The Handbook of Conundrums Part 26

What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as when burned, they are ashes still.

If a tree were to break the panes of a window, what would they say?

Tree, mend us (tremendous).

When is a charade like a fir-tree? When you get a deal bored from its length.

Why is a jeweler like a screeching singer? Because he pierces the ears.

Why is an old man's head like a song executed by an indifferent singer? Because it is often terribly bawled (bald).

Why is a piano like an onion? Because it's mell-odious (melodious).

What sort of medicine is most like a sick monkey? A pill (ape-ill).

When is a girl like a mirror? When she's a good-looking (g)la.s.s.

What is the difference between some women and their looking-gla.s.ses?

They talk without reflecting, and the mirrors reflect without talking.

What is the best way to prevent water coming into your house? Do not pay your water rates.

What do ladies look for when they go to church? The hymns (hims).

When may a man's coat-pocket be empty and yet have something in it?

When it has a hole in it.

What is the difference between a sweep and a man in mourning? One is blacked with soot, and the other is suited with black.

What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments?

The former are dead men, the latter are mended (men dead).

Why does a salmon die before it lives? Because its existence is ova before it comes to life.

When is a schoolboy like a postage stamp? When he is licked and put in the corner to make him stick to his letters.

What is the difference between an engine-driver and a schoolmaster?

One minds the train, the other trains the mind.

When is a member of Congress ferocious? When he inserts his claws (clause) into the Bill of another member.

What is the best description of "rapid consumption"? Bolting one's food.

Why does a fox-hound wag his tail? Because he is stronger than his tail, otherwise his tail would wag him.

Why is a gooseberry tart like a bad coin? Because it's not currant (current).

When is a blow from a lady welcome? When she strikes you agreeably.

When you give a lady a lock of your hair, what else does she receive from you at the same time? A key to your feelings.

Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive engine? Because she sends off the sparks, transports the mails, has a train following her, and pa.s.ses over the plain.

What part of speech is kissing? A conjunction.

Why are there more marriages in winter than in summer? Because the men seek comforters, and the ladies seek m.u.f.fs.

How do the young ladies show their dislike of mustaches? By setting their faces against them.

Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because you seldom find one who can decline Matrimony.

Where is it that all women are equally beautiful? In the dark.

Why do girls like looking at the moon? Because there's a man in it.

Why is a prosy preacher like the middle of a wheel? Because the felloes around it are tired.

Why is the rudder of a steamboat like a hangman? It has a stern duty to perform.

What is the difference between a cat and a doc.u.ment? One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other has pauses at the end of its clauses.

What two beaus can every lady have near at hand? El-bows.

When is a man like a cannon-ball? When he looks round.

When does the House of Representatives present one of the most ludicrous spectacles? When its ayes (eyes) are on one side, and its noes (nose) on the other.

What three acts comprise the chief business of some women's lives?

Attr-act, contr-act, detr-act.

Why does a donkey eat a thistle? Because he's an a.s.s.

What is the difference between a donkey and a postage stamp? One you lick with a stick, the other you stick with a lick.

Why shouldn't you go to church if you have a cough? Because you will be sure to disturb the _rest_ of the congregation.

When is it dangerous to enter a church? When there is a canon in the reading desk, a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the congregation.

When is a rushlight like a tombstone? When it is put up for a _late_ husband.

Why are women like churches? Because there is no living without one; because there is many a-spire to them; and because they are objects of adoration.

Why is your thumb, when putting on a glove, like eternity? Because it's ever-last-in' (everlasting).

Why are kisses like creation? They are made of nothing, yet are very good.

Why is a ragged beggar like a clergyman near the end of his sermon?

He's tor'd his clothes.