The Failure Part 12

-I just ...You always do that, and it lowers my self-esteem. Which is not good for my self-esteem.

At which point three police cars, sirens wailing, sped past the check-cashing place without slowing down. Guy and Billy looked at each other. Guy took off his mask and shrugged.

-Now I don't know whether we're really unlucky or really lucky, said Guy.

-I'll get the car, said Billy.

36. A PRIVATE CONVERSATION BETWEEN GUY AND VIOLET, SITTING ON VIOLET'S BED THE ONE TIME HE WAS ALLOWED TO VISIT HER APARTMENT, FIVE DAYS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO

I'm strong, said Violet.

-Yes, but are you Army strong?

-I don't know. Maybe. Do you think you're book hot?

-I'm definitely not TV hot. You're like movie hot, though.

-Seriously? Do you mean indie movie hot or blockbuster movie hot?

-You're right on the edge. You're maybe rising starlet hot?

-That's so sweet.

In the dark the wallpaper, bland rows of tipped pyramids on a white background, acquired a sheen of sweat. Emotional humidity. Guy had no way of stopping her. Smoke from his improperly stubbed cigarette curled upwards from the ashtray balanced on his thigh and flowered in unexpected ways near the ceiling, dissolving at length in the murk. He couldn't stop her. Her bare shoulders reflected striped moonlight onto the piled pillows. They talked for a while longer but talking only drew tighter the tense cords banding Guy's stomach. His throat clenched. He had a coughing fit and lit another cigarette. Moths beat at the window screen, alarmed at the sudden silence. Truth is, he didn't want to stop her. She opened her eyes; he saw narrow gemlike slits glitter on the moon-dappled and striated bed. The distance between her hand and his chest was negatively charged, p.r.i.c.kly with latent energy. The angel of perception shifted; Guy turned away and leaned on a nervous elbow, watching the blue glow of her digital clock on a nearby end table register the slowly scrolling text of time.

-What are you thinking? asked Guy, after a while.

-If you have to ask, then I really don't think there's much point in me being here.

-I mean besides that. Obviously. I don't know anything about you.

Violet sat up in the bed, alarmed.

-You've never wanted to know anything about me.

-Yeah, I know. It's uncharacteristic.

-I don't tell people stuff like that.

-Okay, first: stuff like what? And second: people? I've been demoted?

-And this is one of the reasons why.

-Just forget I said anything.

-I never understand when anyone says that. You did say it. It's now part of my memory. I can't choose which memories to remember and which to forget. I wish I could. And you're telling me to forget it only doubles the chances that I'll remember it.

-It's an expression. I don't mean actually forget, but act as if you've forgotten. Pretend, in other words, I never said anything about how I don't know anything about you, and I'd like to know something, not a whole lot, but maybe where you're from, your middle name, favorite flavor of ice cream ...

-I'm lactose-intolerant. I don't eat ice cream.

-There, see? Now I know something about you. That wasn't so difficult, was it?

-Unless I was lying. I do that a lot.

-Yeah, me too. Like, for example, when I said I was a rich Internet entrepreneur.

-I never believed that.

-It was still a lie.

-Okay.

-Truth is, I will be a rich Internet entrepreneur. I just need some cash to fund my prototype for this really ingenious new technology that ...You stopped listening, didn't you?

-Uh-huh.

-Okay. Well, maybe you'll listen to this: my plan to raise the cash involves robbing a Korean check-cashing place.

Violet chuckled softly. -Right.

-Seriously. I've got a guy on the inside. Whole thing's worked out.

-Please don't do this.

-Why?

-Not that it's any of my business, but you'll get caught, you'll go to jail, and I'll have to forget, or rather pretend, that I ever knew you. Which would be a shame because you're not entirely worthless.

-This thing is foolproof.

-Is Billy involved?

-Of course Billy's involved. He's an integral part of the plan.

-Then it's not foolproof. If Billy's involved, by definition your plan is not foolproof, and you will get caught, whether immediately or eventually, and then ... all that stuff I already said.

-You'll change your tune when I show you the money.

-There were so many cliches in that sentence I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

-How about instead we just have s.e.x?

-Only if you promise to drop your foolproof plan. Seriously.

Guy waited an appropriate length of time, pretending to consider.

-Fine. Okay. I promise to drop the plan.

Violet unhooked her bra and threw it on the floor.

-Liar, she said, reaching for Guy's pants.

37. BILLY PITCHES PANDEMONIUM TO A NEW GROUP OF POTENTIAL INVESTORS, SEVERAL WEEKS AFTER THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO.

So that's, like, more or less how it works.

-How what works? asked one of the investors.

-Pandemonium. I just demonstrated it.

-What do you mean?

-When you clicked on that website, you got advertised to. Or however you want to say it.

-What was the ad for?

-Ah. Yes. For demonstration purposes, I chose a public service announcement regarding dental hygiene. Just because, well, we needed a demonstration, and you know, dental hygiene is extremely important.

-I didn't see anything, said one of the investors.

-Didn't you? said Billy.

-No.

-Exactly. Now imagine you go to this site three or four times a day. And you get exactly the same message, reinforced at the subsensory level.

-What message?

-Exactly. That's the beauty of Pandemonium. Ipso facto.

-I don't think that's how you use "ipso facto."

-Hey, where have I seen you before? asked another investor.

-I don't know, said Billy. -Do you go to the Whole Foods on Fairfax?

-No.

-Oh! I know, said another of the investors. -You're the mountain lion-fighting guy.

-Umm ... said Billy.

-That's right! It was on YouTube. Extremely awesome.

-I don't really like to be pigeonholed ... I mean, did I fight a mountain lion? Yes. I did fight a mountain lion.

-This guy fought a mountain lion?

-Do you even watch YouTube? It was only the most popular video for three weeks straight.

-Someone from IT put a block on YouTube at my workstation. I think he was p.i.s.sed because I made fun of his hair.

-Are you talking about that guy Roger? He's kind of creepy.

-Anyway ... said Billy. -About Pandemonium.

-How on earth did you survive a fight with a mountain lion?

-I ... uh ... mostly I just threw clumps of dirt at it and stuff. I don't remember much of what happened, to be honest.

-That's right! You fell over and knocked yourself out on a big rock right before the end.

-That was the best part. I almost fell out of my chair. The mountain lion came over, pawed at you a little, then just trotted off. Maybe he thought you were dead.

-I always just a.s.sumed it was a fake, chimed in another investor.

-I can a.s.sure you it wasn't fake, said Billy, rolling up his sleeve. -I've still got a scar ...

-Whoa. Dude, that is seriously gross.

-You know, we could use this, said one of the older investors.

-How do you mean? said Billy, unrolling his sleeve.

-This ... fake Internet advertising thing. I mean, maybe it works, maybe it doesn't.

-I've got charts ...

-Everybody has charts, son. But what everybody doesn't have is the guy who fought a mountain lion. That represents something.

-It does?