The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 47

"Then, what wool?" asked Mr. b.u.mpkin.

Mr. Alibi did not know, unless it was instructing him in due time and not leaving it to the last moment. That seemed the only safe course.

Mr. b.u.mpkin took off his hat, drew out his handkerchief, and wiped the perspiration from his forehead. Then he breathed heavily. Now at this moment a strange phenomenon occurred, not to be pa.s.sed over in this truthful history. Past Mr. b.u.mpkin's ear something shot, in appearance like a human fist, in velocity like a thunderbolt, and unfortunately it alighted full on the nose and eye of the great Mr. Alibi, causing that gentleman to reel back into the arms of the faithful thieves around. I cannot tell from what quarter it proceeded, it was so sudden, but I saw that in the neighbourhood whence it came stood five tall hussars, and I heard a voice say:

"Now, look at that. Come on, Maister, don't let us git into no row."

Mr. b.u.mpkin, with the politeness of his nature, said:

"Good marnin', sir," and retired.

And thus thought the unfortunate prosecutor: "This 'ere country be all law, actions grows out o' actions, like that 'ere cooch that runs all over everywhere's." And then he saw the five recruits strutting along with their caps at the side of their heads, the straps across their chins, their riding-whips under their arms, and walking with such a swagger that one would have thought they had just put down a rebellion, or set up a throne.

It was some time before, in the confusion of his mind, the disappointed b.u.mpkin could realize the fact that there was any connection between him and the military. But as he looked, with half-closed eyes, suddenly the thought crossed his mind: "Why, that be like our Joe-that middle un."

And so it was: they were walking at a fastish pace, and as they strutted along Joe seemed to be marching away with the whole farm and with all the pleasures of his past life. Even Mrs. b.u.mpkin herself, in some extraordinary manner, seemed to be eloping with him. Why was it? And now, despondent, disappointed and humiliated, with his blood once more up, poor old b.u.mpkin bethought himself seriously of his position. For weeks he had been waiting for his case to "come on"; weeks more might pa.s.s idly away unless he made a stir. So he would call at the office of Mr. Prigg. And being an artful man, he had a reason for calling without further delay. It was this: his desire to see Prigg before that gentleman should hear of his defeat. Prigg would certainly blame him for not employing a solicitor, or going to the Public Prosecutor. So to Prigg's he went about three o'clock on that Thursday afternoon. I do not undertake to describe furniture, so I say nothing of Prigg's dingy office, except this, that if Prigg had been a spider, it was just the sort of corner in which I should have expected him to spin his web.

Being a man of enormous practice, and in all probability having some fifty to sixty representatives of county families to confer with, two hours elapsed before Mr. b.u.mpkin could be introduced. The place, small as it was, was filled with tin boxes bearing, no doubt, eminent names.

Horatio was busy copying drafts of marriage settlements, conveyances, and other matters of great importance. He had little time for gossip because his work seemed urgent, and although he was particularly glad to see Mr.

b.u.mpkin, yet being a lad of strict adherence to duty, he always replied courteously, but in the smallest number of words to that gentleman's questions.

"Will ur be long?" asked the client; "I don't think so," said Horatio.

Then in a whisper, asked Mr. b.u.mpkin, "How does thee think, sir, we shall get on: win, shan't us?"

Horatio just raised his face from the paper and winked, as though he were conveying a valuable secret.

"Have ur heard anythink, sir?"

Another artful wink.

"Thee know's zummat, I knows thee do."

Another artful wink.

"Thee can tell I, surely? I wunt let un goo no furder."

Horatio winked once more, and made a face at the door where the great Prigg was supposed to be.

"Ain't give in, ave ur?"

Horatio put his finger in his mouth and made a popping noise as he pulled it out.

"What the devil does thee mean, lad? there be zummat up, I'll swear."

"Hush! hush!"

"Now, look here," said b.u.mpkin, taking out his purse; "thee beest a good chap, and writ out thic brief, didn't thee? I got zummat for thee;" and hereupon he handed Horatio half-a-crown.

The youth took the money, spun it into the air, caught it in the palm of his hand, spat on it for good luck, and put it in his pocket

"I'll have a spree with that," said he, "if I never do again."

"Be careful, lad," said b.u.mpkin, "don't fool un away."

"Not I," said Horatio; "I'm on for the Argille tonight, please the pigs."

"Be thic a place o' wusship" said b.u.mpkin, laughing.

"Not exactly," answered Horatio; "it's a place where you can just do the gentleman on the cheap, shoulder it with n.o.blemen's sons, and some of the highest. Would you like to go now, just for a lark? I'm sure you'd like it."

"Not I," said the client; "this 'ere Lunnun life doan't do for I.'.'

"Yes; but this is a nice quiet sort of place."

"Gals, I spoase."

"Rather; I believe you my boy; stunners too."

"Thee be too young, it's my thinking."

"Well, that's what the Governor says; everybody says I'm too young; but I hope to mend that fault, Master b.u.mpkin, if I don't get the better of any other."

"I wish I wur as old in the 'ead; but tell I, lad, hast thee 'eard anything? Thee might just as well tell I; it wunt goo no furder."

Horatio put his finger to his nose and made a number of dumb signs, expressive of more than mere words could convey.

"Danged if I can mak' thee out," said b.u.mpkin.

"You recollect that ride we had in the gig."

"Ha, now it's coming," thought he; "I shall have un now," so he answered: "Well, it wur nice, wurn't ur?"

"Never enjoyed myself more in my life," rejoined Horatio; "what a nice morning it was!"

"Beautiful!"

"And do you recollect the rum and milk?"

Mr. b.u.mpkin remembered it.

"Well, I believe that rum and milk was the luckiest investment you ever made. Hallo! there's the bell-hush, _mither woy_!"

"Dang thee!" said b.u.mpkin, "thee's got un;" and he followed the youthful clerk into Mr. Prigg's room.

There sat that distinguished lawyer with his respectable head, in his easy chair, much worn, both himself and the chair, by constant use.

There sat the good creature ready to offer himself up on the altar of Benevolence for the good of the first comer. His collar was still unruffled, so was his temper, notwithstanding the severe strain of the county families. There was his clear complexion indicating the continued health resulting from a well-spent life. His almost angelic features were beautiful rather in the amiability of their expression than in their loveliness of form. Anyone looking at him for the first time must exclaim, "Dear me, what a _nice_ man!"

"Well, Mr. b.u.mpkin," said he, extending his left hand lazily as though it were the last effort of exhausted humanity, "how are we now?"-always identifying himself with b.u.mpkin, as though he should say "We are in the same boat, brother; come what may, we sink or swim together-how are we now?"