The F- It List Part 34

"Yeah," she presented her best disappointed face, always the actress. "Maybe another time?" she asked.

"Sure." Brian smiled, googly eyed. If he only knew Becca was attached to a homeschool beefcake.

Not knowing how to say good- bye, nor really wanting to, I blurted, "Want to get coff ee sometime?" at Leo, a line direct from the list of top a.s.shole- isms.

"Maybe," Leo answered, kind of sounding like an a.s.shole himself.

"That would be great," Becca pushed. That he would maybe want to get coff ee with me? I felt like I was morphing into one gigan- tic a.s.shole as we spoke. Like, literally a human- sized hole in an a.s.s.

"Better get in line so we can get seats. Nice meeting you guys."

Brian winked. I always said never trust a winker.

Or anyone else for that matter.

Leo and Brian walked away, and Becca and I headed for my car.

--1 "What happened?" she asked.

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"What do you mean?" I played dumb. Or maybe I just was.

"That was your big chance to charm Leo back into your evil clutches, and you totally choked."

"I didn't choke. He didn't want to see me. Or watch Reanimator with me. Or drink hot caff einated beverages with me." I stomped ahead of Becca, who called after me, "Slow down!"

I stopped and waited for her to catch up. "I need to sit down," she said. We plopped down on a parking block, so Becca could rest.

"I f.u.c.ked this up, didn't I? Not just today, but, like, forever."

"Possibly not. Leo did say maybe. He could have fl at- out said no and called you a t.w.a.t."

"Leo has never used the word 't.w.a.t'," I guessed.

"Well, more people should."

"Do you think I'm a t.w.a.t?"

"Not all the time." I fl icked Becca's arm. "Watch it. I bruise eas- ily. What I meant was, maybe you are a t.w.a.t sometimes, but Leo already knew that. Maybe he understands. I mean, you just lost your dad, and then his brother goes and dies. People deal with death in all sorts of weird ways."

"Really? I hadn't noticed, Davis Humper."

"Did you seriously just use the word hump?"

"Don't forget Davis."

"Wish I could."

That night, as I replayed every detail of my debacle with Leo, my phone buzzed on my nightstand. It was a text. From Leo.

Yes to coffee. Tomorrow?

-1- f.u.c.kbaskets. What made him change his mind? Was this his oppor- 0- tunity to tell me off ? To make up? To introduce me to his fi ancee?

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I didn't want to wait and give him a chance to change his mind.

Have to work tomorrow.

After work OK. 7:30 @ Brew Town?

OK.

I waited for more texts, felt like I should say something else but lacked the words to express anything. What would I express if I had?

I wished my mom had homeschooled me, so I had the gall to write sappy love notes like Caleb. But Leo wasn't the sappy love- note type.

I didn't think. Whether or not he was, I wasn't. I couldn't even handle those three little words.

I handled liking the guy who said them even less.

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CHAPTER.

34.

I was a jangly ball of stress all day at Cellar. Too many hunks of turkey and plops of mayonnaise missed their bread, and my feet were surrounded by casualties.

"Are you on the rag or something?" accused Doug. "You're sur- lier than ever today."

"Maybe. Want me to pull out my b.l.o.o.d.y tampon and show you?"

That shut him up. Guys seemed much better equipped at handling the hypothetically hormonal aspect of menstruation than the actual act.

My shift ended at seven. Brew Town was only two stores away, and I used the extra half hour to change out of my subby shirt and into one that didn't smell quite as much like roast beef. At 7:25, I ascended the stairs and walked out the door of Cellar. There, two doors down, leaning against the storefront with a cigarette in his hand, was Leo.

-1- He wore a heavy black down jacket and a black winter hat over 0- his buzzed hair. He looked around nonchalantly, either not in a rush

1-

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to fi nd me or really just taking in the sights. When our eyes met, he brought the cigarette to his lips, took a long drag, blew out the smoke, then stamped out the rest of the cigarette with his shoe. It could have been a calculated move to show me that he was smoking again, that I had no infl uence over him. Or maybe he started smoking again because of other reasons. Because the world was oh- so- far from revolving around me.

I approached Leo, and he eased himself out of his window lean.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey," he repeated. He held the door open for me with his back, hands in his pockets. Without taking off his coat, he slid into a table near the window.

"What do you want?" I asked, standing next to him. He looked at me, almost annoyed. "Coff ee?" I pushed.

"Oh. Large. Black."

I didn't bother asking him which brew. I guessed that wasn't something he cared much about. At the counter, I ordered him a medium roast and hoped it was the right choice. I selected a mocha for myself. When the barista asked for the name on my order, I told him, "Ash," the name of Bruce Campbell's character in the Evil Dead movies. I thought maybe it would soften the situation. I waited by the counter for the drinks, and when the barista called, "Ash," I looked over at Leo for approval. He watched pa.s.sersby at the window. I was p.i.s.sed at myself for bothering.

"Your black coff ee." I delivered the cup in front of Leo, drawing his attention back inside. I shook off my coat but left on my gloves, fi ngerless ones that converted into mittens.

"Thanks," Leo off ered fl atly, and poured a heaping amount of --1 sugar into his cup.

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I felt like I was supposed to talk. But what about? The easiest segue into conversation was Dead of Winter Con, so I took it.

"How was Reanimator?"

"The same as it always is." Leo didn't look at me when he answered.

He stirred his coff ee. I blew on mine. An imaginary clock ticked loudly in my brain.

"Why are we here?" I broke the silence. He managed to look at me. I wanted to drown in his green eyes. Until he said, "f.u.c.k if I know. Brian made me text you last night."

"He made you? Like, held a gun to your head and threatened your fi rstborn?"

Leo stared at me drolly. "This was your idea. Total mistake." He abruptly pushed his chair back but didn't stand.

"I don't feel like it is," I told him.

"What do you feel, Alex?"

s.h.i.t. Was this the moment where I was supposed to excrete emo- tions? Was that the only way to make this thing right?

"Do you still love me?" I asked.

Wrong question.

"Seriously. Seriously? You are royally f.u.c.ked up, Alex."

"Oh, is that why you asked me here? To be a total d.i.c.k and tell me s.h.i.tty things about myself? Because I don't need you for that.

Perfectly capable of self- loathing on my own, thank you."

We stared at each other through squinted eyes. If we were bulls, steam would have come snorting out of our noses.

"Why did you ask me here? And don't tell me because Brian -1- made you come."

0- "I don't know. It's been a s.h.i.tty few months, and as much as I