The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 55

"What a name, _Bellie_! danged if I doan't think thee be stickin it into I," and then he laughed and repeated, "thee be stickin it into I."

"Now for Pagannini!" says Horatio; "now you'll hear something. By Jove, he'll show you!"

"Why I've eerd tell o' thic Piganiny when I were a boy," says b.u.mpkin, "used to play on one leg."

"That's the man," says Horatio.

"But this ere man got two legs, how can he be Piganiny?"

"I don't know anything about that," says Horatio; "what's it matter how many legs he's got, just listen to that!"

"Why danged if that bean't as much like thic Cochin Chiner c.o.c.k o' mine as ever I eered in my life."

"Told you so," says Horatio; "but keep quiet, you'll hear something presently."

And sure enough he did: pig in the straw; sow in the stye; bull in the meadow; sheep in the fold; everything was perfect.

Never before had Mr. b.u.mpkin been so overpowered. He never before knew what music was. Truly Piganiny was a deserving man, and a clever one too. Mr. b.u.mpkin's enthusiasm had carried him thus far, when to his great satisfaction the Lady Flora looked round. It was very nice of her, because it was as if she wished to know if Mr. b.u.mpkin and his friend felt the same rapturous delight as she and her sister. What a nice face Lady Flora's was! It wasn't unlike the Squire's eldest daughter's.

Between that, perhaps, and the Vicar's youngest daughter's.

Then the Countess slightly turned round, her face wearing a smile of great complaisance, and Mr. b.u.mpkin could have seen at once that she was a person of great distinction even if he had not been informed of her rank. Well, taken for all in all, it was a night he would never forget, and his only feeling of regret was that Mrs. b.u.mpkin was not present to share his pleasure-the roar of that bull would have just pleased her; it was so like Sampson.

And now the scene shifters were preparing for another performance, and were adjusting ropes and fixing poles, and what not, when, as Mr. b.u.mpkin was lost in profound meditation, up rose from her seat the beautiful Lady Flora, and turning round with a bewitching face, and a.s.suming an air of inexpressible simplicity, she exclaimed to Mr. b.u.mpkin in the sweetest of voices: "O you duck!"

Mr. b.u.mpkin started as if a cannon had exploded in his face instead of a beautiful young lady. He blushed to the deepest crimson, and then the lady Flora poured into him a volley of her sweetiest prettiest laughter.

Attacked thus so suddenly and so effectively, what could he do? He felt there must be some mistake, and that he ought to apologize. But the Lady Flora gave him no time; leaning forward, she held out her hand-

"Beg pardon, m'lady-thic-I-I."

Then the Countess rose and smiled upon Mr. b.u.mpkin, and said she hoped he wouldn't mind; her sister was of such a playful disposition.

The playful one here just touched Mr. b.u.mpkin under the chin with her forefinger, and again said he was a "_perfect duck_!"

"What be the manin' o' this?" said he. "I be off; come on, sir. This be quite enough for I."

"Don't go like that," said Lady Flora. "Oh, dear, dear, what a cruel man!"

"Not a gla.s.s of wine," said the Countess.

"Not one, Mr. b.u.mpkin!" urged Lady Flora.

Mr. b.u.mpkin had risen, and was angry: he was startled at his name being known: he looked to Horatio, hoping some explanation might come; but the pale youth had his back to him, and was preparing to leave the Hall.

There were many curious eyes looking at them, and there was much laughter. Mr. b.u.mpkin's appearance would alone have been sufficient to cause this: but his mind was to be farther enlightened as to the meaning of this extraordinary scene; and it happened in this wise. As he was proceeding between the rows of people, followed closely by those ill.u.s.trious members of the aristocracy, the Countess and Lady Flora; while the waiters grinned and the people laughed, his eye caught sight of an object away over the front seat, which formed a right angle with the one he had been occupying; it was an object unattractive in itself but which, under the circ.u.mstances, fixed and riveted his attention; that object was Snooks, in the corner of the third row, with his sawpit mouth on the broadest grin.

CHAPTER x.x.xV.

The trial.

Who shall describe the feelings of joy which animated the breast of Mr.

b.u.mpkin when at last, with the suddenness of lightning, Mr. Prigg's clerk flashed into his little parlour the intelligence, "Case in paper; be at Court by ten o'clock; Bail Court." Such was the telegram which Mr.

b.u.mpkin got his landlady to read on that pleasant evening towards the end of July. The far-seeing Prigg was right. It would come on about the end of July. That is what he had predicted. But it would not have been safe for Mr. b.u.mpkin to be away from town for a single day. It might have been in the paper at any moment; and here it was, just as he was beginning to get tired of "Camden Town and the whole thing."

Mr. b.u.mpkin put on a clean shirt, with a good stiff high collar, which he had reserved from Mrs. b.u.mpkin's wash; for, in his opinion, there was no stiffening in the London starch, and no getting up like Mrs. b.u.mpkin's.

