The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 46

"I runned arter thic feller."

"No, no; did she accuse you?"

"She might."

The learned counsel then sat down with the quickest motion imaginable, and then the policeman gave his evidence as to taking the man into custody; and produced the huge watch. Mr. b.u.mpkin was recalled and asked how long he had had it, and where he bought it; the only answers to which were that he had had it five years, and bought it of a man in the market; did not know who he was or where he came from; all which answers looked very black against Mr. b.u.mpkin. Then the policeman was asked to answer this question-yes or no. "Did he know the prisoner?" He said "No."

Mr. Nimble said to the jury, "Here was a man dressing himself up as an old man from the country (laughter) prowling about the streets of London in company with an a.s.sociate whose name he dared not mention, and who probably was well-known to the police; here was this countryman actually accused of committing an a.s.sault in the public streets on a young woman with a baby in her arms: he runs away as hard as his legs will carry him and meets a man who is actually wearing the watch that this b.u.mpkin or Pumpkin charges him with stealing. He, the learned counsel, would call witness after witness to speak to the character of his client, who was an engraver (I believe he was an engraver of bank notes); he would call witness after witness who would tell them how long they had known him, and how long he had had the watch; and, curiously enough, such curious things did sometimes almost providentially take place in a Court of Justice, he would call the very man that poor Mr. Simpleman had purchased it of five years ago, when he was almost, as you might say, in the first happy blush of boyhood (that 'blush of boyhood' went down with many of the jury who were fond of pathos); let the jury only fancy! but really would it be safe-really would it be safe, let him ask them upon their consciences, which in after life, perhaps years to come, when their heads were on their pillows, and their hands upon their hearts, (here several of the jury audibly sniffed), would those consciences upbraid, or would those consciences approve them for their work to-day? would it be safe to convict after the exhibition the prosecutor had made of himself in that box, where, he ventured to say, b.u.mpkin stood self-condemned before that intelligent jury."

Here the intelligent jury turned towards one another, and after a moment or two announced, through their foreman (who was a general-dealer in old metal, in a dark street over the water), that if they heard a witness or two to the young man's character that would be enough for them.

Witnesses, therefore, were called to character, and the young man was promptly acquitted, the jury appending to their verdict that he left the Court without a stain upon his character.

"Bean't I 'lowed to call witnesses to charickter?" asks the Prosecutor.

"Oh, no," replied Mr. Nimble; "we know your character pretty well."

"What's that?" inquired the Judge.

"He wants to know, my lord," says Mr. Nimble, laughing, "if he may call witnesses to character!"

"Oh dear, no," says the Judge; "you were not being tried."

Now many persons might have been of a different opinion from his lordship on this point. Snooks for one, I think; for he gave a great loud vulgar haw! haw! haw! and said, "I could ha' gien him a charakter."

"Si-lence!" said the Usher.

"May the prisoner have his watch, my lord?" asks Mr. Nimble.

"O, yes," said his lordship, "to be sure. Give the prisoner his watch."

"_His_ watch," groaned a voice.

CHAPTER x.x.x.

Mr. Alibi is stricken with a thunderbolt-interview with Horatio and Mr.

Prigg.

The "round square," as the facetious Don called the new style of putting the round judicial pegs into the square judicial holes, had indeed been applied with great effect on this occasion; for I perceived that Mr.

Alibi, remarkable man, was not only engaged on the part of the Crown to prosecute, but also on that of the prisoner to defend. And this fact came to my knowledge in the manner following:

When Mr. b.u.mpkin got into the lower part of that magnificent pile of buildings which we have agreed to call the Heart of Civilisation, he soon became the centre of a dirty mob of undersized beings who were anxious to obtain a sight of him; and many of whom were waiting to congratulate their friend, the engraver. Amidst the crowd was Mr. Alibi. That gentleman had no intention of meeting Mr. b.u.mpkin any more, for certain expenses were due to him as a witness, and it had long been a custom at the Old Bailey, that if the representative of the Crown did not see the witnesses the expenses due to them would fall into the Consolidated Fund, so that it was a clear gain to the State if its representative officers did not meet the witnesses. On this occasion, however, Mr. Alibi ran against his client accidentally, and being a courteous gentleman, could not forbear condoling with him on the unsuccessful termination of his case.

"You, see," began Mr. Alibi, "I was instructed so late-really, the wonder is, when gentlemen don't employ a solicitor till the last moment, how we ever lay hold of the facts at all. Now look at your case, sir. Yes, yes, I'm coming-bother my clerks, how they worry-I'll be there directly."

"But thic feller," said Mr. b.u.mpkin, "who had my case din't know nowt about it. I could ha' done un better mysel."

"Ah, sir; so we are all apt to think. He's a most clever man, that-a very rising man, sir."

"Be he?" said b.u.mpkin.

"Why, do you know, sir," continued Mr. Alibi, "he was very great at his University."

"That bean't everything, though, by a long way."

"No, sir, granted, granted. But he was Number Four in his boat; and the papers all said his feathering was beautiful."

"A good boatman, wur he?"

"Magnificent, sir; magnificent!"

"Then he'd better keep a ferry; bean't no good at law."

"Ah! I am afraid you are a little prejudiced. He's a very learned man."

"I wish he'd larned to open his mouth. Why, I got a duck can quack a devilish sight better un thic feller can talk."

"Ha, how d'ye do, Mr. Swindle?" said a shabby-looking gentleman, who came up at this moment.

"Excuse me, sir; but you have the advantage of me," said Alibi, winking.

"Dear me, how very strange, I thought you were Mr. Wideawake's representative."

"Ah!" said Mr. Alibi, laughing, "we are often taken for brothers-and yet, would you believe me, there is no relationship."

"No?" said the gentleman.

"None, whatever. I think you'll find him in the Second Court, if not, he'll be there in a short time. I saw him only just now."

That is how I learned that Mr. Alibi represented the Crown and Mr.

Deadandgone for the prosecutor; also the prisoner, and Mr. Wideawake for the defence. Clever man!

"Now," said Mr. b.u.mpkin, "Can't un get a new trial?"

"I fear not," said Alibi; "but I should not be in the least surprised if that Wideawake, who represented the prisoner, brought an action against you for false imprisonment and malicious prosecution."

"What, thic thief?"

"Ah, sir-law is a very deep pit-it's depth is not to be measured by any moral plummet."

"Doan't 'zacly zee't."

"Well, it's this," said Mr. Alibi. "Whether you're right or whether you're wrong, if he brings an action you must defend it-it's not your being in the right will save you."