The Handbook of Conundrums Part 20

What is the difference between a new sponge and a fashionable man? If you well wet one it makes it swell, but if you well wet the other it takes all the swell out of him.

If I were to see you riding on a donkey, what fruit should I be reminded of? A pair (pear).

Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late and destroy patience (mutilate and destroy patients).

When may you be said literally to "drink in" music? When you have a piano for-tea (forte).

What is the difference between a professional pianoforte player, and the one who hears him? One plays for his pay, the other pays for his play.

Why is a thief like a bolus given to a lady? Because he's a pilferer (pill for her).

Why is a dead doctor like a dead duck? Because they have both done quacking.

Why is a commercial traveler whose "walk in life" is selling eggs, certain to be successful? Because he shows a good egg-sample from egg-sell-ent motives (example from excellent motives).

Why is an egg overdone like an egg underdone? Because it's hardly done.

What is most like a hen stealing? Why, a c.o.c.k-robin.

Why have chickens no fear of a future state? Because they have their next world in this (necks twirled).

By what female name would an egg object to be called? Addle-laid (Adelaide).

Why ought c.o.c.ks to be the smoothest birds known? Because they always have a comb about them.

Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing.

What is the difference between the earth and the sea? One is dirty, the other tidy.

Why is geology considered a deep science? Because it penetrates deep into the earth.

Why was our last question like a young lady sitting on theological works? Because it was virgin on something serious.

When you see a lady in distress, what should you pull up, and what bury? You should pluck up courage and inter-fear (interfere) in her behalf.

What is the difference between a good and a bad governess? One teaches Miss, the other misteaches.

When may a man be said to be literally immersed in his business? When giving a swimming lesson.

What prevents a running river running right away? It is tied up.

What sort of a cold is necessary to insure your getting on well at Court? Influence-sir.

Why is a man taking a hedge at a single bound like one snoring?

Because he does it in his-leap (his sleep).

Why are ladies like hinges? Because they are things to a door (adore).

What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers?

The doorknocker.

Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood? Because it is always wood (would)--or should be.

Why is a new-born baby like a storm? Because it begins with a squall.

When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy for a pupil.

How do angry women prove themselves strong nerved? They exhibit their "presents of mind" by giving you a bit of it.

What soup would cannibals prefer? The broth of a boy.

What is the only form in this world which all nations, barbarous and civilized and otherwise, are agreed upon following? The female form.

Why is a comet more like a dog than the dog-star? Because it has a tail and the dog-star hasn't.

Why is a watch-dog bigger by night than in the morning? Because he is let out at night and taken in in the morning.

Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager? Because he makes both ends meet.

When is a black dog not a black dog? When he is a grey-hound.

Why should you always choose white cows? Because it is no use milking those that are dun before you begin.

Why are two watches given as prizes like a happy married couple?

Because though they are two, yet are they one (won).

Why is a human being like an earthen jug? Because both are made of clay.

Why is a man with corns on his feet like a certain favorite vegetable? Because he is a toe-martyr (tomato).

Why is a bald head like heaven? Because there is no parting or dyeing there.

Why is the meeting of lovers like a battle? Because there is an arm-y presentation.

Why is a young man who seldom attends church, sitting in the pulpit of a leaky church in a rain storm, like one who constantly attends church? Because he is sitting under the droppings of the sanctuary.

If a general should ask in vain for martial music, what word would embody his request? Conundrum (can none drum?).

Why is a fancy dancer like an old-fashioned country woman? Because she reels and spins.

In what constellation are the two shooting dogs which never go down?

In Ursa Major, the pointers; they never go down because they are not setters.

What bird made the Yankee dish, bird's-nest pudding, and for what other bird was it made? Why, it was the cook who (cuckoo) made it, and for the swallow, of course.

Why are some ministers worse than Brigham Young? Because they have married more women than they can support, and would like to marry more.

In what respect does an attorney resemble a clergyman? He studies the law and profits (prophets).