The Fine Lady's Airs (1709) Part 6

_Enter Mrs_. Lovejoy.

Mrs. _Lov_. Here do I follow and caress my Lady, in hopes to steal a Spark 'mongst her Admirers; I have five hundred Pounds in the fourteen _per Cent_, a Gentlewoman's Fortune in past Ages, but now 'twon't buy a Haberdasher of small Ware. Sir _Harry_ offers me a genteel Settlement; Time was, when a kept Madam elbow'd the whole Drawing-Room; but now we have a virtuous Court agen, a Lord's Mistress is almost as despicable as a Citizen's Wife.--Suppose I trick the Collonel into Marriage--To bridle at a Review in _Hyde-Park_, have rich Plunder brought me from _Flanders_, and boast in Company how much my Husband ballances the Pow'r of _Europe_; but then comes Peace, and Half-pay, and the Brigadier's Lady must condescend to dress Heads, make Mantoes, or vainly feed her Pride, by personating what she really was on the most renown'd _Drury-Lane Theatre_.--Suppose I rail at the Government, and so trap the rich Major; but then he's trapt in a Plot, some poor Lord begs his Estate, and I'm to live upon the mighty Comfort of having it again when the Pretender comes--Or what if I wheedle in with Mr. _Nick-nack_--To have a fine House in _Billiter-Lane_, prodigious great Dinners, and ready Cash for Play. And, faith, now-a-days, a rich Merchant's Wife keeps as late Hours, Games as high, and makes as bulky a Figure as e'er a Dutchess in the two united Kingdoms.

_Enter Sir_ Harry.

Sir _Har_. How kind this was, my dear, pretty Mrs. _Lovejoy_, to leave so much good Company to meet me here alone.

Mrs. _Lov_. How kind you are to your self Sir _Harry_, in harbouring so ridiculous a Notion.

Sir _Har_. Are you resolv'd then, Madam, to let this gay, this proper well-set Person o' mine pine away like a green Sickness Girl, when I have so generously offer'd you two hundred Pound a Year, only to be a little whimsical with you.

Mrs. _Lov_. Two hundred a year! wou'd you make a Wh.o.r.e of me Sir _Harry_?

Sir _Har_. A Wh.o.r.e! have a care, Child, who you reflect upon, a Lady of two hundred a Year, a Wh.o.r.e; Wh.o.r.es are Creatures that wear Pattens and Straw-hats. I'd fain hear any body call a kept Mistress, Wh.o.r.e, while there's Law to be had, if I were she, I'd make 'em severely pay for't.

Mrs. _Lov_. But pray, Sir _Harry_, where's the Difference between a common Woman, and one that's kept; they have equally lost their Reputation, and no body of any Character will visit 'em.

Sir _Har_. Visit 'em! Ladies of different Orders shou'd converse amongst themselves, I know a Set of kept Mistresses that visit one another with all the Ceremony of Countesses, take place of one another according to the Degree of their Keepers, are call'd to one another's Labours, and live in perfect Sister-hood like the _Grand Seignor's Seraglio_; two of 'em indeed had a violent Quarrel t'other day, but 'twas only about State Affairs, one happening to be a Whig, and t'other a Tory.

Mrs. _Lov_. Good Sir _Harry_, what have you seen so loose in my Behaviour to attack me at this rate?

Sir _Har_. Why, look you, Child, do'st thee consider what an Income two hundred a Year is; some Country Gentlemen han't more to make their Elder Sons Esquires, and raise Portions for eleven awkard Daughters. Besides, my Dear, thou art but a whiffling sort of a Pinnace, I have been proffer'd lovely, large, First Rate Ladies for half the Mony. There's _Winny Wag-tail_ in _Channel Row_, wou'd have left it to my Generosity; Mrs.

_Tippet_ the Furrier's Wife in _Walbrook_ wou'd have taken five hundred Pound down, and _Sufan Sigh-fort_ the quaking Sempstress had n't the a.s.surance to ask me above the rent of her Shop.----I must tell you, Love, the Nation's over stock'd with Women, I can have a hundred and fifty Furbuloe Scarf-makers for as many Silver Thimbles; and but last Long Vacation, a very considerable Pleader offer'd me his two Daughters for Six and Eight Pence a Night.

Mrs. _Lov_. Sir _Harry_, this Discourse suits not my Genius, I have a Fortune, tho' not thousands enough to keep me from that odious thing you'd tempt me to; therefore if you pursue this Humour any farther, I must acquaint my Lady with it.

