The Internet Is A Playground Part 25

Regards, David From: Brian Lawrence Brian Lawrence Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 1:34 p.m. Thursday 27 May 2010 1:34 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

you can keep the squirel food and pants what have squirrels go to do with the car?I can get a black BMW for how much you want for your car. why are wasting my time? are you f.u.c.king stupid?

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 1:51 p.m. Thursday 27 May 2010 1:51 p.m.

To: Brian Lawrence Brian Lawrence Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

Dear Brian,

I do apologize. I a.s.sumed from your initial offer that wasting each other's time was the premise of our relationship. The vehicle has been sold, at the asking price, but the pants (beige, size 32L) and four-kilo bag of squirrel food are still available if you want them.

When I was young, I had an Auntie named Phyllis who owned a glue gun and believed homemade presents were far superior to store-bought ones-despite her artistic level being just below that of a blind quadriplegic monkey. I once received, inside a large box with a shiny ribbon, a Christmas tree snowman ornament consisting of a foam ball with plastic hat, sequins for b.u.t.tons, and face drawn on with a Bic pen. For my birthday. In February. Her presents were quietly referred to as "s.h.i.t in a shiny ribbon."

I'm sure you will be much happier in your BMW. As you drive down the street, people will probably point and declare, "Look at that guy! He must be rich or a secret agent."

Regards, David From: Brian Lawrence Brian Lawrence Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 5:21 p.m. Thursday 27 May 2010 5:21 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

go f.u.c.k a squirel

Simon's guide to wilderness survival h.e.l.lo, my name is Simon, and I have been lost thirty-six times, which makes me an expert. Once when I was lost in the desert, I survived by absorbing the moisture from the air through my skin like a frog and feeding on krill. Another time when I was lost in the Antarctic, I fashioned a snowmobile from ice, and rode to safety. I have compiled this complete guide to wilderness survival to ensure you too can survive, should you find yourself lost, in almost any environment.

Survival Tip #1 If you have water with you, drink it all immediately. There is a good chance you will be rescued before long, so it is pointless being dehydrated. If you do run out of water, the trick to finding more in the wilderness is to remember that water always flows downhill. Find a hill and wait at the bottom. I read somewhere that if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine, so I always take a two-liter bottle of it wherever I go just in case.

Survival Tip #2 Do not eat the bright purple mushrooms. Once while lost, I found and ate some bright purple mushrooms, figuring such a friendly color could not possibly be dangerous. A short time later, a beetle and I discussed the differences between the director's cut of Blade Runner Blade Runner and the cinematic release. Always remember that bark is an excellent source of nutrition and can be prepared simply by marinating overnight and cooking for twenty minutes in a preheated oven at 240 degrees Celsius. and the cinematic release. Always remember that bark is an excellent source of nutrition and can be prepared simply by marinating overnight and cooking for twenty minutes in a preheated oven at 240 degrees Celsius.

Things that should not be eaten: Bright purple mushrooms Rocks Cha-Chi's Mexican Restaurant food Wasps Survival Tip #3 Building yourself a shelter is an integral part of survival. A small bungalow or cottage will be sufficient unless you have a lot of furniture. Always remember that when tiling a roof, it is important to use a rope and harness to avoid falling. If you do fall, land horizontally with your arms and legs stretched out to maximize surface area. Always check with your local council on required permits prior to building. Protect yourself from hungry animals by fortifying your shelter. A wall of no less than two meters with a lockable gate should be sufficient. Always build your wall out of noncombustible materials, as wild animals will often attempt to gain access by using fire. Befriend large animals such as bears to protect you from smaller ones. A bear can easily be mollified if you run toward it yelling.

Materials that are not suitable for building shelter with: Water Angry words Live ants Survival Tip #4 Building a fire without the use of matches or a lighter is a simple matter. Most forest fires are caused by lightning strikes, so run a steel cable from the top of a tall tree to a pile of sticks, and then be patient. Construct your fire under a group of trees and stack large piles of leaves around the edge to serve as wind-breaks. Wolves are attracted to firelight but have a highly developed sense of smell and detest the odor of petrol, so be sure to douse the surrounding area and yourself well.

