The Funny Philosophers Part 17

"Military glory is getting into the mind of the other young gentleman, I think," said the Professor. "He seems to be half a head taller than he was a moment ago, and his foot comes down with a determination that indicates no benevolent intentions towards Santa Anna and his myrmidons.

But, look! yonder comes our three pretty little men."

Love now pa.s.sed them, followed by Dove and Bliss, each escorting a very beautiful young lady. Love seemed to be supremely happy, and in terms of rapture was directing the attention of the smiling beauty to the magnificent sunset.

"Yon sun that sets upon the sea We follow in his flight; Farewell, awhile, to him and thee----

Ugh! ugh! ugh!" exclaimed Love; and the lady loudly shrieked as he was lifted from his feet and rudely carried away from her side.

A mischievous dog had a.s.saulted an aged sow of monstrous proportions, which was quietly rooting in the street, and the affrighted porker frantically rushed between the legs of the beau and galloped off with him on her back. Love was half paralyzed with terror. He fell forward on the back of the sow and convulsively grasped her by the ears. The ladies fled screaming toward the hotel, while Dove and Bliss stood petrified with astonishment. Toney, Tom, and the Professor ran at full speed after Love, who was rapidly galloping away on the back of his courser. The dog, delighted with the sport, kept pinching the hams of the sow, and in the hope of escaping from her ruthless tormentor, she diverged from the main avenue and ran across a common to a pond of mud and water. Into the pond plunged the sow with the unfortunate beau on her back, scattering a flock of ducks, that with loud quacks fluttered up the banks, where stood the dog barking and bobbing his head in the full enjoyment of the fun.

In a few moments groups of men and boys were a.s.sembled on the margin of the pond. Love sat on the back of the sow bespattered with mud, and still tenaciously holding on by her long, pendant ears. Suddenly a voice was heard, apparently issuing from the mouth of the porker, and exclaiming, "Let go my ears!"

"Golly! did you hear that?" exclaimed Caesar, with his eyes dilating in amazement.

"The hog's talking," said Hannibal.

"That beats Balaam's a.s.s!" said Tom Seddon.

"Get off my back!" shrieked the sow, and Love, in the utmost terror, rolled off into the mud. The sow slowly waded towards the bank and gazed up at the dog with a look of indignation. Her canine persecutor was put to flight by a stone hurled from the hand of Hannibal, when she ascended the bank, and, shaking the mud from her sides, with a grunt trotted off, and was soon seen industriously digging with her nose in a sward of clover.

"Jehosophat! that hog talked," said Hannibal.

"Nonsense!" said Toney.

"'Deed, Ma.s.sa Belton, that old sow talked. I heerd her talkin' myself,"

said Caesar.

"The devil's in the swine," said Seddon.

"I b'lieves that old sow's the debbil," said Hannibal.

"Pshaw!" said Toney, "it was some boy you heard talking. Do you suppose that the hogs in this town have the gift of gab? Here, help Mr. Love out of the pond."

The unfortunate beau sat helplessly in the midst of the mud and water, and was turning his eyes imploringly towards Dove and Bliss, who stood on the bank.

"Wade in and help him out," said Toney to the negroes.

Caesar and Hannibal both shook their heads.

"Here, take this," said Toney, handing each a silver coin. "Now, wade in."

Caesar and Hannibal commenced slowly rolling up the legs of their trousers until they had gathered them in bundles above their knees. They then with much deliberation waded to the middle of the pond, and each taking Love by an arm, lifted him up, and bringing him ash.o.r.e, laid him down on the bank.

"Get that wheelbarrow," said Toney, pointing to a vehicle of the sort which had been left on the common.

Caesar brought the barrow, and Hannibal lifted Love up and deposited him in the bottom of the vehicle, and, followed by a procession of people, carried the luckless beau back to the hotel.

"Take him to the bath-house," said the landlord.

The negroes obeyed orders, and left Love in the care of Dove and Bliss.

"That hog talked," said Caesar.

"Sartingly!" said Hannibal. "Golly! who ever heerd a hog talk afore dat?"

"Those African gentlemen are fully persuaded that the sow spoke," said Seddon to the Professor.

"It may be so," said the Professor. "She was under the influence of Love, and that has been known to produce miraculous results."