Sir _Har_. Why, then, Madam, do I most devoutly pray to _Venus_ there, and each kind Creature here, that the Men may avoid you, as if you had n't a Lure about you, that for madness you may turn Gam'ster, lose all your Fortune at Play, and then grow crooked for want of Mony to buy you a new Pair of Stayes. [_Exit._

Mrs. _Lov_. Was ever any thing so impudent! he's a charming Fellow tho', and two hundred a Year is a charming Allowance too.--But Virtue! Virtue!-- Oh! that I had liv'd in good King Some-body's Days.

_Enter Major_ Bramble.

_Bra_. Madam _Lovejoy_, your most humble Servant, here's a Ring that was p.a.w.n'd to me for twenty Guineas by a Welch Knight, on his being chose High Sheriff o'the County, and the Mony not being paid in due time, it's become forfeited; I therefore entreat the Favour of you to wear it.

Mrs. _Lov_. Your very humble Servant, Major, they are delicate Stones indeed; but what Service must I do you in return of so great a Compliment?

_Bra_. Only that, Madam, of being my Advocate to Lady _Rodomont_, whose Beauty I have long admir'd, and whose Estate I do profoundly reverence.

[_Aside._] Nor can I on a just survey of my Person and Parts find the least Obstacle, why her Inclinations shou'd n't mount like mine, that without much Ceremony or foppish Courtship, we might unite Circ.u.mstances, and astonish the World at the Sight of a couple so prodigiously well pair'd.

Mrs. _Lov_. Were my Fortune, Major, equal to my Lady's, my Judgment wou'd be as much admir'd in such a Choice as my Happiness wou'd be envy'd; but my Lady's of so uncommon a cold Const.i.tution so whimsically gay, and fond of new Diversions, she laughs at ev'ry serious Thought of Love.

_Bra._ Perhaps, Madam, my Lady never had an Offer worth her serious Notice, the Fops a course chatter and teaze the Women, but when great Statesmen condescend to Love, and while they Court, Affairs of State stand still; a Lady shou'd be proud of such an Offer; what Woman wou'd not think her self most highly honour'd to have an amorous Judge approach her with his Tipstaff.

Mrs. _Lov._ Ay, Major, to have the State stand still, as if a Woman were of mightier Moment wou'd sooth a Lady's Pride, 'twou'd be so pretty to adjourn the Parliament when their Mistresses send for 'em to Picquet; and were my Lady sensible how vast an Honour you design her, she certainly wou'd own an equal Pa.s.sion.

_Bra._ [_Aside_] I profess a very ingenious Woman, and cou'd I but be satisfy'd, she were entirely in the French Int'rest, I I wou'd prefer her to Madam _Maintenon's_ Cabinet Council, to consult about the next Invasion.

_Enter_ Nicknack.

_Nic._ Oh! Mrs. _Lovejoy_, I have been hurry'd quite out of my Senses, three more Ships are sail'd in upon me this Morning; the _Atlas_ Merchant Man, Captain _Sunburnt_ Commander from the _East Indies_, the _Dighton_ Gally from the musty Islands, and the _Hankerchief_ Frigot from _Smirna_.

Mrs. _Lov._ Pray, Mr. _Nicknack_, when's the Sale?

_Nic._ Now, now, Madam, and the fat India Women from all Parts o'the Town do croud and scold like a Parcel of Fish-Wives at a Mackrel-Boat--Mrs.

_Trapes_ in _Leadenhall_ Street is hawling away the Umbrellas for the walking Gentry, Mrs. _Kanister_ in _Hatton Garden_, buys up all the course Bohee-Tea for the _Holborn_ Ladies Breakfasts, and Mrs. _Furnish_ at St.

_James_'s has order'd Lots of Fans, and China, and India Pictures to be set by for her, 'till she can borrow Mony to pay for 'em.----But, Madam, I ha' brought you a couple of the prettiest Parrokeets, and the charming'st Monkey for my Lady that ever was seen; a Coster-monger's Wife kiss'd it, burst into Tears, and said, 'Twas so like an only Child she had just bury'd. I thought the poor Woman wou'd ha' swoon'd away.

Mrs. _Lov_. Thank you good Mr. _Nicknack_.

_Nick_. But, Madam, have you told my Lady, what a violent Inflammation I have about her?

Mrs. _Lov_. She's now at Cards with the _Collonel_, and next to the new Monkey you'll be the welcom'st Creature alive to her.--Sweet Major excuse me, for I must run to my dear Parrokeets. [_Exit._

_Bra_. Prithee, Friend, what Beau-maggot has thy Pericranium lately bred to give thee pretensions to Lady _Rodomont_?

_Nick_. And pray, _Major_; what prejudice have the Ladies done you, that you shou'd revenge it by offering 'em your disagreeable self? For he that murmus at so good a Queen, must certainly be disaffected to the whole s.e.x.

