The Jest Book Part 63

MCXVI.--MIND YOUR POINTS.

A WRITER, in describing the last scene of "Oth.e.l.lo," had this exquisite pa.s.sage: "Upon which the Moor, seizing _a bolster full of rage and jealousy_, smothers her."

MCXVII.--REASONS FOR DRINKING.

DR. ALDRICH, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for drinking:--

"Good wine, a friend, or being dry, Or lest you should be by and by, Or any other reason why."

MCXVIII.--NO MATTER WHAT COLOR.

AN eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a pract.i.tioner. The lawyer ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?"--"I don't know," answered the divine dryly, "whether they are black or white sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be _fleeced_."

MCXIX.--AN ODD OCCURRENCE.

AT a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little absent-minded, observed gravely, "I have often remarked that there have been _more_ women than men married this year."

MCXX.--A DANGEROUS GENERALIZATION.

A TUTOR bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make some English verses, and seeing he put _teeth_ to rhyme with _feet_, told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles answered, "You have often told me that H was no letter, and therefore this is good rhyme." His tutor said, "Take heed, Charles, of that evasion, for that will make you an _owl_."

MCXXI.--NOSCE TE IPSUM.

SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed he, with great emphasis--"where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more _knavish fool_ than he?"--"Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.

MCXXII.--VERA CANNIE.

A YOUNG lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the plea, "_Marry_ for love, and _work_ for siller," replied, "It's a' vera true, but a kiss and a tinniefu[C] o' cauld water maks a gey wersh[D]

breakfast."

[C] Tinnie, the small porringer of children.

[D] Insipid.

MCXXIII.--TIMELY AID.

A LADY was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound sigh, "Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my present resolution!" The lady was alarmed lest the man should commit some rash attempt on his own life. She called him back, and gave him a shilling, and asked him the meaning of what he had just said. "Madam,"

said the fellow, laying hold of the money, "I have been _begging_ all day in vain, and but for this shilling I should have been obliged to _work_!"

MCXXIV.--WHIST.

MRS. BRAY relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on the company. Was he alive or dead? At length he showed signs of life, and, retaining the last fond idea which had possessed him at the moment he fell into the fit, exclaimed, "_What is trumps_?"

MCXXV.--HENRY ERSKINE.

THE late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba--four, a barrister, who dealt in hard words and circ.u.mlocutious sentences.

Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchief, the former asked the cause. "Why, my dear sir," answered the wordy lawyer, "I was taking a romantic ramble in my brother's grounds, when, coming to a gate, I had to climb over it, by which I came in contact with the first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on my skin, attended with a slight extravasation of blood."--"You may thank your lucky stars,"

replied Mr. Erskine, "that your brother's _gate_ was not as _lofty_ as your _style_, or you must have broken your neck."

MCXXVI.--THE ABBEY CHURCH AT BATH.

THESE walls, so full of monuments and bust, Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust.

MCXXVII.--TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.

TWO friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still resembled only the "effigy of a man,"--said the stout gentleman, "Why, d.i.c.k, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you last."--"And you," replied the other, "look as if you _had been at dinner ever since_."

MCXXVIII.--SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT.

AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?"--"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than _you_, or I'd wring his _head off_."

MCXXIX.--AN EAST INDIAN CHAPLAINCY.

THE best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body they _found the chaplain_ of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr.

----, and who, after having been missing for above a week, was discovered in this very inconvenient situation.

MCx.x.x.--CONSTANCY.

CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, "He'll not _change_ either till he comes back."

MCx.x.xI.--EPIGRAM.

(On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop.)

WHEN he holds forth, his reverence doth appear So lengthily his subject to pursue, That listeners (out of patience) often fear He has indeed _eternity in view_.

MCx.x.xII.--SPEAKING OF SAUSAGES.

MR. SMITH pa.s.sed a pork-shop the other day,--Mr. Smith whistled. The moment he did this, every sausage "wagged its tail." As a note to this, we would mention that the day before he _lost a Newfoundland dog_, that weighed sixty-eight pounds.