other than my shoemaker to make them?"

"Undoubtedly, sir, for such ever has been your custom, and who will say that it has not worked well; for you are both wealthy and great. Your plan ever has been to put the roundest of men into the squarest of holes. It is a fortunate thing, sir, that human nature is so pliable that it can adapt itself to any condition."

The War Minister was in his particular part of the ship, occupied, together with the most eminent of the Buccaneer's military officers, in testing and trying which of all the advertised food for infants was best adapted to the requirements of the Buccaneer's military babes. They had not settled this weighty matter when the War Minister received his summons. Not being a soldier he was completely taken by surprise, of course no soldier would allow himself to fall into such a perilous position; but to show his comrades that he had not lost his self possession he altered somewhat an old song of the Buccaneer's to suit present purposes, and went away merrily singing:

"I'm afloat, I'm afloat In the old Ship of State, The sailor's profession I cordially hate."

No doubt his thoughts were wandering back to the time when he himself had been at sea. In all probability he had had charge of the Buccaneer's navy and becoming too full of knowledge had been removed to the army.

When he appeared before his master he became quite fl.u.s.tered. The official mind does at times, it is well known, play sad tricks, and displays upon occasions the most wonderful oblivion. When asked as to the state his department was in, he replied: "Quite ship-shape, sir, and ready for sea."

"It appears to me, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you are at sea."

"Am I? Then let me go below. Like many others, I suffer until I get accustomed to the up and down motion. The lee lurches and weather rolls disturb me. The smell of the oil and tar is offensive, and the result is painful. Then the sailor's quaint oaths I cannot understand. I dare not chew, I cannot smoke, and I do not care to drink, so I feel convinced I was never meant for the sea."

The War Minister was brought sternly back to his senses by Captain Dogvane, who told him in a severe tone to "wake up," and remember that he was at present in charge of the Buccaneer's Land Forces.

The War Minister was profuse in his apologies, and said: "In my time, sir, I have filled so many posts that I occasionally get confused. Your Army, sir, is most efficient, and I am proud to be able to tell you that you pay more for your food, for powder, than any other nation under the sun. This to one of your vast wealth must be a source of the greatest satisfaction; indeed, it must be a glorious thing to contemplate. We have recently made vast preparations, which of course have been costly."

"This, sir, is as I told you, and will account for the money you advanced me, over that little affair in the East."

"Ah! Master Dogvane, how is that going on?"

"Excellently well, sir," was Dogvane's reply; "at least I have no official information to the contrary. At present, sir, things nearer home claim our attention."

The War Minister continued: "We have laid in an immense amount of warlike stores, and these, as every one knows, are most costly articles, and it takes far more to kill a man in the present state of military science than it would take to keep him alive and in comparative comfort to the crack of doom. On paper, sir, I can mobilize an army, on paper I could place it in the field and on paper I could feed and clothe it. I could, if called upon, club either a battalion, a brigade or even a division."

Dogvane was not a soldier, but he thought it right to encourage his subordinates whether they were right or wrong, so he exclaimed: "Capital, capital!" Then turning to his master, he said: "Beyond this, sir, you could not expect your War Minister to go. For a general deficiency in professional knowledge I feel sure it would be hard to find his equal. For your practical information you must go to your Field Marshal Commanding-in-Chief, than whom I am told you have no better soldier, and no one has done more to stamp out from amongst your soldiers the pernicious habit of using bad language; and this has not been done by any brutal exercise of power, but all by kindness and the force of good example."

"Then my Field Marshal never swears?" the Buccaneer asked.

"Never, sir; at least," he said aside, "hardly ever."

The Buccaneer, being a very religious man, was very pleased to hear this. "But what is all this I hear," he said, "about my poor fellows who are fighting for me not having proper food?"

"The campaign in which you are at present engaged in the East."

Dogvane stopped the War Minister abruptly, and went into a long explanation. He drew many subtle distinctions as before, between different kinds of warlike operations some of which he said, though offensive in form were purely defensive in essence. In fact, if looked at from a proper point of view were no operations at all. Dogvane's reasoning was of such an obscure nature that n.o.body could understand it, and there were doubts in the minds of some as to whether Dogvane himself understood what he was talking about.

The Buccaneer, fearing he might get out of his depth if he followed his captain too far, came back to the main charge, and said to his War Minister: "I am told my soldiers' food was so bad that they could scarcely eat it. That their tea and coffee was mere filth, and that even the water they had to drink was of the vilest description, and this too, when I am surrounded by the newest inventions which will make the muddiest stream as pure as crystal, and I spare no expense?"

