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Matches are made in heaven--they don't need 'em in the other place.
REPORT TO THE SECRETARY OF WAR _on the Russo-j.a.panese War by Gen. Buzfuz, U. S. A._
The war was contrary to all rules of warfare adopted by civilized nations because:
1. It was not started by a newspaper.
2. The scene of operations was not laid near a fashionable resort.
3. Photographers and correspondents were not allowed to inspect the officers' wardrobes.
4. There was no San Juan Hill.
5. The officers gave no afternoon teas, dinners, or b.a.l.l.s.
6. The officers looked after their commands instead of writing magazine articles.
7. The soldiers were fed real food.
8. Thousands upon thousands of soldiers were killed.
9. The ships sunk in the naval battle were sunk in deep water.
10. No great scandal arose from the purchase of food, clothing, or ammunition.
11. No newspaper or magazine controversy has been started over who won the battles.
[Sidenote: _Political Note_: Politicians are bought, not made.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons too serious to take a joke should take a vacation.]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Don't see the freckles. Look pleasant please.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1886) Dumb piano invented by Virgil.
Rejoicing in Harlem.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1547) Silk stockings first worn by Henry II of France. Rainy days become popular.
FRIDAY The woman who wears a short bathing skirt is not necessarily immodest. She may be the wife of a popular magazine editor and cultivate exposure because she has caught the habit.
--Supton Eclair.
AUGUST
No successful business man ever spends his own money.
USEFUL FARM HINTS
Take good care of the farm tools. A crow-bar, if carefully housed when not in use, may, at a hundred years of age be just as pry as ever.
The man who sells six onions for a nickel cannot thrive, For all can see that no one ought to give six scents for five.
In delivering a chair to the repairman to bottom he should be made to give a re-seat for it.
Feed the pigs well. A pig resembles a tree in one respect.
It is by his root that he survives.
Farmers should encourage song birds to nest about the premises, but the lay of the hen must still bring them the most substantial delight.
It is when the farmer sees his fine crop maturing that he feels like singing, "In this wheat by and by."
In working about a mule that kicks, it should be remembered that his head-quarters are not his real business end.
[Sidenote: _Advice on Care of Your Rubber Plant_: A Turkish Bath Factory needs constant attention to make it pay.]
[Ill.u.s.tration]