If you do not have petrol with you and wolves enter your campsite, curling up into a small ball and making a high pitched sound like a wounded bird will confuse and deter them. If you are being attacked by a wolf, do not accidently grab a snake to fight it off with. If you have emergency flares, taping several dozen to your legs and setting them off at the same time will allow you to hover above the wolves for several seconds, safe from their snapping jaws.

Survival Tip #5 Having the appropriate clothing and medical equipment in preparation for any weather condition or emergency situation is the key to survival. If you are camping in a cool climate such as the Antarctic, make sure you take a scarf. Watching the movie Castaway Castaway will give you an idea of what items would be useful should you find yourself lost for several years, and comes down to personal preference. If I were Tom Hanks, I would have taken several hundred cartons of cigarettes and a suitcase of p.o.r.nography. will give you an idea of what items would be useful should you find yourself lost for several years, and comes down to personal preference. If I were Tom Hanks, I would have taken several hundred cartons of cigarettes and a suitcase of p.o.r.nography.

I read somewhere about a guy who, while camping, cut his leg, and as he was sleeping, a spider laid eggs in the wound. I would rather amputate my leg than have baby spiders hatching in it, so a surgical-grade bone saw is an essential component in any backpack. It is always better to preempt these things, so any limbs that receive cuts, scratches, or bites should be removed immediately.

Survival Tip #6 Find some means of alerting rescuers to your whereabouts. If you are lost in a desert, writing a large SOS in the sand with your water is an effective means of drawing attention. If you are lost in a jungle, a simple two-way radio can be constructed from kits available at any Tandy or RadioShack store. Waving your arms at pa.s.sing rescue planes expends precious energy, so it is better to dig a small hole, lay in it, cover yourself with leaves to keep warm and relax while you wait for them to find you.

Use the time you are waiting to be rescued wisely. Sort your DVD collection into alphabetical order or fix that broken tap that you have been meaning to for months but did not get around to because it would mean driving to the hardware store and buying a new rubber washer. Sc.r.a.pbooking is, apparently, a fun and satisfying hobby.

Having someone to talk to will help the time pa.s.s much more quickly. The last time I was lost and feeling lonely, I constructed company to talk to from mud. I called her Anne, and after realizing we had a lot in common, we fell in love. Sadly, she disappeared a few nights later during a rainstorm, and though I searched desperately for her throughout the wilderness for many weeks, I eventually gave up hope and sought respite from the outside world inside a dam, where I lived for eight years with my pain and a family of angry beavers.

Survival Tip #7 If you become bored while waiting to be rescued and decide to walk, it is helpful to have a map. As you have no way of knowing where you may become lost, a map of everywhere is required. Simply marking everywhere on the map you are not will pinpoint where you are. A simple compa.s.s can be constructed by rubbing a small round pebble up and down polyester slacks to generate static magneticity, then floating the pebble in a small pool of water. The pebble will sometimes face north.

Keeping a collection of pebbles in your pocket is also handy for when you come to a stream, as you can use them as stepping-stones. In case of deeper rivers, it is wise to carry a collection of larger rocks in your backpack at all times. If the river is still too deep, constructing a canoe can easily be accomplished by pouring a mixture of liquid polymer and setting agents into a precast mold.

Professional photography tips with Thomas h.e.l.lo, my name is Thomas, and I am a professional photographer because I bought a digital camera.

Tip 1 How to become a professional photographer How to become a professional photographer Buy a digital camera.

Tip 2 Tricks of the trade Tricks of the trade Have a look on the camera; somewhere, probably on the top or back or somewhere on the front or sides, there will be a b.u.t.ton or dial marked "A." This does not stand for "Automatic," as some amateurs think, but "Awesome." Leave it on this all the time.

Tip 3 Photography courses Photography courses There is no need for even a basic photography course, because once you buy a digital camera you will be a professional photographer like me. Not as good as me, though.

Tip 4 Lighting Lighting You will need some light; otherwise the photos will come out a bit too dark. Usually you can fix them in Photoshop, but some light to begin with is good.

Tip 5 Subject matter Subject matter Yes, it does. Don't take photos of girls leaving the high school from your car, as the fine is $360 and a year's probation.