In the mean while, Wiggins and the lovely Claribel, in utter ignorance of the melancholy catastrophe just related, had continued their walk until they entered a delightful grove on the outskirts of the town. Here was a beautiful fountain and rustic bench, around which hung a canopy of cl.u.s.tering vines. Claribel was about to seat herself on the bench when a hideous head was thrust out from among the vines. The lady uttered a faint scream and swooned in terror. Wiggins was dreadfully startled, and drawing back a cane with a leaden bullet enveloped in gutta-percha on its end, dealt a blow on the head of the apparition which would have cracked the skull of an ox. The monster fell back dead in the bushes.

Wiggins now turned his attention to his fair companion. She was unconscious. He lifted her up, and, with the lovely Claribel in his arms, seated himself on the rustic bench. Her head rested against his bosom, and Wiggins bent down until his mouth accidentally came in contact with her ruby lips. It was an accident, and Wiggins did not intend to commit a trespa.s.s, but he could not help it. Wiggins kissed Claribel on her delicious little mouth. Now, who ever kissed a lovely young lady once without wanting to kiss her again? Wiggins kissed her again, and then several times in rapid succession. Just then Harry Vincent and Clarence Hastings, unperceived by Wiggins, entered the grove. They stood still in astonishment. An expression of horror was depicted on the countenance of Clarence. For a moment he stood as if rooted to the earth. Then pulling Harry by the arm, he said, in a hoa.r.s.e whisper, "Come!" The young men walked on in silence for about five minutes, when Clarence said, "Harry, I will go with you to the Mexican war."

CHAPTER XVI.

On the morning after the events related in the preceding chapter, the ladies at the hotel could talk of nothing but Love. Love seemed to occupy all their thoughts, and at breakfast many a pair of beautiful eyes were directed towards the door of the saloon each time it opened, in eager expectation of his appearance. But he did not appear, and many young damsels retired from the table sadly disappointed by his invisibility. At about ten o'clock in the morning a rumor became prevalent that Love was about to appear, and many a pretty face might be seen peeping from a half-opened door, evidently for the purpose of getting a glimpse of the Dainty Adorer when he came forth. Soon the heavy tramp of feet was heard in the corridor, as Scipio, Caesar, and Hannibal marched along carrying trunks with the names of Love, Dove, and Bliss in large letters on their lids. The Dainty Adorer now came form with the n.o.ble Nonent.i.ty on his right and the Winsome Wooer on his left.

The three little men had their arms locked, and were followed by Wiggins and M. T. Pate, who seemed to be exceedingly sad. As the melancholy procession descended the stairway, from numerous doors opening into the corridor issued lovely young ladies, who hurried to the upper landing, where was soon a.s.sembled a galaxy of beauty gazing after Love, Dove, and Bliss, who were taking their departure. As the daintily-dressed little beaus went forth into the street, the bevy of beauties descended the stairway and a.s.sembled on the veranda, where they continued to gaze down the avenue until Hannibal, who led the advance, turned a corner, and then, in a moment, Love, Dove, and Bliss were hidden from their view.

One might have imagined that the departure of Bliss would have produced a feeling of melancholy among the beauties who had been deserted; but such was not the case. Peals of laughter were heard, and, regardless of the flight of Dove and the departure of Bliss, the young ladies talked merrily of Love during the entire day.

Toney, Tom, and the Professor were at the railway and witnessed the departure of Love, Dove, and Bliss with manifest regret. They turned away and walked for some moments in profound silence, when Seddon exclaimed,--

"Yonder comes Captain Bragg!"

The cosmopolite approached them at a hurried pace, and apparently in much excitement. He was introduced to the Professor, and then Toney inquired about the condition of his health.

"I am physically well, Mr. Belton," said Bragg, "but am mentally afflicted."

"Indeed!" said Toney. "I trust that there has been no serious cause for this disturbance of your usual equanimity."

"I have met with a great, I fear an irreparable, loss," said Bragg.

"A ship foundered at sea without any insurance on her?" inquired the Professor.

"My monkey," said Bragg.

"Alas!" exclaimed Tom Seddon in pathetic tones, "is the monkey no more?"

"Is he dead?" said Toney, apparently in great anxiety to learn its fate.

"I know not," said Bragg. "He is missing. I have searched for him in vain."

"He may have run away and escaped over Mason and Dixon's line," said the Professor. "Could you not reclaim him under the fugitive slave law?"

"That monkey would never have run away, Mr. Tickle. I have fed him and protected him, and he could never have been guilty of such gross folly and base ingrat.i.tude."