The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 3

"Wull, fust and foremust, I knows he lent a party a matter of a hundred pound, for I witnessed un."

"Then he hasn't got that," said the lawyer.

"Yes ur ave, sir, or how so be as good; for it wur a morgage like, and since then he've got the house."

Mr. Prigg made a note, and asked where the house was.

"It be widder Jackson's."

"Indeed; very well."

"An then there be the bisness."

"Exactly," said the lawyer, "horses and carts, weighing machines, and so on?"

"And the house he live in," said b.u.mpkin, "I know as ow that longs to him."

"Very well; I think that will be enough to start with." Now, Mr. Prigg knew pretty well the position of the respective parties himself; so it was not so much for his own information that he made these inquiries as to infuse into b.u.mpkin's mind a notion of the importance of the case.

"Now," said he, throwing down the pen, "this is a very serious matter, Mr. b.u.mpkin."

This was a comfort, and b.u.mpkin looked agreeably surprised and vastly important.

"A very serious case," and again the tips of the fingers were brought in contact.

"I spoase we can't bring un afore jusseses, sir?"

"Well, you see the criminal law is dangerous; you can't get damages, and you may get an action for malicious prosecution."

"I think we ought to mak un pay for 't."

"That is precisely my own view, but I am totally at a loss to understand the reason of such outrageous conduct on the part of this Snooks. Now don't be offended, Mr. b.u.mpkin, if I put a question to you. You know, we lawyers like to search to the bottom of things. I can understand, if you had owed him any money-"

"Owe un money!" exclaimed b.u.mpkin contemptuously; "why I could buy un out and out."

"Ah, quite so, quite so; so I should have supposed from what I know of you, Mr. b.u.mpkin."

"Lookee ere, sir," said the farmer; "I bin a ard workin man all my life, paid my way, twenty shillins in the pound, and doant owe a penny as fur as I knows."

"And if you did, Mr. b.u.mpkin," said the lawyer with a good-natured laugh, "I dare say you could pay."

"Wull, I bleeve there's no man can axe me for nothing; and thank G.o.d, what I've got's my own; and there aint many as got pootier stock nor mine-all good bred uns, Mr. Prigg."

"Yes, I've often heard your cattle praised."

"He be a blagard if ur says I owed un money."

"O, dear, Mr. b.u.mpkin, pray don't misunderstand me; he did not, that I am aware, allege that he took the pig because you owed him money; and even if you did, he could not legally have done so. Now this is not a mere matter of debt; it's a very serious case of trespa.s.s."

"Ay; zo 't be sir; that was my bleef, might jist as wull a tooked baacon out o' baacon loft."

"Just the same. Quite so-quite so!"

"And I want thee, Mr. Prigg, to mak un pay for't-mak un pay, sir; it beant so much th' pig."

"Quite so: quite so: that were a very trifling affair, and might be settled in the County Court; but, in fact, it's not the pig at all, it's trespa.s.s, and you want to make him answerable in damages."

"That's it, sir; you've got un."

"I suppose an apology and a return of the pig would not be enough."

"I'll make un know he beant everybody," said b.u.mpkin.

"Quite so; now what shall we lay the damages at?"

"Wull, sir, as for that, I doant rightly know; if so be he'd pay down, that's one thing, but it's my bleef as you might jist as wull try to dror blood out of a stoane as git thic feller to do what's right."

"Shall we say a hundred pounds and costs?"

Never did man look more astonished than b.u.mpkin. A hundred pounds! What a capital thing going to law must be! But, as the reader knows, he was a remarkably discreet man, and never in the course of his dealing committed himself till the final moment. Whenever anybody made him a "bid," he invariably met the offer with one form of refusal. "Nay, nay; it beant good enough: I bin offered moore." And this had answered so well, that it came natural to b.u.mpkin to refuse on all occasions the first offer.

It was not to be wondered at then that the question should be regarded in the light of an offer from Snooks himself. Now he could hardly say "I bin _bid moore_ money," because the case wasn't in the market; but he could and did say the next best thing to it, namely:-

"I wunt let un goo for that-'t be wuth moore!"

"Very well," observed Prigg; "so long as we know: we can lay our damages at what we please."

Now there was great consolation in that. The plaintiff paused and rubbed his chin. "What do thee think, sir?"

"I think if he pays something handsome, and gives us an apology, and pays the costs, I should advise you to take it."

"As you please, sir; I leaves it to you; I beant a hard man, I hope."

"Very good; we will see what can be done. I shall bring this action in the Chancery Division."

"Hem! I've eerd tell, sir, that if ever a case gets into that ere Coourt he niver comes out agin."

"O, that's all nonsense; there used to be a good deal of truth in that; but the procedure is now so altered that you can do pretty much what you like: this is an age of despatch; you bring your action, and your writ is almost like a cheque payable on demand!"

"Wull, I beant no lawyer, never had nothing to do wi un in my life; but I should like to axe, sir, why thee'll bring this ere case in Chancery?"

"Good; well, come now, I like to be frank; we shall get more costs?"

Mr. b.u.mpkin again rubbed his chin. "And do I get em?" he asked.

"Well, they go towards expenses; the other side always pays."

This was a stroke of reasoning not to be gainsaid. But Mr. Prigg had a further observation to make on the subject, and it was this: