The Jest Book Part 64

MCx.x.xIII.--BRINGING HIS MAN DOWN.

ROGERS used to relate this story: An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a duel in a _darkened room_. The Englishman, unwilling to take his antagonist's life, generously fired up the chimney, and--_brought down the Frenchman_. "When I tell this story in France," pleasantly added the relator, "I make the _Englishman_ go up the chimney."

MCx.x.xIV.--A PERFECT BORE.

SOME ONE being asked if a certain auth.o.r.ess, whom he had long known, was not "a _little_ tiresome?"--"Not at all," said he, "she was _perfectly_ tiresome."

MCx.x.xV.--TOO CIVIL BY HALF.

AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the close of the a.s.size, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the Court reminded him that he had not pa.s.sed sentence of death on one of the criminals, as he had intended. "Dear me!" said his lordship, "_I really beg his pardon_,--bring him in."

MCx.x.xVI.--"OUR LANDLADY."

A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin, would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion: "Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin." Off started Betty. She was speedily recalled: "Betty, make it _half_ a quartern _loaf_, and a quartern of gin." But Betty had never fairly got across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard: "Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it _all gin_."

MCx.x.xVII.--THE CHURCH IN THE WAY.

DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church, which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct road to a new bridge. "You are taking," said the doctor, "a church out of the way, that the people may go in a straight line to the bridge."--"No, sir," replied Gwyn: "I am putting the church _in_ the way, that the people may not _go out of the way_."

MCx.x.xVIII.--SAVING TIME.

A CANDIDATE at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said, "Electors of G----, all that he has _said_ I will _do_."

MCx.x.xIX.--THE YOUNG IDEA.

SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): "Come, now, what is that?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you." Schoolmistress: "You won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you. I didn't come here to _teach you_,--but for you to _teach me_."

MCXL.--EPIGRAM.

TWO Harveys had a mutual wish To please in different stations; For one excelled in _Sauce for Fish_, And one in _Meditations_.

Each had its pungent power applied To aid the dead and dying; _This_ relishes a _sole_ when _fried_, _That_ saves a _soul_ from _frying_.

MCXLI.--EPITAPHS.

IF truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one single epitaph, it is in one made for Burbadge, the tragedian, in the days of Shakespeare,--the following being the whole,--_Exit Burbadge_.

Jerrold, perhaps, trumped this by his antic.i.p.atory epitaph on that excellent man and distinguished historian, Charles Knight,--"Good Knight."

MCXLII.--NATIONAL PREJUDICE.

FOOTE being told of the appointment of a Scotch n.o.bleman, said, "The Irish, sir, take us _all in_, and the Scotch turn us _all out_."

MCXLIII.--GRANDILOQUENCE.

A BOASTING fellow was asked, "Pray, sir, what may your business be?"--"O," replied the boaster, "I am but a cork-cutter: but then it is in a _very_ large way!"--"Indeed!" replied the other; "then I presume you are a cutter of _bungs_?"

MCXLIV.--THE LETTER C.

CURIOUS coincidences respecting the letter C, as connected with the Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV.:--Her mother's name was Caroline, her own name was Charlotte; that of her consort Cobourg; she was married at Carlton House; her town residence was at Camelford House, the late owner of which, Lord Camelford, was untimely killed in a duel; her country residence Claremont, not long ago the property of Lord Clive, who ended his days by suicide; she died in Childbed, the name of her accoucheur being Croft.

MCXLV.--PRACTICAL RETORT.

IN a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and hissed him energetically; whereupon the manager brought his company on the stage, and _out-hissed_ the visitors.

MCXLVI.--AN AGREEABLE PRACTICE.

DR. GARTH (so he is called in the ma.n.u.script), who was one of the Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone, having many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced he forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his patients, Garth immediately said, "It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or not; for nine of them have such _bad_ const.i.tutions that all the physicians in the world can't save them, and the other six have so _good_ const.i.tutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill them."

MCXLVII.--A REASON FOR RUNNING AWAY.

OWEN MOORE has run away, Owing more than he can pay.

MCXLVIII.--LEGAL EXTRAVAGANCE.

"HURRAH! Hurrah!" cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his father's practice, "I've settled that old chancery suit at last."--"_Settled it_!" cried the astonished parent, "why I gave you that as _an annuity_ for your life."

MCXLIX.--A CLAIM ON THE COUNTRY.

"AS you do not belong to my parish," said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, "you cannot expect that I should relieve you."--"Sir," said the sailor, with a n.o.ble air, "I lost my leg fighting for _all parishes_."

MCL.--PLAIN SPEAKING.

GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his opinions, he had better suppress them. "Had Martin Luther _done so_,"

replied the philosopher, "your majesty would not have been on the throne of England."

MCLL.--THE PLURAL NUMBER.

A BOY being asked what was the plural of "penny," replied, with great promptness and simplicity, "_two-pence_."

MCLII.--MAULE-PRACTICE.