He put on his best neckerchief, and a bran new waistcoat which he had bought for Sundays six years ago at the market town. He put on his drab coat with the long tails, which he had worn on the day of his marriage, and had kept for his best ever since; he put on his velvety looking corduroy trowsers and his best lace-up watertight boots; and then, after a good breakfast, put on his white beaver hat, took his ash-stick, and got into a Westminster 'Bus. What a beautiful morning it was! Just the morning for a law suit! Down he got at Palace Yard, walked towards the s.p.a.cious door of the old hall, entered its shadowy precincts, and then, in my dream, I lost sight of him as he mingled with the crowd. But I saw some few moments after in the Bail Court enter, amidst profound silence and with impressive dignity, Mr. Justice Stedfast. Let me here inform the reader that if by any chance, say by settlement, postponement or otherwise, the first case in the list "goes off," as it is called (from its bearing a striking resemblance to the unexpected going off of a gun), and the parties in the next case, taken by surprise, are not there at the moment, that case goes off by being struck out; and very often the next and the next, and so on to the end of the list. Parties therefore should be ready, so as to prevent a waste of time. The time of the Court is not to be wasted by parties not being ready. Now, strangely enough, this is what happened in the case of _b.u.mpkin_ v. _Snooks_. Being number eight, no one thought it would be reached; and the leading counsel, and also the junior counsel being engaged elsewhere; and Mr. Prigg and Mr. Prigg's clerk not having arrived; and Mr. b.u.mpkin not knowing his way; at five minutes after the sitting of the Court, so expeditious are our legal proceedings, the celebrated case was actually reached, and this is what took place:

"Are the parties ready?" inquired his Lordship.

Mr. Ricochet, Q.C., who appeared with Mr. Weasel for the defendant, said he was ready for the defendant.

"Call the plaintiff!" said a voice.

Loud cries for b.u.mpkin, who was just pushing his way down the pa.s.sage outside.

"Does anyone answer?" asked his lordship; "do you know if any gentleman is instructed, Mr. Ricochet?"

"I am not aware, my lud."

"Stand up and be sworn, gentlemen," says the a.s.sociate. Up stood the jury; and in less than half a minute they found a verdict for the defendant, counterclaim being abandoned, just as Mr. b.u.mpkin had pushed into Court. And judgment is given.

The business having been thus got through, the Court rose and went away.

And then came in both counsel and Mr. Prigg and Horatio; and great complaints were made of everybody except the Judge, who couldn't help it.

But our administration of justice is not so inelastic that it cannot adapt itself to a set of circ.u.mstances such as these. It was only to make a few more affidavits, and to appear before his lordship by counsel, and state the facts in a calm and respectful manner, to obtain the necessary rectification of the matter. All was explained and all forgiven. _b.u.mpkin_ v. _Snooks_ was to be restored to the paper upon payment of the costs of the day-a trifling matter, amounting only to about eighteen pounds seventeen shillings. But a severe admonition from the Bench accompanied this act of grace: "The Court cannot be kept waiting," said his lordship; "and it is necessary that all suitors should know that if they are not here when their cases are called on they will be struck out, or the party to the cause who is here will be ent.i.tled to a verdict, if the defendant; or to try his case in the other's absence, if he be the plaintiff. It was idle to suppose that parties could not be there in time: it was their business to be there."

At this every junior barrister nodded approvingly, and the usher called silence.

Of course, the cause could not be in the paper again for some time: they must suit Mr. Ricochet's convenience now: and accordingly another period of waiting had to be endured. Mr. b.u.mpkin was almost distracted, but his peace of mind was restored by the worthy Prigg, who persuaded him that a most laudable piece of good fortune had been brought about by his intervention; and that was the preventing the wily Snooks from keeping the verdict he had s.n.a.t.c.hed.

What a small thing will sometimes comfort us!

Mr. b.u.mpkin was, indeed, a lucky man; for if his case had not been in the paper when at last it was, it would have "gone over the Long Vacation."

At length I saw Mr. Justice Pangloss, the eminent Chancery Judge, take his seat in the Bail Court. He was an immense case lawyer. He knew cases that had been tried in the reigns of the Edwards and Henries. A pig case could not, therefore, come amiss.

A case lawyer is like Moses and Sons; he can fit anybody, from Chang down to a midget. But there is sometimes an inconvenience in trying to fit an old precedent on to new circ.u.mstances: and I am not unfrequently reminded of the boy whose corduroy trousers were of the exact length, and looked tolerable in front; but if you went round they stuck out a good deal on the other side. He might grow to them, no doubt, but it is a clumsy mode of tailoring after all.

Now Mr. b.u.mpkin, of course, could not be sure that his case was "coming on." All he knew was, that he must avoid Snooks' s.n.a.t.c.hing another verdict. He had been to great expense, and a commission had actually been issued to take Joe's evidence while his regiment was detained at Malta. Mr. Prigg had taken the plaintiff into a crowd, and there had left him early in the morning.

Mr. b.u.mpkin's appearance even in the densest crowd was attractive, to say the least: and many and various were the observations from time to time made by the vulgar roughs around as to his personal appearance. His shirtcollar was greatly praised, so was the beauty of his waistcoat: while I heard one gentleman make an enquiry which showed he was desirous of ascertaining what was the name of the distinguished firm which had the honour of supplying him with hats. One said it was Heath, he could tell by the brim; another that it was Cole, he went by the polish; and the particular curl of the brim, which no other hatter had ever succeeded in producing. While another gentleman with one eye and half a nose protested that it was one of Lincoln and Bennett's patent dynamite resisters on an entirely new principle.

The subject of all these remarks listened as one in doubt as to whether they were levelled at him or in any other direction. He glanced at the many eyes turned upon him, and heard the laughter that succeeded every new witticism. His uncertainty as to whether he was "the party eamed at," heightened the amus.e.m.e.nt of the wits.

Now came a bolder and less mistakable allusion to his personal appearance: