The Jest Book Part 24

CDx.x.x.--"AYE! THERE'S THE RUB."

A GENTLEMAN, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. "Ah!

sir," said he, "I beg your pardon, but I really took it for _my own_."

CDx.x.xI.--MORAL EQUALITY OF MAN.

ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if cla.s.sed by moral distinctions.

CDx.x.xII.--A SILK GOWN.

GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had been enveloped _in silk_, no spark of _patriotism_ had reached his heart.

CDx.x.xIII.--EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN.

EVERY Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to be _plucked_ at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T.

Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram:--

"I have heard they _plucked_ geese upon _Shelford_ Fen, But never till now knew that _Shelford_ plucked men."

CDx.x.xIV.--THE MEASURE OF A BRAIN.

ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a gla.s.s of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.

"Yes," said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his winegla.s.s, "that's the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so good in it."

CDx.x.xV.--FOOTE AND LORD TOWNSEND.

FOOTE, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his lordship to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much more ease to himself. "How?" asked his lordship. "How?" replied the wit, "why you should have given him a _dinner_ like this, and _poisoned him_."

CDx.x.xVI.--UNREASONABLE.

"TOM," said a colonel to one of his men, "how can so good and brave a soldier as you get drunk so often?"--"Colonel," replied he, "how can you expect all the _virtues_ that adorn the human character for _sixpence_ a-day?"

CDx.x.xVII.--AN HONEST WARRANTY.

A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, "Now, my friend, I have bought your horse, what are his faults?"--"I know of no faults that he has, except two," replied the man; "and _one_ is, that he is hard to catch."--"Oh! never mind that," said the buyer, "I will contrive to catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other?"--"Ah, sir!

that is the worst," answered the fellow; "he is good for nothing when you _have_ caught him."

CDx.x.xVIII.--THE REASON WHY.

A MAN said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late storm was, because there was a _heavy mortgage_ on it.

CDx.x.xIX.--BLOTTING IT OUT.

MATHEWS'S attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On discovering the error, his friend exclaimed, "Good heavens! Mathews, I have given you ink."--"Never--never mind, my boy--never mind," said Mathews, faintly, "I'll swallow a bit--of _blotting-paper_."

CDXL.--CLERICAL WIT.

AN old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, "The _font_ is at the other end of the church."--"What do I want with the font?" said the old gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought you had brought _this child to be christened_."

CDXLI.--A NICE DISTINCTION.

NED SHUTER thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned:--"A hole," said he, "may be the _accident_ of a day, and will pa.s.s upon the best gentleman, but _a darn_ is premeditated poverty."

CDXLII.--WIT AND QUACKERY.

A CELEBRATED quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that he came there for their good, and not for want. And then addressing his Merry Andrew, "Andrew," said he, "do we come here _for want_?"--"No faith, sir," replied Andrew, "we have _enough_ of that at home."

CDXLIII.--WIT DEFINED.

DRYDEN'S description of wit is excellent. He says:--

"A thousand different shapes wit wears, Comely in thousand shapes appears; 'Tis not a tale, 'tis not a jest, Admired with laughter at a feast; Nor florid talk, which can this t.i.tle gain,-- The proofs of wit for ever must remain."

CDXLIV.--A VAIN SEARCH.

SIR FRANCIS BLAKE DELAVAL'S death had such an effect on Foote that he burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days; the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him, with swollen eyes, what time would the burial be? "Not till next week, sir," replied the other, "as I hear the surgeons are first to dissect his head." This last word restored Foote's fancy, and, repeating it with some surprise, he asked, "And what will they get there? I am sure I have known poor Frank these five-and-twenty years, and I never could find anything in it."

CDXLV.--A BAD CUSTOMER.

"WE don't sell spirits," said a law-evading beer-seller; "we will give you a gla.s.s; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to you for three ha'pence." The "good creature" was handed down, a stiff gla.s.s swallowed, and the landlord handed his customer a biscuit. "Well, no, I think not," said the customer; "you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots of 'em _five or six_ for a penny anywhere else."

CDXLVI.--A REFLECTION.

AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him he could plainly see a _rogue_ in his face. "I never knew till now,"

said the witness, "that my _face_ was a _looking-gla.s.s_."

CDXLVII.--FOOTE.

AN artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a foolish sc.r.a.pe about _the antiquity of family_ with another artist, who gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable time. "Forfeit! Forfeit!" said Foote, "why, surely you have the best of the argument; your family is not only _several thousand years old_, but at the same time _the most numerous_ of any on the face of the globe, on the authority of Shakespeare:--