The King's Own Part 49

"Yes--be smart, and bring them round as soon as you can."

"Why, sir, the two young 'uns have never been in together yet-- Smolensko's but a rum customer, when aside of a steady horse; and as for Pony-towsky, he jibs just as bad as ever."

"Never mind--put them in and bring them round."

"Then I'd better tie up the dog, sir, for they can't neither of them abide him."

"Never mind--they must be accustomed to him--so let the dog follow as usual. Be quick;" and Rainscourt returned to the house.

"Sam, I can't for the life of me fancy what master's at today," said William, who had delivered his horse over to the other groom, and had mounted the curricle to drive it to the stable. "If he means to drive them two devils together, there's no road in England wide enough for him."

"I'm sure I can't tell," replied the other.

"No man in his senses would do it--unless, indeed, he's going to drive his wife."

"Why, hardly that, for they say he wants to marry her again."

"Marry his wife again--no, no, Bill: master's too wide awake for that."

The curricle re-appeared at the door--Rainscourt handed in his wife, and the horses set off tightly reined by Rainscourt, and flying to and fro from the pole, so as to alarm Mrs Rainscourt, who expressed a wish to alight.

"They are only fresh at first starting, my dear--they will be quiet directly."

"Look there!" observed one of the promenaders; "there's Rainscourt driving his wife in the curricle."

"Oh then, the bull has arrived, you may depend upon it."

As they spoke, the dog made a spring at the horses' heads,--they plunged violently, and shortly after set off at full speed.

Rainscourt could not have stopped them if he had wished it; but the fact was, that he had entered the curricle determined to hazard his own life rather than not gratify his revenge. All that was left for him was to guide them, and this he did so that the near wheel came in contact with a post. The horses, with the pole and broken traces, continued their rapid career, leaving Rainscourt, his wife, and the fragments of the vehicle, in the road.

Rainscourt's plan had been successful. Although much contused by the fall, he was not severely injured. Mrs Rainscourt, who had been thrown out with more violence, over the head of her husband, was taken up with a fractured skull, and in a few minutes breathed her last.

CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT.

Oh, for a forty-parson power to chant Thy praise, Hypocrisy! Oh, for a hymn Loud as the virtues thou dost loudly vaunt, Not practise!

BYRON.

Hypocrisy, the thriving'st calling, The only saint's-bell that rings all in: A gift that is not only able To domineer among the rabble, But by the law's empowered to rout, And awe the greatest that stand out.

HUDIBRAS.

"All-pervading essence, whose subtle spirit hath become a part component of everything this universe contains--power that presidest over nations and countries, kingdoms and cities, courts and palaces, and every human tenement, even to the lowly cot--leaven of the globe, that workest in the councils of its princes, in the reasonings of its senates, in the atmosphere of the court, in the traffic of the city, in the smiles of the enamoured youth, and in the blush of the responding maid--thou that clothest with awe the serjeant's coif and the bishop's robe--thou that a.s.sistest at our nurture, our education, and our marriage, our death, our funeral, and habiliments of woe,--all hail!

"Chameleon spirit--at once contributing to the misery of our existence and adding to its fancied bliss--at once detested and a charm, to be eschewed and to be practised--that, with thy mystic veil, dimmest the bright beauty of virtue, and concealest the dark deformity of vice-- imperishable, glorious, and immortal HUMBUG! Hail!

"Thee I invoke--and thus, with talismanic pen, commence my spells,--and charge thee, in the name of courtiers' bows, of great men's promises, of bribery oaths, of woman's smiles, and tears of residuary legatees--

"Appear!

"By thy favourite works,--thy darling sinking fund,--the blessings of free-trade,--thy joint-stock companies,--the dread of Popery,--the liberality of East India Directors, and the sincerity of West India philanthropists--

"Descend!

"By the annual pageants--by the Lord Mayor's show, and reform in parliament--by Burdett's democracy, and the first of April--by explanations, and calls for papers--by Bartlemy fair, and the minister's budget--

"Come!

"By lawyers' consultations, and Chancery delay--public meetings, and public dinners,--loyal toasts, and 'three times three'--lady patronesses, and lords directors,--and by the decoy subscription of the chair--

"Descend!

"By the _nolo episcopari_ of the Bishops--

"Come!

"By newspaper puffs, and newspaper reports,--by patent medicines, and portable dressing-cases, wine-merchant's bottles, ne-plus-ultra corkscrews,--H---t's corn, C---tt's maize, W---'s blacking, and W---'s champagne--

"Appear!

"By thy professional followers, the fashionable tailors, hairdressers, boot-makers, milliners, jewellers--all the auctioneers, and all the bazaars--

"Come to my aid!

"By thy interested worshippers by shuffling W---e, by Z--- M---y, Lawyer S---ns, W---m S---th, T---l B---n, Sir G---r McG---r, and Dom M---l--

"Appear!

"By thy talented votaries--

"Descend!

"Still heedless!--Then by the living B---m, and the shade of C---g, come!

"Rebellious and wayward spirit! I tell thee, come thou must, whether thou art at a council to wage a war in which thousands shall perish, or upon the padding of a coat, by which, unpaid for, but one ninth part of a man shall suffer--whether thou art forging the powerful artillery of woman against unarmed man, and directing the fire from her eye, which, like that of the Egyptian queen, shall lose an empire--or art just as busy in the adjustment of the bustle [see note 1] of a lady's-maid-- appear thou must. There is one potent spell, one powerful name, which shall force thee trembling to my presence.--Now--

"By all that is _contemptible_--

"By all his patriotism, his affection for the army and the navy--by his flow of eloquence, and his strength of argument--by the correctness of his statements, and the precision of his arithmetic--by his sum _tottle_, and by Joey H---e, himself--

"Appear!"

[_Humbug descends, amidst a discharge of Promethean and copperplate thunder_.]

"'Tis well! Now perch upon the tip, and guide my pen, and contrive that the wickedness and hypocrisy of the individual may be forgotten in the absurdity of the scene."