Sunset from my rooftop.

View of city from my rooftop.

The plant on my rooftop.

Some people that once came to visit me on my rooftop. Or my toes-I am unsure.

Ten jobs I would rather have than mine I get up after hitting the snooze b.u.t.ton a minimum of six times. I make a coffee, then sit in the shower drinking it and smoking cigarettes until the initial agony of knowing I have to spend another day with my coworkers dissipates. I generally spend this time trying to calculate the pros and cons of just not turning up. I know they will b.i.t.c.h, but their opinions mean little to anyone, so sometimes I just stay in the shower for an hour and then go back to bed. If I do decide to go in, I sit in an office the size of a wardrobe and temperature of a kiln prost.i.tuting myself by spending the day making poor products look appealing so that people will be tricked into buying them. This pretty much sums up the entire design industry. Sometimes I grumble and whine out loud so that people think I am working, but I am on the Internet instead. It has lots of things on there I like. As I am possibly the laziest person I know, the design industry is the only field I can survive in. I would last less than an hour doing manual labor of any form, and I often cope on less than two hours' sleep a night, so anything requiring alertness or intelligence is out of the question. As is anything requiring personal hygiene. This leaves either taxi driving or my boss's position. As his job role consists only of pretending to talk on the phone, pa.s.sing blame, and downloading p.o.r.nography, I am more than qualified.

#1 Fortune Cookie Writer As far as writing jobs go, this would probably be the easiest, as the pages are very small. When I was at school, I had an English teacher named Judith Bowman who would make us read a novel every few weeks and write a two-page essay on each. This would not usually be an issue, as I enjoy reading, but Mrs. Bowman loved Agatha Christie novels so would force us to read only these. As my interest in reading about French inspectors on trains is on equal par with being molested by a drunk uncle, I handed in my two-page essay on two pieces of paper measuring two-by-three centimeters each (arguing that the size of the two pages had not been indicated at any time) with the words "Reading the novel Murder on the Orient Express Murder on the Orient Express is" on one piece, and "less enjoyable than being molested by a drunk uncle" on the other. This did not go down as well as might have been expected, and I was forced to rewrite the essay, which this time I began with "Being forced to read Mrs. Bowman's own personal preferences in literature is less enjoyable than being molested by a drunk uncle, which is why I chose to read is" on one piece, and "less enjoyable than being molested by a drunk uncle" on the other. This did not go down as well as might have been expected, and I was forced to rewrite the essay, which this time I began with "Being forced to read Mrs. Bowman's own personal preferences in literature is less enjoyable than being molested by a drunk uncle, which is why I chose to read Ender's Game Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card instead ..." If I were a professional fortune cookie writer, among the standard messages of promised hope and riches, I would include statements such as "I am sending you this message from the future. Robots will take over in four days; leave the city immediately" and "Judith Bowman has a.n.a.l warts." by Orson Scott Card instead ..." If I were a professional fortune cookie writer, among the standard messages of promised hope and riches, I would include statements such as "I am sending you this message from the future. Robots will take over in four days; leave the city immediately" and "Judith Bowman has a.n.a.l warts."

#2 Park Ranger Sometimes when I am at work and have had enough of moving pixels around the screen, I will grab my keys, saying, "I have to go to a client meeting. I will be back in an hour," and run out the door before anybody can question who the meeting is with. Then I go shopping for cleaning products or to a movie. If I were a park ranger I would tell everyone that I had a meeting with a sick bear or something, then go for a canoe ride.

