The Jest Book Part 23

THY speeches are immortal, O my friend, For he that hears them--hears them to _no end_.

CDXIII.--A CONSIDERATE SON.

A WITCH, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired him to give her some drink. "No, mother," said he, "it would do you wrong, for the _drier_ you are, the better you will burn."

CDXIV.--DANGEROUSLY WELL.

LORD BYRON, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, "Lady ---- has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that she is _dangerously well_ again."

CDXV.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord E--nb----h's pericranium.)

LET none because of its abundant _locks_, Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute, That dandy E--nb----h's "knowledge-box"

Has anything worth larceny within it.

CDXVI.--A NEW SCHOLAR.

A CALIFORNIAN gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded: "I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr.

Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more, be sure and send me their new works_."

CDXVII.--PUTTING A STOP TO PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.

JEMMY GORDON, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named _Pilgrim_, who was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge a.s.sizes, exclaimed, "You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do; you have put a stop to _Pilgrim's Progress_!"

CDXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

LIFE is a lottery where we find That fortune plays full many a prank; And when poor ---- got his mind, 'Twas fortune made him _draw a blank_.

CDXIX.--A SUDDEN CHANGE.

ONE drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by the landlord, if it was not well hopped. "Yes," answered he, "if it had hopped a little farther, it would have _hopped into the water_."

CDXX.--VALUABLE DISCOVERY.

A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned!

"How--how--how?" we hear everybody asking. He _never_ run in debt.

CDXXI.--A USEFUL ALLY.

"_Cracked_ China mended!" Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for you, or else the deuce is in it!

CDXXII.--TWO SIDES TO A SPEECH.

CHARLES LAMB sitting next some chattering woman at dinner, observing he didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the better for what I am saying to you!"--"No, ma'am," he answered, "but this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at _one ear_ and went out at _the other_!"

CDXXIII.--WILKIE'S SIMPLICITY.

ON the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir David, whose studies of human nature extended to everything but infant human nature, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of puppies and kittens; for, after looking intently into the child's eyes, as it was held up for his inspection, he exclaimed to the father, with serious astonishment and satisfaction, "He _sees_!"

CDXXIV.--RINGING THE CHANGES.

AT a tavern one night, Messrs. _More_, _Strange_, and _Wright_ Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange: Says More, "Of us three, The whole town will agree, There is only one knave, and that's _Strange_."

"Yes," says Strange (rather sore), "I'm sure there's one _More_, A most terrible knave and a bite, Who cheated his mother, His sister and brother."-- "O yes," replied More, "that is _Wright_."

CDXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.

A MAN was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner for being an attorney. "Come, come," said his lordship, "don't exaggerate matters; if the fellow had been an _attorney_, he would have _stolen the bowl_ as well as the ladle."

CDXXVI.--A SMALL GLa.s.s.

THE manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing _Macbeth_, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-gla.s.s, saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, "Take that, Mr. Cooke; take that, sir; it is the real mountain dew; that will never hurt you, sir!"--"_Not if it was vitriol_!" was the rejoinder.

CDXXVII.--DOMESTIC ECONOMY.

THE following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven dishes for sevenpence!) had its rise in an invitation which a _young_ lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day.

To unite taste and economy is no easy thing; but to show her lover she had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner:--

s. d.

At top, fish, two herrings 0 0 1 Middle, one ounce and a half of b.u.t.ter, melted 0 0 0-3/4 Bottom, a mutton chop, divided 0 0 2 On one side, one pound of small potatoes 0 0 0-1/2 On the other side, pickled cabbage 0 0 0-1/2 First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs 0 0 1-1/2 Mutton removed, French-roll boiled for a pudding 0 0 0-1/2 Parsley for garnish 0 0 0-1/4 ---------- 0 0 7

--Seven dishes for sevenpence!

CDXXVIII.--AN EMPTY HEAD.

OF a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he said, "That girl has no more head than a periwinkle."

CDXXIX.--A BAD LABEL.

TOM bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way of a label, wrote his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied it to the handle. A friend coming along, and observing the jug, quietly remarked: "That's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!"--"Why?"

said Tom. "Because somebody might come along with the _eight_ of clubs and take it!"