The Internet Is A Playground Part 38

"Ruffles and Others" By Joanne By Joanne I have a cat named Ruffles. I have more cats, but they are referred to as "others," as I cannot think of eighteen names.

"Choices" By Joanne By Joanne The photos on the neon-backed menu boards at McDonald's never look like the actual product. Except the apple pie. I will have one of those.Sponsor a poor black boyHe stinks and ate a rat with maggots today.How would you like it?

Lesley the adventurous, outdoors type Having received a love letter from Lesley in regard to the page about the poor black boy, I had a quick glance through his personal website. The website, written by Lesley, about Lesley, and featuring several photos of Lesley, describes Lesley as "... the adventurous outdoors type with a love of watersports and everything outdoors." Wasps are outdoors Lesley, do you love wasps? Fuse boxes? Open cut mining? Pedestrian crossings?

Things that people have e-mailed me that are outdoors and therefore Lesley loves: Traffic lights, p.r.i.c.kles, Litter, A bus, My sister Amanda, Flies, Cigarette b.u.t.ts, Land mines, Homeless people, Sticks, Grandma, Dark alleyways, Bins, Opera in the park, Feral cats, Playgrounds, Dust, Used condoms, Fat people at hot dog stands, Blowfish, Construction workers, Snipers, Shade, Airborne viruses, Mandy Says toilets, A box, Shoes because of the carpet, Wading pools, Children on a field trip, AstroTurf, Lesley, Indians on public transport, Holes in fences, Tether ball, Starving third-world children, My poodle Benny, Quicksand, Lawn sausages, For Sale signs, Boy Scouts, Peeping Toms, Lawn furniture, Flagpoles, Television antenna's, Owl pellets, Street walkers, Forest fires, Techno Viking, Public toilets, Yellow snow, Speed b.u.mps, Lost kittens, Free candy vans, Cement, Garden gnomes ...

From: Les Copeland Les Copeland Date: Thursday 15 Jan 2009 4:19 p.m. Thursday 15 Jan 2009 4:19 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Poor black boy Poor black boy

What kind of a complete f.u.c.king moron makes fun of starving children? What a pathetic attempt at humor. I have spent time in third world countries and seen children starving with my own eyes and I think you seriously need to grow the f.u.c.k up.

Les

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 15 Jan 2009 6:41 p.m. Thursday 15 Jan 2009 6:41 p.m.

To: Les Copeland Les Copeland Subject: Re: Poor black boy Re: Poor black boy

Dear Lesley,

Thank you for your kind e-mail. I am glad you enjoyed the website. In answer to your question, no I cannot send you a photo of myself without a shirt on. I have, however, attached this photo of a mouse riding on a toad's back. It is a visual metaphor for how you must have felt writing that last e-mail: magnanimous, the world on your shoulders, and moist.

Regards, David

From: Les Copeland Les Copeland Date: Friday 16 Jan 2009 10:28 a.m. Friday 16 Jan 2009 10:28 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Poor black boy Re: Re: Poor black boy

Are you f.u.c.king retarted? Where did I ask for a photo of you? I wrote to you about the poor black boy page. As If I would want a photo of someone who thinks starving children are funny. You need a punch in the head. And my name isnt Lesley moron. Tell me where you live and we will see how f.u.c.king funny you are.

Les From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 16 Jan 2009 11:02 a.m. Friday 16 Jan 2009 11:02 a.m.

To: Les Copeland Les Copeland Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Dear Lesbian,

Thank you for your request, but I regret that I am unable to provide you with an address, as I am homeless. Please send money and/or Legos. I have been collecting Lego blocks for nearly four years now, since I intend to build my own home. I currently have exactly 1,692,008 blocks of various sizes and need only another 4,836,029 to complete my plans of constructing a four-bedroom home with sunken lounge and indoor pool. Prior plans to build a home from seawater were abandoned due to physics. The advantages of using Lego blocks over traditional materials, in regard to durability and gaiety, are without question. The only issue is finding a block of land with a flat, green plastic base. Gaining council approval shouldn't prove to be an obstacle, as my local member of parliament, Kate Ellis, is known for her stance on environmentally responsible architecture and is a close friend. Although we are yet to meet, I send her several e-mails each day and often stand outside her house. As her front door is more than ten meters from the sidewalk, this does not violate my court order. I have attached a photo of Kate Ellis as a s.e.xy s.p.a.ce girl in case you do not know who she is.