#3 Drug Dealer It would seem to me that being paid to provide something that makes people happy would be one of the most satisfying professions available. A while back, my mother visited a Tasmanian region where they grow opium poppies for medicinal purposes and brought me back a seed she had "found." I planted it in my front yard and several weeks later it bloomed. Having read L. Ron Hubbard's Mission Earth Mission Earth series, which included detailed instructions on processing opium, I used a scalpel to cut lines in the black center, then dried the milky substance, resulting in about half a teaspoon of white powder. That night, my friend Kas came over to my place with his entire CD collection to listen to, and we decided to try some of the powder. A short time later, with the live version of Gary Numan's "Down in the Park" playing on loop, we were both standing completely naked in the bathroom shaving our entire bodies, following a discussion about how nice it would be to have smooth skin like an eel. I do not recall much of the rest of the evening, but I awoke to find myself wearing a pillowcase with holes cut out for my arms and head as a shirt and Kas asleep on the sofa wearing the same, plus 3D gla.s.ses. Before waking and leaving later that afternoon, Kas swapped me his entire CD collection for the remainder of the powder. series, which included detailed instructions on processing opium, I used a scalpel to cut lines in the black center, then dried the milky substance, resulting in about half a teaspoon of white powder. That night, my friend Kas came over to my place with his entire CD collection to listen to, and we decided to try some of the powder. A short time later, with the live version of Gary Numan's "Down in the Park" playing on loop, we were both standing completely naked in the bathroom shaving our entire bodies, following a discussion about how nice it would be to have smooth skin like an eel. I do not recall much of the rest of the evening, but I awoke to find myself wearing a pillowcase with holes cut out for my arms and head as a shirt and Kas asleep on the sofa wearing the same, plus 3D gla.s.ses. Before waking and leaving later that afternoon, Kas swapped me his entire CD collection for the remainder of the powder.

#4 Wind Turbine Technician (specializing in aerotechatrons) Everyone loves wind turbines because they are so big and white and symbolize clean, renewable energy and environmental responsibility. I knew a girl once who had a poster of one on her wall, and when I asked if she was an environmentalist, she answered, "No, I just like them," which is fair enough. Everyone does. I have never heard anyone say, "G.o.d, I hate wind turbines," so if my business card said Wind Turbine Technician rather than Designer, I would probably receive the pity look a lot less. The only problem is that I would have to pretend to care about the environment. There is an old saying that "This is not our planet. We are just looking after it for our children," but in thirty years when my offspring complains that we trashed the planet, I will say, "That's what you get for all the c.r.a.p Father's Day presents." Once, while talking to a girl at a bar, I lied to her about my job, telling her I was a wind turbine technician (specializing in aerotechatrons), because I was bored and thought it would be funny. After a few beers, I put my arm out to lean against the bar and my hand slipped, sending my neck into the corner of the bar and leaving me unable to breathe for a few minutes. After a.s.suring her that I did not require medical a.s.sistance, she stated that she had to go and asked for my business card. Forgetting my deception, I handed one over, and while she stood there reading the card, frowning, I asked her out, but she said no.

#5 New Zealand Tourism Operator This would give me plenty of spare time, as n.o.body wants to go there.

#6 Adult Movie Star Being paid to do something pleasurable would be nice, so it is strange that prost.i.tution or starring in p.o.r.nographic movies is seen as a demeaning profession. While attending uni, studying the artistic equivalent of prost.i.tution (graphic design), a female friend and I decided to make a "home video" and borrowed a large video camera with tripod from the university media department for the night. Foregoing script, we were in mid performance when my leg developed a severe cramp, and I kicked the tripod, causing the camera to topple forward and crash into the back of my head, cutting a two-inch gash. I was kept at the hospital overnight after receiving fourteen st.i.tches and arrived home the next day to find the camera had been returned to the media department, complete with video ca.s.sette still in it. A week later, I received a letter from the media department lecturer stating that the media equipment is available only for school projects, not "C-grade p.o.r.nography."

#7 Accident Claim Investigator Having a job where people tell you a story and you say, "I don't think so," seems like it would be a lot of fun. I have been in a total of three vehicle accidents. The first occurred when I was driving on a dirt road in the rain, lost control, and hit a cow. The second occurred while driving home from my friend Simon's place. While at his house for a coffee, I attached a rubber spider on a string to the inside of his cupboard with sticky tape so that the next time he opened it to grab a coffee mug, the spider swung out at him. The reaction was more than expected: Simon screamed, threw himself backward onto the floor, and actually cried. Later that afternoon as I was driving home, I lowered the sun visor and the rubber spider, which Simon had placed there in what he felt was appropriate retaliation, fell forward onto my lap. I pressed hard on the brake and turned the steering wheel, sending the vehicle into a spin and clipping a white Mercedes before ending up in an elderly man's front hedge. The third occurred many years ago while driving to uni one morning. A girl driving a Ford Laser pulled up at the traffic lights next to me, and I noticed she was wiping tears and looking quite angry. As there is nothing as attractive as an angry and upset female, I came up with an ingenious plan: The next time she stopped at lights, I would "accidently" tap the back of her car, then get out, talk, exchange numbers, and get married. As she was pulling to a stop, I edged forward, but she braked more suddenly than I had expected, and I slammed into the back of her car hard enough to see her head flap around like a rag doll. After pulling over, exchanging details, and offering to drive her to the hospital for the cut on her forehead, I asked her out, but she said no. On all three occasions, I was a.s.signed an accident claim investigator.

