The Jest Book Part 72

"Indeed, I'm thinking you're right."

"Really, you seem to know nothing about the matter."

"Troth, I _canna say I do_."

MCCLx.x.xIII.--WHAT'S IN A NAME?

SOON after Lord ----'s elevation to the peerage, he remarked that authors were often very ridiculous in the _t.i.tles_ they gave. "That," said a distinguished writer present, "is an error from which even sovereigns appear _not to be exempt_."

MCCLx.x.xIV.--TILLOTSON.

WHO was then Archbishop of Canterbury, on King William's complaining of the shortness of his sermon, answered, "Sire, could I have bestowed more time upon it, it would not have been _so long_!"

MCCLx.x.xV.--IMPORTANT TO BACHELORS.

SOME clever fellow has invented a new kind of ink, called "the love-letter ink." It is a sure preventive against all cases of "breach of promise," as the ink _fades away_, and leaves the sheet blank, in about four weeks after being written upon.

MCCLx.x.xVI.--CHIN-SURVEYING.

A PERSON not far from Torrington, Devon, whose face is somewhat above the ordinary dimensions, has been waited on and shaved by a certain barber every day for twenty-one years, without coming to any regular settlement; the tradesman, thinking it time to wind up the account, carried in his bill, charging one penny per day, which amounted to 31l. 9s. 2d. The gentleman, thinking this rather exorbitant, made some scruple about payment, when the tonsor proposed, if his customer thought proper, to charge by the acre, at the rate of 200l. This was readily agreed to, and on measuring the premises, 192 square inches proved to be the contents, which, traversed over 7670 times, would measure 1,472,640 inches, the charge for which would be 46l. 19s.

1d.--being 15l. 9s. 11d. in favor of _chin-surveying_.

MCCLx.x.xVII.--CHANGING HATS.

BARRY the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were extremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, when they were about to leave the English coffee-house, to exchange hats with him.

Barry's was edged with lace, and Nollekens's was a very shabby, plain one. Upon his returning the hat the next morning, he was asked by Nollekens why he left him his gold-laced hat. "Why, to tell you the truth, my dear Joey," answered Barry, "I fully expected a.s.sa.s.sination last night; and I was to have been known by _my laced hat_." Nollekens used to relate the story, adding, "It's what the Old-Bailey people would call a true bill against Jem."

MCCLx.x.xVIII.--POWDER WITHOUT BALL.

DR. GOODALL, of Eton, about the same time that he was made Provost of Eton, received also a Stall at Windsor. A young lady, whilst congratulating him on his elevation, and requesting him to give a ball during the vacation, happened to touch his wig with her fan, and caused the powder to fly about; upon which the doctor exclaimed, "My dear, you see you can get the powder out of the _cannon_, but not the _ball_."

MCCLx.x.xIX.--POPE'S LAST ILLNESS.

DURING Pope's last illness, a squabble happened in his chamber, between his two physicians, Dr. Burton and Dr. Thomson, they mutually charging each other with hastening the death of the patient by improper prescriptions. Pope at length silenced them by saying, "Gentlemen, I only learn by your discourse that I am in a dangerous way; therefore, all I now ask is, that the following epigram may be added after my death to the next edition of the Dunciad, by way of postscript:--

'Dunces rejoice, forgive all censures past, The _greatest dunce_ has killed your foe at last.'"

MCCXC.--OPPOSITE TEMPERS.

GENERAL SUTTON was very pa.s.sionate, and calling one morning on Sir Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found his servant shaving him. During the conversation, Sir Robert said, "John, you cut me"; and continued the former subject of discourse. Presently he said again, "John, you cut me"; but as mildly as before: and soon after he had occasion to say it a third time; when Sutton, starting up in a rage, said, swearing a great oath, and doubling his fist at the servant, "If Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot; and if you cut him once more, John, _I'll knock you down_."

MCCXCI.--A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION.

A WOMAN having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her, proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The bystanders asked him if he was mad,--she could not have gone against the stream. The man answered, "She was _obstinate_ and _contrary_ in her life, and no doubt she was the _same at her death_."

