The Internet Is A Playground Part 32

Regards, David From: Craig Ellison Craig Ellison Date: Friday 26 June 2009 12:55 p.m. Friday 26 June 2009 12:55 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Skye Cargan Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr. Thorne

The 48 hours includes sleeping time. I would advise you to take this matter seriously as anti harra.s.sment laws are very specific and carry penalites ranging from fines to prison time. You would also be liable for all legal fees.

Sincerely, Craig Ellison

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 26 June 2009 1:27 p.m. Friday 26 June 2009 1:27 p.m.

To: Craig Ellison Craig Ellison Subject: Re: Re: Skye Cargan Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr. Ellison,

Does the forty hours begin from when you wrote the letter, when I received it, or when I chose to ignore it? Despite your inference, I do indeed take your threats very seriously. The thought of spending time in prison has caused my entire body to break out in a rash. It is a brown, even rash that makes me look as if I have been away on holidays and gotten a tan, so that is nice. While I am sure prison would have certain benefits, such as not having to decide what to wear each morning and the opportunity to meet new and interesting people, I have heard that they make you get up early and also expect you to shower in front of each other.

At home, I shower with the lights off, as I have a dim view of nudity. I also read once that the other prisoners make you dress up like a lady and dance for them, which does not sound like a safe idea. It has taken me years of practice to just walk in high heels, let alone dance. I would probably have to do one of those eighties dances where you just keep your legs still and dance with your arms and upper body, and the other prisoners would probably get bored and go and do other things. Unless I did the Robot, of course, which does not involve moving the feet much, and everyone loves the Robot. I know only two other dances: the Matrix, where you lean right back waving your arms slowly; and the old man dance, where I tense up, shuffle my feet intermittently, complain about the music volume, and sit down for a rest. I could probably tap dance as well, as it looks easy, but n.o.body likes that rubbish.

Regards, David

From: Craig Ellison Craig Ellison Date: Friday 26 June 2009 3:06 p.m. Friday 26 June 2009 3:06 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr. Thorne

What does this all have to do with removing our clients name and photo from your website? I would strongly advise you not to ignore our letter. If references to our client are not removed by 5pm Wednesday 7th of July we will file a complaint with the courts pending instruction from Mr. Cargan.

Sincerely, Craig Ellison From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 26 June 2009 4:21 p.m. Friday 26 June 2009 4:21 p.m.

To: Craig Ellison Craig Ellison Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr. Ellison,

I understand. In the event that this proceeds to court, will you appear for me as a character witness? I enjoy room temperature, pushing b.u.t.tons with a really smooth push b.u.t.ton action, and getting a little bit wet in the rain and then quickly running inside. Should you require more information, I am happy to meet up with you for a coffee or watch a DVD and discuss further. Have you seen the movie Waterworld Waterworld? We could read to each other if you preferred. There is a chance we could even become close friends through this, which would be a nice outcome.

I read somewhere that lawyers are second only to dentists in regard to committing suicide, so you would have someone to talk to when you are down about everyone despising you. I would probably talk you out of committing suicide, and you would owe me your life and buy me nice things. I would pretend to feel uncomfortable about accepting them and say, "You don't have to feel obligated. That's what friends do," but really I would be quite happy about it. I am a size 32 in pants.

Regards, David

From: Craig Ellison Craig Ellison Date: Monday 29 June 2009 9:36 a.m. Monday 29 June 2009 9:36 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

David, please just remove the references to Mr. Cargan from your website. He has not given you permission to use his image or name. His posting information on Facebook or Mys.p.a.ce does not make that information public property. I have spoken to Mr. Cargan in regards to this matter and while it is my understanding that he initiated the contact and the webpage was your response, it would be preferrable to all concerned that you end this now to avoid possible litigation.

Sincerely, Craig Ellison

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Monday 29 June 2009 10:09 a.m. Monday 29 June 2009 10:09 a.m.

To: Craig Ellison Craig Ellison Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr. Ellison,

I appreciate Mr. Cargan's preference for anonymity all too well. Each day before I leave the house, I dress as an elderly Jamaican woman and am well known in the community as Mrs. Cocowan. That way, if I ever find myself involved in a major crime, it is just a matter of time before they start looking for a large old black lady that sings for money at the train station and can run surprisingly fast. If I change Mr. Cargan's name would this be acceptable to you?

Regards, David From: Craig Ellison Craig Ellison Date: Monday 29 June 2009 2:42 p.m. Monday 29 June 2009 2:42 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr. Thorne

I have spoken to Mr. Cargan and we agree that changing Mr. Cargan's ident.i.ty would be an acceptable outcome. I am glad we could bring this issue to an agreeable close.

Sincerely, Craig Ellison

That Tuesday and why I was not at work While my excuses for not attending work began as believable dental and doctor appointments, as the agency I worked for went from a thriving business with more than forty clients to trading while insolvent, I realized n.o.body cared if I was absent or what reasons I gave. As there were no clients when I did attend, I spent most of the day playing a game called "Staring at the wall wondering what happy people are doing" and answering calls while pretending I was a confused Cantonese woman. In a last-ditch effort to keep the few remaining clients we had, we invited them to join us at a charity dinner to buy musical instruments for starving children. The dinner started normally, with Thomas, the business owner, talking about his hair and a staff member leaving in tears after being accused of stealing, but went downhill from there. By the fifth Scotch, the entire table, including the managing director of McDonald's, sat in embarra.s.sed silence as Thomas cried while telling a story about how, when he was twelve, his dog Trevor had died of testicular cancer. By Scotch ten, Thomas had vomited onto the leg of one client and perforated another's arm with a fork while flamboyantly telling a story about his experience in a p.h.u.ket brothel.

From: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Date: Wednesday 7 April 2010 9:02 a.m. Wednesday 7 April 2010 9:02 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Tuesday Tuesday

Hi. Where where you yesterday? Thomas tried ringing you.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Wednesday 7 April 2010 10:47 a.m. Wednesday 7 April 2010 10:47 a.m.

To: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Tuesday Re: Tuesday

Dear Shannon,

I woke up late Tuesday morning. As a meeting had been planned for 9 a.m. with an angry client expecting a completed logo design four days earlier, I realized the tune playing on my phone was not the alarm but the fourth call from Thomas. Although fully intending to do the logo, I had somehow instead spent the previous week on a knitting forum, under the guise of "Edna," a seventy-eight-year-old woman with fourteen grandchildren, making friends and exchanging tips before declaring that I could "hear someone breaking in downstairs," then logging off forever, giving them something more interesting to discuss than fractional st.i.tches and menopause.

Not caring as much as I probably should, due to working in an industry devoid of conscience, I constructed a vaguely believable excuse for being late in my head as I made a coffee, lit a cigarette, and turned on the shower. Because of the age of the building, it usually takes around five minutes for the water to heat, and I spent this time staring at the shower curtain, which features the periodic table, wondering why I had never heard of Seaborgium (106).

As I entered the shower and was soaking and lathering my hair with shampoo, my phone rang for the fifth time. As I reached out of the shower to answer it, I slipped, fell, and slammed my face, mouth first, into the sink, knocking out two teeth and cracking another. Through the pain, which was exactly like having my teeth knocked out with a porcelain sink, I stemmed the blood with a Mr. Men T-shirt shoved into my mouth while searching for a dentist online.