Regards, David

From: Les Copeland Les Copeland Date: Sat.u.r.day 17 Jan 2009 2:09 p.m. Sat.u.r.day 17 Jan 2009 2:09 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

I have no idea who the f.u.c.k that is and it wouldnt suprise me if you were homeless loser. spending your time writing s.h.i.t like that instead of getting a real job like a grown up what are you 15? Did your mummy buy you the computer you are using? Why dont you turn off your computer and go outdoors there is a whole world out there. and Les is short for Lester moron. I seriously want to punch you in the f.u.c.king face.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Sat.u.r.day 17 Jan 2009 2:37 p.m. Sat.u.r.day 17 Jan 2009 2:37 p.m.

To: Les Copeland Les Copeland Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Dear moLester,

I appreciate the suggestion but dislike the outdoors; it has bees and sharp sticks in it. Once, when I went camping with my sister, she became angry at a comment I made regarding her girth and drove off leaving me stranded two hundred and thirty kilometers from the nearest McDonald's. By the third day I tried eating gra.s.s, and chased a small lizard on the fourth. If you and I had known each other then, you could have arranged an emergency UNICEF food-parcel drop. As it was, I survived only by making love to keep warm and building a vehicle out of my clothing, which enabled me to reach the nearest town, where I danced for food.

You and I should go camping together sometime, as you seem like an adventurous, outdoors kind of guy with a love of water sports and everything outdoors. I read somewhere about a father and son who went camping and during the night a tree branch fell on their tent, killing the child, so I always sleep the farthest distance possible from my son when we are camping together. Safety first. You would be a handy person to have along in case we became lost, because we could use your Village People mustache as kindling to create a signal fire and your naturally reflective surface to alert search planes.

In regard to getting a real job, my current position as a.s.sistant to the managing a.s.sistant in charge of envelopes fills much of my spare time, and I have been promised a promotion to a.s.sistant to the a.s.sistant manager in charge of a.s.sistants within ten years. The corporate stepladder has my name on every rung. Also, I understand your need to a.s.sert yourself physically-I too can experience true intimacy only through pain. As I have ventured onto your website and seen your photo, my only requirement would be that we keep the lights off because imagination has its limits. I have had worse, of course, my last girlfriend was the poster girl for "Love is blind," and my current partner is overseas at the moment, so the only intimacy in my life involves a stick of salami and the neighbor's dog when Glenda and Frank go out Tuesday nights.

Once when they arrived home early due to an argument between them regarding Frank's Internet usage, I hid in their wardrobe for four days. As I could see Frank using his computer from my hiding position, I can vouch for his denials to Glenda's accusations that he was "looking at girls on the Internet." He was looking at photos of her. No, not really. It was men.

To prime myself for your proximity, I have printed your photo out and have it sitting on the couch next to me while we watch a DVD together. Occasionally, I throw an M&M at you and pretend you giggle and tell me to stop it. We are watching Nanny McPhee, Nanny McPhee, which always makes me cry. The bit at the end where her wedding dress materializes out of snow is simply beautiful, but my favorite scene is where the robots turn on their human masters. which always makes me cry. The bit at the end where her wedding dress materializes out of snow is simply beautiful, but my favorite scene is where the robots turn on their human masters.

Regards, David

From: Les Copeland Les Copeland Date: Sat.u.r.day 17 Jan 2009 6:41 p.m. Sat.u.r.day 17 Jan 2009 6:41 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

You are a complete idiot. Dont e-mail me again.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Sat.u.r.day 17 Jan 2009 6:57 p.m. Sat.u.r.day 17 Jan 2009 6:57 p.m.

To: Les Copeland Les Copeland Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

OK.

From: Les Copeland Les Copeland Date: Sat.u.r.day 17 Jan 2009 7:02 p.m. Sat.u.r.day 17 Jan 2009 7:02 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

f.u.c.k off

About the author of 27b/6

David Thorne works in the design and branding industry as design director for a small Adelaide design agency because he is too lazy and easily distracted to do a real job. Among his mult.i.tude of qualities, which include reciting prime numbers backward from 909,526, reading to blind children, and training guide dogs, embellishment may be at the top.

David currently lives with his partner (who recently made the top 100 on So You Think You Can Dance So You Think You Can Dance) in the small country village of Adelaide, which is commonly referred to as the murder capital of Australia. This t.i.tle is given to Adelaide not due to the volume of murders, but due to the clever antics of Adelaide's finest serial killers. Ironically, Adelaide is the only Australian capital city not founded by convicts. He was born in Geraldton, Western Australia, to Welsh immigrant parents and has one sibling, an older sister, who once attempted to set his bedroom alight with him locked inside. Police did not press charges.

He has worked as a horse-riding instructor, bartender, Macintosh design system consultant, graphic designer, copy writer, branding consultant, and design director. Describing working in the design industry as "the most uncreative experience of my life," he began writing articles for his website as a distraction from spending each day making the type-size larger on clients' business cards, a.s.suring his boss that his hair looks nice, and making rubbish look appealing so that people will be tricked into buying it.