#8 Parking Inspector Although there would obviously be many benefits to being a parking inspector, the knowledge that every day I would be making the world a better place would be the most satisfying aspect. They would try to pay me, and I would put my hand up and say, "No, the important contribution I make to society is payment enough."

#9 Forest Fire Lookout As far as I can tell, the position consists entirely of sitting in a very tall cubby house, looking out the window. As you would be able to see for miles around and tell if anyone was coming, you could do anything you wanted in between reporting over the radio that you have not seen any forest fires yet. I would probably watch a lot of p.o.r.nography and do drugs. When I was about ten, a friend of mine and I built a cubby house in the tallest tree in our backyard using wooden planks stolen from the neighbor's fence. Late one evening, while my parents were at a marriage counseling session, I was in the cubby house (as it overlooked the neighbor's bedroom), when a strong breeze caused the cubby house to collapse, pinning me between the floor and a fallen wall. Unable to call out or move due to the crushing weight, I remained there the entire night, falling asleep at one point but waking when it started to rain, before finally being rescued the next day when the neighbor let his cat out and heard my soft cries for help. While I was at the hospital, the neighbor took back his planks.

#10 Doctor Because nurses are easy.

Professor Thomas explains the mysteries of science h.e.l.lo, my name is Professor Thomas. People ask me many scientific questions, and I know all the answers because I have the Discovery Channel at home. Perhaps you would like to come over and watch it with me. I have a rooftop as well.

Perpetual Motion Is perpetual motion like when you fall down a bottomless pit?

Kind of, but it's more like when you put two ice cubes next to each other and they never melt because they just keep each other cold forever.

What if you put two ice cubes next to each other and dropped them down a bottomless pit?

They would drift apart and melt, unless you glued them, but then they wouldn't really be touching.

Lea p Years I like having an extra day. Why can't we have them every year?

There is a good reason you have them only once every four years. It's like chocolate. If you have it too often, you get too used to it, then you need to eat more. Then we've got too many years and everyone lives too long. This would have serious consequences on the circle of life.

Stars There are stars born every day. People who believe in the science of stars are called Scientologists.

Tides Sometimes the ocean water is high, but sometimes it's low because the moon is magnetic and it attracts the water.

I thought magnets only attracted metal.

Water's a type of metal. It is also one of the n.o.ble gases.

The Water Cycle Water dies, then decomposers break it down into organic matter. Then it rains water seeds, and when the water seeds mix up with the decomposed water, lakes grow.

Hydrogen As a Fuel Source Can we use alternative fuel for petrol in our cars?

Only certain cars.

Which cars?

Hydrogen is two-thirds water; so, cars that are one-third water.

Really?

Yes, because humans are 80 percent water, so we use hydrogen and not gasoline, and most cars are around 5 percent; but if the car is 20 percent or more water, then it can run on hydrogen.

Like boats?

Yes, exactly like boats.

Absolute Zero Absolute zero is when it can't get any colder. It could get infinitely colder, but it wouldn't be any more cold.

Relativity Einstein's theory of relativity is very complicated and can be almost impossible to understand, but E=MC2 means when you go really fast, time goes slower because you get there earlier. means when you go really fast, time goes slower because you get there earlier.

Black Holes s.p.a.ce is like a bathtub, and you fill it with light, and black holes are where the light drains out.

Where does the light go?

It goes back into s.p.a.ce as light-vapor, and when it condensates, that's how a sun is formed.