The Jest Book Part 73

A SCOTCH lady gave her servant very particular instructions regarding visitors, explaining, that they were to be shown into the drawing-room, and no doubt used the Scotticism, "_Carry_ any ladies that call up stairs." On the arrival of the first visitors, Donald was eager to show his strict attention to the mistress's orders. Two ladies came together, and Donald, seizing one in his arms, said to the other, "Bide ye there till _I come for ye_," and, in spite of her struggles and remonstrances, ushered the terrified visitor into his mistress's presence in this unwonted fashion.

MCCCI.--TEMPERANCE CRUETS.

THE late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club, restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was designated an incorporated temperance society. The late Sir William Aylett, a grumbling member of the Union, and a two-bottle-man, observing Mr. Smith to be thus frugally furnished, eyed his cruet with contempt, and exclaimed: "So I see you have got one of those _life-preservers_!"

MCCCII.--DR GLYNN'S RECEIPT FOR DRESSING A CUc.u.mBER.

DR. GLYNN, whose name is still remembered in Cambridge, being one day in attendance on a lady, in the quality of her physician, took the liberty of lecturing her on the impropriety of eating _cuc.u.mber_, of which she was immoderately fond, and gave her the following humorous receipt for dressing them: "Peel the cuc.u.mber," said the doctor, "with great care; then cut it into very thin slices, pepper and salt it well, and then--_throw it away_."

MCCCIII.--"WHAT'S A HAT WITHOUT A HEAD?"

CAPTAIN INNES of the Guards (usually called Jock Innes by his contemporaries) was with others getting ready for Flushing, or some of those expeditions at the beginning of the great war. His commanding officer remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new one. "Na! na! bide a wee," said Jock; "whare we're ga'in', faith there'll soon be mair _hats_ nor _heads_."

MCCCIV.--SEVERE REBUKE.

SIR WILLIAM B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," said he to the farmer, "do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges in each university?"--"Well, sir," replied the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the _more he sucked_ the _greater calf_ he grew."

MCCCV.--HORSES TO GRa.s.s.

IN an Irish paper was an advertis.e.m.e.nt for horses to stand at livery, on the following terms:--

Long-tailed horses, at 3s. 6d. per week.

Short-tailed horses at 3s. per week.

On inquiry into the cause of the difference, it was answered, that the horses with long tails could brush the flies off their backs while eating, whereas the short-tailed horses were obliged to take their heads _from the manger_.

MCCCVI.--INADVERTENCE AND EPICURISM.

WHEN the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as Commander of the Allied Armies, he was invited to dine with Cambaceres, one of the most distinguished statesmen and _gourmets_ of the time of Napoleon. In the course of dinner, his host having helped him to some particularly _recherche_ dish, expressed a hope that he found it agreeable. "Very good," said the Duke, who was probably reflecting on Waterloo; "very good, but I really do not care what I eat."--"Don't care what you eat!"

exclaimed Cambaceres, as he started back, and dropped his fork; "what _did_ you come here for, then!"

MCCCVII.--VERY TRUE.

"ALL that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages at breakfast is _confidence_."

MCCCVIII.--A JEW'S EYE TO BUSINESS.

A JEW, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. When informed of this, it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see a fellow-prisoner hanged; and being asked why he did not get about his business, he said, "he waited to see if he could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the _other_ gentleman's clothes."

MCCCIX.--ST. PETER A BACHELOR.

IN the list of benefactors to Peter-House is Lady Mary Ramsay, who is reported to have offered a very large property, nearly equal to a new foundation to this college, on condition that the name should be changed to _Peter and Mary's_; but she was thwarted in her intention by Dr.

Soame, then master. "Peter," said the crabbed humorist, "has been too long a _bachelor_ to think of a female companion in his old days."

MCCCX.--TRUE OF BOTH.

"I SWEAR," said a gentleman to his mistress, "you are very handsome."--"Pooh!" said the lady, "so you would say if you did not think so."--"And so you would _think_," answered he, "though I should not _say so_."

MCCCXI.--A POSER.

A LECTURER, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts his sh.e.l.l when he has outgrown it, said, "What do you do when you have outgrown your clothes? You throw them aside, don't you?"--"O no!" replied the little one, "_we let out the tucks_!" The doctor confessed she had the advantage of him there.

MCCCXII.--VERY APPROPRIATE.

A FACETIOUS old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much time in hunting and shooting, styled them _Nimrod_ and _Ramrod_.

MCCCXIII.--A BAD JUDGE.

UPON the occasion of the birth of the Princess Royal, the Duke of Wellington was in the act of leaving Buckingham Palace, when he met Lord Hill; in answer to whose inquiries about Her Majesty and the little stranger, his grace replied, "Very fine child, and very red, very red; nearly as red as you, _Hill_!" a jocose allusion to Lord Hill's claret complexion.

MCCCXIV.--WHITE HANDS.

IN a country market a lady, laying her hand upon a joint of veal, said, "Mr. Smallbone, I think this veal is not quite so white as usual."--"_Put on your gloves_, madam," replied the butcher, "and you will think differently." The lady did so, and the veal was ordered home immediately.

MCCCXV.--TRUE TO THE LETTER.

IT may be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs no great ability for the fulfilment of its duties, but there is no employment which requires such constant _application_.

MCCCXVI.--SIR WALTER SCOTT AND CONSTABLE.

SCOTT is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened "Kenilworth,"

which Scott named "c.u.mnor Hall." John Ballantyne objected to the former t.i.tle, and told Constable the result would be "something worthy of the kennel"; but the result proved the reverse. Mr. Cadell relates that Constable's vanity boiled over so much at this time, on having his suggestions gone into, that, in his high moods, he used to stalk up and down his room, and exclaim, "By Jove, I am _all but_ the author of the Waverley Novels!"

MCCCXVII.--TRUE PHILOSOPHY.

LE SAGE, the author of Gil Blas, said, to console himself for his deafness, with his usual humor, "When I go into a company where I find a great number of blockheads and babblers, I replace my trumpet in my pocket, and cry, 'Now, gentlemen, _I defy_ you all.'"

MCCCXVIII.--ANSWERED AT ONCE.

A SCOTCH clergyman preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is _the price_ of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily from a sound sleep, and cried out, l.u.s.tily, "Seven-and-sixpence a dozen!"