The Ghost Breaker: A Melodramatic Farce in Four Acts Part 7

PRINCESS. Why, yes, why not? Carlos would believe almost anything of you Americans.

JARVIS. (_Whimsically_) And you will tell him you have made me a--er--what is it? A va.s.sal?

PRINCESS. (_Almost shyly_) I think not--not just yet.

JARVIS. By the way, your--er--just how should a perfectly good va.s.sal address his Princess?

PRINCESS. (_Hesitatingly_) Highness--is correct.

JARVIS. Highness--tell me, your Highness, a va.s.sal doesn't amount to much, does he? I thought he was a piker.

PRINCESS. (_Mystified_) A piker--a man who carries a pike?

JARVIS. (_Trying to explain_) No, no--a piker is a tin horn.

PRINCESS. Tin horn?

JARVIS. Well, a sort of p.a.w.n in this game of chess--along with your kings and queens and castles and things. (_Seriously, yet playfully_) Could a good, hard-working, reliable va.s.sal work his way up to be a Duke or a Lord, or something like that?

PRINCESS. (_Almost playing with him_) You're an ambitious va.s.sal, aren't you? I'm afraid you wouldn't be content with being anything less than a king.

JARVIS. (_Meaningly_) A king--a prince--or a bandit.

PRINCESS. A bandit? And why a bandit?

JARVIS. A king might command--a prince request--a bandit seize.

PRINCESS. Seize what?

JARVIS. (_Daringly_) That which a mere va.s.sal can only admire. (_Knock at door. Both brought back to earth._)

PRINCESS. There he is now.

JARVIS. Hooray!

PRINCESS. What shall I call you?

JARVIS. (_Whispering_) Oh, any old thing--Warren, Mr. Warren. (_Pause._ PRINCESS _crosses to door, hesitates a moment, then opens it._)

PRINCESS. Come in.

(_Enter_ DUKE. _Stops at sight of_ JARVIS.)

DUKE. Oh, I'm intruding. (_Spoken as though he expected_ JARVIS _to go._)

PRINCESS. Allow me to present Mr. Warren, whom I am bringing from America to solve the mystery of the castle. My cousin, Duke D'Alva.

(_She crosses_ L.)

JARVIS. (_Cross to_ DUKE--_easily_) Glad to know You. (PRINCESS _back_ R.)

DUKE. (_Patronizingly_) I am honored. Interesting task you have undertaken. May I ask if that is your regular profession?

JARVIS. That is my business, solving mysteries, looking up the family skeleton, hunting out spooks. What we call in America a Ghost Breaker!

DUKE. Ghost Breaker? A strange calling. I indeed never heard of anything more extraordinary.

JARVIS. It is not surprising, your Excellency. We are living in an age of specialists--and like every other profession, this calls for its own peculiar training.

PRINCESS. (_Interrupting_) I am so glad you are here, cousin--you will be able to tell Mr. Warren, so much better than I, all the circ.u.mstances.

DUKE. I'll be delighted to throw any light I can on the mystery, but first tell me--(_To_ PRINCESS)--why did you leave your brother to come to America?

PRINCESS. (_Takes locket from reticule_) This little locket is what brought me to America.

DUKE. (_Crosses to her, holding out hand to take it_) May I see it?

PRINCESS. (_Takes out memo._) No, Carlos, you may see the locket--no one must see the memorandum.

DUKE. Memorandum?

PRINCESS. Yes.

JARVIS. (_Seated on trunk--to_ DUKE) A wise precaution.

DUKE. (_Picking up locket_) Curious old piece of work--and you came all the way to America for this?

PRINCESS. Yes.

DUKE. You were very fortunate to find it so soon. (_Cross_ R.)

PRINCESS. I knew where to go to find it--and yet I was nearly too late.

Think of it, after that dear old locket had lain in an antique shop for ten years, suddenly in one day there came two inquiries for it. (JARVIS _sits looking at_ CARLOS.) Mine was the second. A distinguished-looking gentleman had been there in the morning, described it roughly to the old man and got him to hunt for it. He had just found it when I came in. I doubled the distinguished-looking gentleman's offer and got it.

(_Another look at_ DUKE.) Who do you suppose wanted that locket, Carlos?

DUKE. (R._, being cornered and with effort to throw it off lightly_) I see that it has already occurred to you that I am the distinguished-looking gentleman whose offer you doubled.

PRINCESS. (_With curiosity_) But how did you learn about the memorandum, Carlos? (JARVIS _sits on trunk._)

DUKE. I didn't, Cousin. I had not the slightest suspicion that the locket contained the supposed secret. I was merely following my pet hobby, trying to recover some of those precious heirlooms which have been scattered to the four winds. (_Quickly_) You would be surprised, Mr. Warren, to see the collection I have already rescued and which some day may be yours, Maria.

JARVIS. (_Breaking in impatiently_) Well, so much for the treasure. Now let's hear about the ghost. What's your opinion of this, your Excellency? Do you put any stock in ghosts?

DUKE. Yes, Mr. Warren, I am convinced there are such things.

JARVIS. You believe that this castle is haunted?

DUKE. I know it.

JARVIS. You think this ghost is dangerous to encounter--that it is the cause of the deaths and disappearances in the castle?