The Laws of Etiquette Part 2

Never flatter one person in the presence of another.

Never commend a lady's musical skill to another lady who herself plays.

It has often, however, a good effect to praise one man to his particular friend, if it be for something to which that friend has himself no pretensions.

It is an error to imagine that men are less intoxicated with flattery than women. The only difference is that esteem must be expressed to women, but proved to men.

Flattery is of course efficacious to obtain positive benefits. It is of, more constant use, however, for purposes of defence. You conquer an attack of rudeness by courtesy: you avert an attack of accusation by flattery. Every:one remembers the anecdote of Dr. Johnson and Mr. Ewing.

"Prince," said Napoleon to Talleyrand, "they tell me that you sometimes speculate improperly in the funds. "They do me wrong then," said Talleyrand. "But how did you acquire so much money!" "I bought stock the day before you were proclaimed First Consul," replied the ex-bishop, "and I sold it the day after."

Compliments are light skirmishes in the war of flattery, for the purpose of obtaining an occasional object. They are little false coins that you receive with one hand and pay away with the other. To flatter requires a profound knowledge of human nature and of the character of your subject; to compliment skillfully, it is sufficient that you are a pupil of Spurzheim.

It is a common practice with men to abstain from grave conversation with women. And the habit is in general judicious. If the woman is young, gay and trifling, talk to her only of the latest fashions, the gossip of the day, etc.

But this in other cases is not to be done. Most women who are a little old, particularly married women -- and even some who are young -- wish to obtain a reputation for intellect and an acquaintance With science. You therefore pay them a real compliment, and gratify their self-love, by conversing occasionally upon grave matters, which they do not understand, and do not really relish. You may interrupt a discussion on the beauty of a dahlia, by observing that as you know that they take an interest in such things you mention the discovery of a new method of a.n.a.lyzing curves of double curvature. Men who talk only of trifles will rarely be popular with women past twenty-five.

Talk to a mother about her children. Women are never tired of hearing of themselves and their children.

If you go to a house where there are children you should take especial care to conciliate their good will by a little manly _tete-a-tete,_ otherwise you may get a ball against your skins, or be tumbled from a three-legged chair.

To be able to converse with women you must study their vocabulary. You would make a great mistake in interpreting _never, forever,_ as they are explained in Johnson.

Do not be for ever telling a woman that she is handsome, witty, etc. She knows that a vast deal better than you do.

Do not allow your love for one woman to prevent your paying attention to others. The object of your love is the only one who ought to perceive it.

A little pride, which reminds you what is due to yourself, and a little good nature, which suggests what is due to others, are the pre-requisites for the moral const.i.tution of a gentleman.

Too much vivacity and too much inertness are both fatal to politeness. By the former we are hurried too far, by the latter we are kept too much back.

_Nil admirari,_ the precept of stoicism, is the precept for conduct among gentlemen. All excitement must be studiously avoided. When you are with ladies the case is different.

Among them, wonder, astonishment, ecstacy, and enthusiasm, are necessary in order to be believed.

Never dispute in the presence of other persons. If a man states an opinion which you cannot adopt, say nothing. If he states a fact which is of little importance, you may carelessly a.s.sent. When you differ let it be indirectly; rather a want of a.s.sent than actual dissent.

If you wish to inquire about anything, do not do it by asking a question; but introduce the subject, and give the person an opportunity of saying as much as he finds it agreeable to impart. Do not even say, "How is your brother to-day?" but "I hope your brother is quite well."

Never ask a lady a question about anything whatever.

It is a point of courtly etiquette which is observed rigorously by every one who draws nigh, that a question must never be put to a king.

Never ask a question about the price of a thing. This horrible error is often committed by a _nouveau riche._

If you have accepted an invitation to a party never fail to keep your promise. It is cruel to the lady of the house to accept, and then send an apology at the last moment.

Especially do not break your word on account of bad weather.

You may be certain that many others will, and the inciter will be mortified by the paucity of her guests. A cloak and a carriage will secure you from all inconvenience, and you will be conferring a real benefit.

CHAPTER V. THE ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.

Women, particularly women a little on the decline, are those who make the reputation of a young man. When the l.u.s.tre of their distinction begins to fade, a slight feeling of less wonted leisure, perhaps a little spite, makes them observe attentively those who surround them. Eager to gain new admirers, they encourage the first steps of a _debutant_ in the career of society, and exert themselves to fit him to do honour to their patronage.

A young man, therefore, in entering the world, cannot be too attentive to conciliate the goodwill of women. Their approbation and support will serve him instead of a thousand good qualities. Their judgment dispenses with fortune, talent, and even intelligence. "Les hommes font les lois: les femmes font les reputations."

The desire of pleasing is, of course, the basis of social connexion. Persons who enter society with the intention of producing an effect, and of being distinguished, however clever they may be, are never agreeable. They are always tiresome, and often ridiculous. Persons, who enter life with such pretensions, have no opportunity for improving themselves and profiting by experience. They are not in a proper state to _observe_: indeed, they look only for the effect which they produce, and with that they are not often gratified. They thrust themselves into all conversations, indulge in continual anecdotes, which are varied only by dull disquisitions, listen to others with impatience and heedlessness, and are angry that they seem to be attending to themselves. Such men go through scenes of pleasure, enjoying nothing. They are equally disagreeable to themselves and others. Young men should, therefore, content themselves with being natural. Let them present themselves with a modest a.s.surance: let them observe, hear, and examine, and before long they will rival their models.