MCCXCII.--A QUEER EXPRESSION.

A POOR but clever student in the University of Glasgow was met by one of the Professors, who noticing the scantiness of his academical toga, said, "Mr. ----, your gown is very short."--"It will be long enough, sir, before I get another," replied the student. The answer tickled the Professor greatly, and he went on quietly chuckling to himself, when he met a brother Professor, who, noticing his hilarity, inquired what was amusing him so much. "Why, that fellow ---- said such a funny thing. I asked why his gown was so short, and he said, 'it will be a long time before I get another.'"--"There's nothing very funny in that."--"Well, no," replied the other, "there is not, after all. But _it was the way he said it_."

MCCXCIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S NOTION OF DISCOUNT.

IT chanced, one gloomy day in the month of December, that a good-humored Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a bill of exchange for him at rather a long though not an unusual date; and the merchant having casually remarked that the bill had a great many days to run, "That's true," replied the Irishman, "but consider how _short the days are_ at this time of the year."

MCCXCIV.--A PARTIc.i.p.aTION IN A PRACTICAL JOKE.

SOME unlucky lads in the University bearing a spite to the dean for his severity towards them, went secretly one night and daubed the rails of his staircase with tar. The dean coming down in the dark, dirtied his hands and coat very much with the tar; and, being greatly enraged, he sent for one most suspected to be the author. This the lad utterly denied; but said, "Truly, I did it not; but if you please, I can tell you who had _a hand in it_." Here they thought to have found out the truth, and asked him who. The lad answered, "_Your worship, sir_"; which caused him to be dismissed with great applause for his ingenuity.

MCCXCV.--INGRAt.i.tUDE.

WHEN Lord B---- died, a person met an old man who was one of his most intimate friends. He was pale, confused, awe-stricken. Every one was trying to console him, but in vain. "His loss," he exclaimed, "does not affect me so much as his horrible ingrat.i.tude. Would you believe it? he died without leaving me anything in his will,--I, who have _dined with him, at his own house, three times a week for thirty years_!"

MCCXCVI.--A PREFIX.

WHEN Lord Melcombe's name was plain Bubb, he was intended by the administration to be sent amba.s.sador to Spain. Lord Chesterfield met him, and told him he was not a fit person to be representative of the crown of England at the Spanish court, on account of the shortness of his name, as the Spaniards pride themselves on the length of their t.i.tles, "unless," added his lordship, "you don't mind calling yourself _Silly-Bubb_!"

MCCXCVII.--A GOOD MIXTURE.

AN eminent painter was once asked what he mixed his colors with in order to produce so extraordinary an effect. "I mix them with _brains_, sir!"

was his answer.

MCCXCVIII.--SIR WALTER SCOTT'S PARRITCH-PAN.

IN the museum at Abbotsford there is a small Roman _patera_, or goblet, in showing which Sir Walter Scott tells the following story: "I purchased this" (says he) "at a n.o.bleman's roup near by, at the enormous sum of twenty-five guineas. I would have got it for twenty-pence if an antiquary who knew its value had not been there and opposed me. However, I was almost consoled for the bitter price it cost by the amus.e.m.e.nt I derived from an old woman, who had evidently come from a distance to purchase some trifling culinary articles, and who had no taste for the antique. At every successive guinea which we bade for the _patera_ this good old lady's mouth grew wider and wider with unsophisticated astonishment, until at last I heard her mutter to herself, in a tone which I shall never forget,--'Five-an-twenty guineas! _If the parritch-pan gangs at that, what will the kail-pan gang for_!'"

MCCXCIX.--HORNE TOOKE AND WILKES.

HORNE TOOKE having challenged Wilkes, who was then Sheriff of London and Middles.e.x, received the following laconic reply: "Sir, I do not think it my business to cut the throat of every desperado that may be tired of his life; but, as I am at present High Sheriff of the city of London, it may happen that I shall shortly have an opportunity of attending you in my official capacity, in which case I will answer for it that _you shall have no ground_ to complain of my endeavors to serve you."

MCCC.--A LITERARY RENDERING.