"None whatever, sir," was the War Minister's reply. "I can a.s.sure you we pay the highest price for everything, and we can do no more. We have heard no complaints, and vague rumours we never heed." The official ear on the Buccaneer's island was quite as deaf as what the official eye was blind. Dogvane said he should not be at all surprised if all these reports were put about by the other watch, or as likely as not by that busy little devil, Random Jack. "All about your War Office, sir," he said, addressing the Buccaneer, "look particularly well fed, and are well clothed. I have not seen a crack in either coat or trouser. They seem to want for nothing, and they are, I presume, a fair sample of the whole; but satisfy yourself, sir. Ask your Field Marshal if he is well fed and well clothed, and as the fountain-head, so, no doubt, is the stream that flows from it. No expense has been spared, I can a.s.sure you."

"And so, Master Dogvane, you all think to serve best my interests by squandering my money, which goes into the capacious pockets of the money grabbing rascally contractors."

"We have it, sir, on the authority of your only general, who, though an Ojabberaway, is worthy of credence, that, at no time in your whole history has your army been in so excellent a condition."

"Have I then only one general?" the Buccaneer asked in surprise.

"Only one that we have officially any knowledge of; for further information on that subject, sir, I must refer you to your Commander-in-chief. Your military administration is distinguished for its very great zeal and energy. For long and weary hours--in fact, from 10 o'clock in the morning till 4, or even 5 o'clock in the dewy evening, the busy brains of your War Office officials are constantly at work grinding up all military ideas to a common level of official pulp, and it says a very great deal for the quality of the official brain that it has never yet broken down under the severe strain that has been put upon it. There has not been, as far as I know, a single instance of well authenticated madness inside your War Office. Go to your a.r.s.enals, and you will find them a busy hive of industry. The hive is occasionally blown up by an explosion, but the operatives, as a cla.s.s, are happy and contented. Your military nurseries are full of the most promising children, who will, should they survive the many ills that childish flesh is heir to, develop, no doubt, into most excellent soldiers. Is it not so?" This latter was addressed to the War Minister, who said that it was, and added: "They have all been vaccinated, and most of them have had the measles, and not a few the whooping-cough. In olden days, sir, your battles were fought by the sc.u.m of your populations. This great blot in your military system we are eradicating, and in the future, sir, moral force, which, it has been estimated, is equal to about three to one of physical force, will play no mean part in all your military undertakings. Therefore, multiplying your units by three gives you a first fighting line of over 500,000 men, with a total fighting power of about one million and a half."

"Take care, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you do not make my soldiers too thin skinned. A pampered dog won't fight, and a hound too finely bred will not face the p.r.i.c.kles of a gorse bush. Whatever my soldiers were in the past they fought well, and have built up for me a reputation, that I hope my soldiers of to-day and those who lead them and those who guide them will know how to keep. The deeds, Master Dogvane, of the brave lads that are gone are written on tablets placed on the walls of the Temple of Fame. Let no foul breath of calumny be breathed over them, for whatever sins they have committed have been washed out with their own blood. One thing, Master Dogvane, they at least had, and that was, good trusty steel."

Dogvane took the hint, and thought that a little candour would best serve his purpose. "It has come to my ears, sir, that our modern steel is not quite up to the mark, so to test it I have ordered a Royal Commission to sit upon our bayonets and cutla.s.ses, and if they can support without bending or breaking so severe a strain, their temper must be good indeed. It has been said too, amongst other things, that your machine guns occasionally jam and I will not deny that it is so, when they are in the hands of your sailors, but, then, they are such merry devils that they would jam almost anything."

The War Minister now being called upon to continue his report, said: "Your militia, sir, which has always been considered the backbone of your army gives us little or no consideration, and it seems to get on very well without our interference. Whatever care, attention, and patronage we have to spare we bestow it upon your volunteers--a most worthy body of men, costing you but little; not enc.u.mbered with too much equipment, and fed and nourished almost entirely upon official b.u.t.ter, which is the cheapest of all articles of food, on a recent occasion, sir, when you were engaged in operations in Egypt."

"In Egypt!" the Buccaneer exclaimed, and the hot words of the gipsy came back upon him, and he was lost for a while in his own moody thoughts.

For a time the War Minister spoke to deaf ears. "You bought thousands of camels, and mules, and pack-saddles innumerable. After the purchase was completed we were delighted to find that these saddles were for the most part perfectly useless, as they would not fit any animal in your possession, so we were enabled to sell them at a considerable loss."

"Is this right, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked, waking up.

"It is quite const.i.tutional, sir, and is the result of your peculiar and long cherished system. I do not say that things would not work better under a round hole for a round man plan; but you are so accustomed to the other that to change might be dangerous. It would certainly be revolutionary."

The War Minister continued. "In purchasing your stores, sir, we also acted upon principle and custom. We gave as few orders as possible to your own people; but distributed them as evenly as we could amongst your neighbours."