The conversation of those women who are not the most lavishly supplied with personal beauty, will be of the most advantage to the young aspirant. Such persons have cultivated their manners and conversation more than those who can rely upon their natural endowments. The absence of pride and pretension has improved their good nature and their affability. They are not too much occupied in contemplating their own charms, to be disposed to indulge in gentle criticism on others. One acquires from them an elegance in one's manners as well as one's expressions. Their kindness pardons every error, and to instruct or reprove, their acts are so delicate that the lesson which they give, always without offending, is sure to be profitable, though it may be often unperceived.

Women observe all the delicacies of propriety in manners, and all the shades of impropriety, much better than men; not only because they attend to them earlier and longer, but because their perceptions are more refined than those of the other s.e.x, who are habitually employed about greater things. Women divine, rather than arrive at, proper conclusions.

The whims and caprices of women in society should of course be tolerated by men, who themselves require toleration for greater inconveniences. But this must not be carried too far.

There are certain limits to empire which, if they themselves forget, should be pointed out to them with delicacy and politeness. You should be the slave of women, but not of all their fancies.

Compliment is the language of intercourse from men to women.

But be careful to avoid elaborate and common-place forms of gallant speech. Do not strive to make those long eulogies on a woman, which have the regularity and nice dependency of a proposition in Euclid, and might be fittingly concluded by Q.

E. D. Do not be always undervaluing her rival in a woman's presence, nor mistaking a woman's daughter for her sister.

These antiquated and exploded attempts denote a person who has learned the world more from books than men.

The quality which a young man should most affect in intercourse with gentlemen, is a decent modesty: but he must avoid all bashfulness or timidity. His flights must not go too far; but, so far as they go, let them be marked by perfect a.s.surance.

Among persons who are much your seniors behave with the utmost respectful deference. As they find themselves sliding out of importance they may be easily conciliated by a little respect.

By far the most important thing to be attended to, is ease of manner. Grace may be added afterwards, or be omitted altogether: it is of much less moment than is commonly believed. Perfect propriety and entire ease are sufficient qualifications for standing in society, and abundant prerequisites for distinction.

There is the most delicate shade of difference between civility and intrusiveness, familiarity and common-place, pleasantry and sharpness, the natural and the rude, gaiety and carelessness; hence the inconveniences of society, and the errors of its members. To define well in conduct these distinctions, is the great art of a man of the world. It is easy to know what to do; the difficulty is to know what to avoid.

Long usage--a sort of moral magnetism, a tact acquired by frequent and long a.s.sociating with others--alone give those qualities which keep one always from error, and ent.i.tle him to the name of a thorough gentleman.

A young man upon first entering into society should select those persons who are most celebrated for the propriety and elegance of their manners. He should frequent their company and imitate their conduct. There is a disposition inherent, in all, which has been noticed by Horace and by Dr. Johnson, to imitate faults, because they are more readily observed and more easily followed. There are, also, many foibles of manner and many refinements of affectation, which sit agreeably upon one man, which if adopted by another would become unpleasant.

There are even some excellences of deportment which would not suit another whose character is different. For successful imitation in anything, good sense is indispensable. It is requisite correctly to appreciate the natural differences between your model and yourself, and to introduce such modifications in the copy as may be consistent with it.

Let not any man imagine, that he shall easily acquire these qualities which will const.i.tute him a gentleman. It is necessary not only to exert the highest degree of art, but to attain also that higher accomplishment of concealing art. The serene and elevated dignity which mark that character, are the result of untiring and arduous effort. After the sculpture has attained the shape of propriety, it remains to smooth off all the marks of the chisel. "A gentleman," says a celebrated French author, "is one who has reflected deeply upon all the obligations which belong to his station, and who has applied himself ardently to fulfil them with grace."

Polite without importunity, gallant without being offensive, attentive to the comfort of all; employing a well-regulated kindness, witty at the proper times, discreet, indulgent, generous, he exercises, in his sphere, a high degree of moral authority; he it is, and he alone, that one should imitate.

CHAPTER VI. LETTERS.

Always remember that the terms of compliment at the close of a letter--"I have the honour to be your very obedient servant," etc. are merely forms--"signifying nothing." Do not therefore avoid them on account of pride, or a dislike to the person addressed. Do not presume, as some do, to found expectations of favour or promotion from great men who profess themselves your obliged servant.

In writing a letter of business it is extremely vulgar to use satin or glazed gold-edged paper. Always employ, on such occasions, plain American paper. Place the date at the top of the page, and if you please, the name of the person at the top also, just above the 'Sir;' though this last is indifferent.

In letters to gentlemen always place the date at the end of the letter, below his name. Use the best paper, but not figured, and never fail to enclose it in an envelope.

Attention to these matters is indispensable.

To a person whom you do not know well, say Sir, not 'Dear Sir.' It formerly was usual in writing to a distinguished man to employ the form 'Respected Sir,' or something of the kind.

This is now out of fashion.

There are a great many forms observed by the French in their letters, which are necessary to be known before addressing one of that nation. You will find them in their books upon such subjects, or learn them from your French master. One custom of theirs is worthy of adoption among us: to proportion the distance between the 'Sir' and the first line of the letter, to the rank of the person to whom you write.

Among the French to neglect attending to this would give mortal offence. It obtains also in other European nations.

When the Duke of Buckingham was at the court of Spain, some letters pa.s.sed between the Spanish minister Olivez and himself,--the two proudest men on earth. The Spaniard wrote a letter to the Englishman, and put the 'Monsieur' on a line with the beginning of his letter. The other, in his reply, placed the 'Monsieur' a little below it.