_Bra_. Do'st thou imagine a Woman of sense that has seen he great Court of _France_, and visited Madam _de Trollop_, Madam _de Frippery_, and Madam _de Tw.a.n.gdillion_, where Ladies are great Politicians, and talk of Ramparts, Bastions, and Aqueducts will prefer thy Parrots and Jack-daws to a Man of Politicks, whom the Prince of _Conti_ consulted about the Kingdom of _Poland_. Monsieur _Chamillard_ about the late Invasion.

_Nick._ I can't suppose, _Major_, a Lady of her Intellects, will fling her self away on a Grumbletonian, to have her Estate confiscated, receive Visits in the _Gate-house_, when her Husband's clapt up for Treason, and afterwards quarrel with the Heralds about the length of her Veil, when her Spouse made his _Exit_ at _Tyburn_.

_Bra_. Why ha'st thou the a.s.surance to despise Heroes that die in a State Cause, St. _Charnock_, and St. _Gregg_; these were Men that made a noise i'the World, whose Names are in ev'ry News Paper, and let the Cause be what it will, I honour People that make a noise in the World.--But prithee, Mr. _Nicknack_, what makes you Citizens that spring from a little Counting-house, up three Steps at the further End of a dark Ware-house, attempt Women o'Quality?

_Nick_. Why, Sir, I can settle Threescore Thousand Pounds upon her.

_Bra_. Settle Threescore Thousand Pounds upon her;--Wou'd you buy a Wife as you do Scamony and Cocheneal by Inch of Candle? If I were a Woman, I shou'd hate the sound of an Inch of Candle. I'll settle _Major Bramble_ upon her, an inestimable Jewel, and if she has no more sense than to refuse me; for a Chocolate-house, _Jelley Eater_, she has travell'd to as little improvement, as some other Beau Ladies, that admire the Agility of the _French_, before the Stability of the _Swiss Cantons_; therefore you may go tire her with your Monkey tricks, to give her a true relish of my more weighty Arguments.--In the mean time, I'll step to the Tow'r, to congratulate the safe Arrival of some very great Persons out of _Scotland_. [_Exit._

_Nick_. Now has this old Fellow the vanity to think his Person and Qualities are as acceptable to a fine Woman as if he had been bred at Court; but a.s.ses will herd and bray amongst the fair Kine, like a knot of Stock-jobbing Jews that crowd _Garraways_ Coffee-house, and fright away us Beau Merchants with the stink of Bread and Cheese Snuff. [_Exit._

SCENE _Changes to_ Covent-Garden.

_Enter_ Matter Totty, _and_ Shrimp.

_Tot_. Lord! Lord! What a hugeous Place this _London_ is? I thank you heartily, Sir, for taking Care of me; for I shou'd ha' quite lost my self, and then, perhaps, some strange Person might ha' taken me up, and ha' kept me; but what makes People in such a hurry here, as if at _Lincoln_, the Mayor and Aldermen were going to a Bull-baiting; at other times Folks in the Country walk more slowly, as tho' they were going to Church.

_Shr. London_, Master, is the Seat of Business, People do ev'ry thing in a hurry here, except paying their Debts, and lying with their Wives; but what Notion had you of the Town before you saw it?

_Tot_. Why, my Grand-mother says, Tis the wicked'st Place under the Copes of Heav'n, and the Filthinesses she has seen there, have made her frigid to Mankind; she says, young Fellows are greedy after young Wenches, and make a scoff at old Folks; Men of Quality have no sense of well-doing, and Women o'Quality no sense of Self-denial; your highflown Gentry, no sense of Humility, and the Common People no sense of good Manners; mid-night Collonels, no sense of Sobriety; Vintners no sense of Honesty; City Wives, no sense of Chast.i.ty, and their Husbands, no sense at all.

_Shr_. You are deceiv'd, Master, People come hither for Education and Improvement: Ev'ry Merchant's Prentice now a.s.sumes an air of Wisdom, talks of Gaming, Dress, and Poetry; frequents the Hazard-Table at _Lambeth_, the Bowling-Green at _Islington_, and keeps a Race-Horse for _Hackney-Marsh_; has a Silver Watch double gilt, Pearl colour Silk Stockings, and a black Suit for _Lent_, with a couple of Drop-Locks hanging up in the Counting-house, which are occasionally hook'd on to a Spruce-Bob to Squire two Chamber-Maids to the _Rival Queens_.

_Tot_. But do People obey their Parents in _London_?

_Shr_. Never, never, Master, this is an Age of Freedom and good Humour; Fathers tope Claret with their Sons, and Mothers _Rosa Solis_ with their Daughters; they Rake together, Intreague together, divide Estates, and persue their Inclinations; Familiarity makes young Fellows easie, and old Fellows have the happiness to live out all their Days.