The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 4

"After the case has gone on up to being ready for trial, and the Judges find that it is a case more fitting to be tried in the Common Law Courts, then an order is made transferring it, that is, sending it out of Chancery to be tried by one of the other Judges."

"Can't see un," said b.u.mpkin, "I beant much of a scollard, but I tak it thee knows best."

Mr. Prigg smiled: a beneficent, sympathizing smile.

"I dare say," he said, "it looks a little mysterious, but we lawyers understand it; so, if you don't mind, I shall bring it in the Chancery Division in the first instance; and nice and wild the other side will be.

I fancy I see the countenance of Snooks' lawyer."

This was a good argument, and perfectly satisfactory to the unsophisticated mind of b.u.mpkin.

"And when," he asked, "will ur come on, think'ee?"

"O, in due time; everything is done very quickly now-not like it used to be-you'd be surprised, we used to have to wait years-yes, years, sir, before an action could be tried; and now, why bless my soul, you get judgment before you know where you are."

How true this turned out to be may hereafter appear; but in a dream you never antic.i.p.ate.

"I shall write at once," said "Honest Prigg," "for compensation and an apology; I think I would have an apology."

"Make un pay-I doant so much keer for the t'other thing; that beant much quonsequence."

"Quite so-quite so." And with this observation Mr. Prigg escorted his client to the door.

CHAPTER V.

In which it appears that the sting of slander is not always in the head.

Mr. Prigg lost no time in addressing a letter to the ill-advised Josiah Snooks with the familiar and affectionate commencement of "Dear Sir,'"

asking for compensation for the "gross outrage" he had committed upon "his client;" and an apology to be printed in such papers as he, the client, should select.

The "Dear Sir" replied, not in writing, for he was too artful for that, but by returning, as became his vulgar nature, Mr. Prigg's letter in a very torn and disgusting condition.

To a gentleman of cultivated mind and sensitive nature, this was intolerable; and Mr. Prigg knew that even the golden bridge of compromise was now destroyed. He no longer felt as a mere lawyer, anxious in the interests of his client, which was a sufficient number of horse-power for anything, but like an outraged and insulted gentleman, which was more after the force of hydraulic pressure than any calculable amount of horse-power. It was clear to his upright and sensitive mind that Snooks was a low creature. Consequently all professional courtesies were at an end: the writ was issued and duly served upon the uncompromising Snooks.

Now a writ is not a matter to grin at and to treat with contempt or levity. Mr. Snooks could not return that doc.u.ment to Mr. Prigg, so he had to consider. And first he consulted his wife: this consultation led to a domestic brawl and then to his kicking one of his horses in the stomach. Then he threw a shovel at his dog, and next the thought occurred to him that he had better go and see Mr. Locust. This gentleman was a solicitor who practised at petty sessions. He did not practise much, but that was, perhaps, his misfortune rather than his fault. He was a small, fiery haired man, with a close cut tuft of beard; small eyes, and a pimply nose, which showed an ostentatious disdain for everything beneath it.

Mr. Locust was not at home, but would return about nine. At nine, therefore, the impatient Snooks appeared.

"Yes," said Mr. Locust, as he looked at the writ, "I see this writ is issued by Mr. Prigg."

"Yes, sir."

"Did he not write to you before issuing it?-dear me, this is very sharp practice-very sharp practice: the sharpest thing I ever heard of in all my life."

"Wull, he did write, but I giv un as good as he sent."

"Dear me!" exclaimed Mr. Locust; "I am afraid you have committed yourself."

"No I beant, sir," said the cunning Snooks, with a grin, "no I beant."

"You should never write without consulting a solicitor-bear that in mind, Mr. Snooks; it will be an invaluable lesson-hem!"

"I never writ, sir-I ony sent un his letter back."

"Ah!" said Locust, "come now, that is better; but still you should have consulted me. I see this claim is for three hundred and fifty pounds-it's for trespa.s.s. Now sit down quietly and calmly, and tell me the facts." And then he took pen and paper and placed himself in position to take his retainer and instructions.

"Wull, sir, it is as this: a Sunday mornin-no, a Sunday mornin week-I won't tell no lie if I knows it-a Sunday mornin week-"

"Sunday morning week," writes Locust.

"I buyd a pig off this ere man for nine and six: well, o' the Monday mornin I goes with my barrer and a sack and I fetches the pig and gies the money to his man Joe Wurzel; leastways I puts it on the poast and he takes it up. Then out comes b.u.mpkin and swears I never bought un at all, gets in a rage and hits the bag wi' a stick-"

"Now stop," said the Lawyer; "are you quite sure he did not strike _you_?

That's the point."

"Well, sir, he would a' done if I adn't a bobbed."

"Good: that's an a.s.sault in law. You are sure he would have struck you if you hadn't ducked or bobbed your head?"

"In course it would, else why should I bob?"

"Just so-just so. Now then, we've got him there-we've got him nicely."

Snooks' eyes gleamed.

"Next I want to know: I suppose you didn't owe him anything?"

"No, nor no other man," said Snooks, with an air of triumph. "I worked hard for what I got, and no man can't ax me for a farden. I allays paid twenty shillings in the pound."

The reader will observe how virtuous both parties were on this point.

"So!" said Locust. "Now you haven't told me all that took place."

"That be about all, sir."

"Yes, yes; but I suppose there was something said between you-did you have any words-was he angry-did he call you any names or say anything in an angry way?"

"Well, not partickler-"

"Not particular: I will judge of that. Just tell me what was said."

"When, sir?"

"Well, begin on the Sunday morning. What was first said?"

Then Snooks told the Solicitor all that took place, with sundry additions which his imagination supplied when his memory failed.