The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 56

"I should like Gladstone to see that, Jem; talk about a collar! the Grand Old Man's nowhere-he'd better take to turndowns after this."

"Yes," replied the gentleman addressed; "I think this would settle him-is he liberal or tory, I wonder?"

"Tory, you're sure-wotes for the Squoire, I'll warrant. A small loaf and a big jail."

Mr. b.u.mpkin turned his eyes first towards one speaker and then towards another without moving his head, as he thought:

"Danged if I doan't bleeve thee means I." But he wisely said nothing.

"I say," said another, "I wonder if pigeon's milk is good for the complexion."

"No," said Jem, "it makes your nose red, and makes the hair sprout out of the top of it."

Here was a laugh all round, which made the Usher call out silence; and the Judge said he would have the Court cleared if order was not preserved. Then there was a loud shouting all over the Court for "Thomas b.u.mpkin!"

"Here I be!" said b.u.mpkin, amid more laughter-and especially of the wits around him. Then a great bustling and hustling, and pushing and struggling took place.

"Danged if that beant my case," said Mr. b.u.mpkin; "but it ain't my counsellor."

"Make way for the plaintiff," shouted the Usher; "stand on one side-don't crowd up this pa.s.sage. This way, sir, make haste; the Court's waiting for you, why do you keep the Court waiting in this way?"

"I was just going to strike your case out," said the Judge, "the public time can't be wasted in this way."

b.u.mpkin scrambled along through the crowd, and was hustled into the witness-box. The Judge put up his eye-gla.s.s, and looked at the plaintiff as though he was hardly fit to bring an action in a Superior Court. Up went the book into his hand. "Take the book in your right hand. Kiss the book; now attend and speak up-speak up so that those gentlemen may hear."

"Why weren't you here before?" asked the Judge.

"I wur, my lord?"

"Didn't you hear your learned counsel opening your case?"

"I didn't know it wur my case," said b.u.mpkin, amid roars of laughter.

"I don't wonder at that," said Mr. Ricochet, looking at the jury.

"Now then," said the Judge.

"And now, then," said Mr. Silverspoon; for neither of his own counsel was able to be present.

"You are a farmer, I believe?"

"I be."

"On the 29th of May, 18--; did the defendant come to your farm?"

"Ur did."

"Did he buy a pig?"

"Ur did not; but ur said he'd be d---d if ur wouldn't 'ave un."

"And did he come and take it away?"

"Ur did; pulled un slick out of the sty; and when I tried to stop un in the Lane, took un by main force?"

Mr. Silverspoon sat down.

"What was the age of this pig, Mr. b.u.mpkin," enquired the Judge.

"He wur ten weeks old, your lord."

"Isn't there a calf case, Mr. Ricochet, very similar to this?"

"Yes, my lord."

"I think," said Mr. Justice Pangloss, "it was tried in the reign of James the First."

Mr. Ricochet, who knew nothing of the calf case, except what his Lordship had told him, said he believed it was.

"If this was anything," continued Mr. Ricochet, "upon the plaintiff's own showing it was a felony, and the plaintiff should have prosecuted the defendant criminally before having recourse to his civil remedy; that is laid down in the sheep case reported in Walker's Trumpery Cases."

"What volume of the Trumpery Cases is that, Mr. Ricochet?"

"Six hundred and fifty, my lud."

His Lordship writes it down. "Page?" says his lordship.

"Nineteen hundred and ninety-five, my lud; about the middle of the book."

Judge calls to the Usher to bring the six hundred and fiftieth volume of Walker's Trumpery Cases.

"But there's a case before that," said his lordship. "There's a case, if I recollect rightly, about the time of Julius Caesar-the donkey case."

"It's on all fours with this," said Mr. Ricochet.

"What do you say, Mr. Silverspoon?"

Then Mr. Silverspoon proceeded to show that none of those cases was on all fours with the present case; and a long and interesting argument followed between the Bench and the Bar. And it was said by those who were most competent to judge, that Mr. Silverspoon quite distinguished himself for the wonderful erudition he displayed in his knowledge of the donkey case, and several other cases of four-footed beasts that were called to his attention by Mr. Justice Pangloss. A perfect menagerie was "adduced." Mr. b.u.mpkin meanwhile wondering where he was, and what on earth they had all got to do with the plain fact of Snooks taking his pig without paying for it.

At length, after four hours had been consumed in these learned disquisitions, Mr. Justice Pangloss, reviewing the judgments of the various eminent lawyers who had presided over the respective cases in the several reigns, and after quoting many observations of those eminent jurists, said that in order to save time he would hold, for the purposes of to-day, that Mr. b.u.mpkin was ent.i.tled to bring his action: but, of course, he would reserve the point; he was by no means clear; he considered himself bound by authority; and as the point was extremely important, and left undecided after no less than twelve hundred years of argument on the one side and the other, he thought it ought to be solemnly settled. An unsettled state of the law was a very bad thing in his lordship's opinion; especially in these modern times, when it appeared to him that the public were clamouring for further reform, and a still further simplification of legal procedure.

This suited Mr. Ricochet exactly; he could not be said now to have lost his case, even if the jury should find against him. But he had yet to cut up b.u.mpkin in cross-examination. The old trial was brought up against the plaintiff; and every thing that could tend to discredit him was asked. Mr. Ricochet, indeed, seemed to think that the art of cross-examination consisted in bullying a witness, and asking all sorts of questions tending to cast reflections upon his character. He was especially great in insinuating perjury; knowing that that is always open to a counsel who has no other defence.

"Will you swear that?" was asked at almost every answer; sometimes prefaced by the warning, "Be careful, sir-be careful." If he could get hold of anything against a witness's character, be it ever so small, and at ever so remote a distance in the man's life, he brought it out; and being a Queen's Counsel he did not always receive the reproofs that would have crushed a stuff gownsman into respectable behaviour.

"Were you charged with a.s.saulting a female in the public streets, sir?"

"No, I worn't."