The Curate in Charge Part 17

"I wonder if any one will apply? But, Cicely, suppose all comes right, as I am sure it will, you may be deceiving some one, making them think--Here is the very person I want; and then how disappointed they will be!"

"Oh, if there is only _their_ disappointment to think of! Mab, you must not think there is any reliance to be put on Mr. Mildmay. He meant it; yes, tears came into his eyes," cried Cicely, with a look of grat.i.tude and pleasure in her own. "But when he goes back among those Oxford men, those dons, do you think they will pay any attention to him? They will laugh at him; they will say he is a Quixote; they will turn it all into fun, or think it his folly."

"Why should Oxford dons be so much worse than other men?" said Mab, surprised. "Papa is an Oxford man--he is not hard-hearted. Dons, I suppose, are just like other people?"

"No," said Cicely, who was arguing against herself, struggling against the tide of fict.i.tious hope, which sometimes threatened to carry her away. "They live by themselves among their books; they have n.o.body belonging to them; their hearts dry up, and they don't care for common troubles. Oh, I know it: they are often more heathens than Christians. I have no faith in those sort of people. He will have a struggle with them, and then he will find it to be of no use. I am as sure as if it had happened already," cried Cicely, her bright eyes sparkling indignant behind her tears.

"At least we need not think them so bad till we know," said Mab, more charitably.

Cicely had excited herself by this impa.s.sioned statement, in which indeed the Oxford men were innocent sufferers enough, seeing that she knew nothing about them. "I must not let myself believe it; I dare not let myself believe it," she said in her heart; "but, oh! if by chance things did happen _so_!" What abundant compensation, what lavish apology, did this impetuous young woman feel herself ready to offer to those maligned dons!

The advertis.e.m.e.nt was at last fairly written out, with the exception of the address to be given. "Papa may surely tell me where they are to apply," Cicely said, though with doubts in her mind as to whether he was good even for this; and then she wrote her letters, one of which was in Mr. St. John's name to the lawyer who had written to him about the furniture, asking that the sale might not take place until the curate's half-year, which ended in the end of September, should be out. Mr. St.

John would not do this himself. "Why should I ask any favour of those people who do not know me?" he said; but he had at length consented that Cicely might write "if she liked;" and in any case the lawyer's letter had to be answered. Cicely made this appeal as business-like as possible. "I wonder how a man would write who did not mind much--to whom this was only a little convenience," she said to her sister. "I don't want to go and ask as if one was asking a favour of a friend--as if we cared."

"But we do care; and it would be a favour----"

"Never mind. I wish we knew what a man would say that was quite independent and did not care. 'If it is the same to you, it would be more convenient for me not to have the furniture disturbed till the 22nd of September'--that is the kind of thing. We girls always make too much of a favour of everything," said Cicely, writing; and she produced an admirable imitation of a business letter, to which she appended her own signature, "Cecil St. John," which was also her father's, with great boldness. The curate's handwriting was almost more womanlike than hers, for Cicely's generation are not taught to write Italian hands, and I do not think the lawyer suspected the s.e.x of the production. When she had finished this, she wrote upon another sheet of paper, "My dear Aunt, I am----" and then she stopped sharply. "It is cool now, let us take them out for a walk on the common," she said, shutting up her desk. "I can finish this to-night."

It was not, however, the walk on the common Cicely wanted, but to hide from her sister that the letter to Aunt Jane was much less easy than even those other dolorous pieces of business. Poor Cicely looked upon the life before her with a shudder. To live alone in some new place, where n.o.body knew her, as nursemaid to these babies, and attendant upon her father, without her sweet companion, the little sister, who, though so near in age, had always been the protected one, the reliant dependent nature, believing in Cicely, and giving her infinite support by that belief! How could she do it? Yet she herself, who felt it most, must insist upon it; must be the one to arrange and settle it all, as so often happens. It would not be half so painful to Mab as to Cicely; yet Mab would be pa.s.sive in it, and Cicely active; and she could not write under Mab's smiling eyes betraying the sacrifice it cost her. Mab laughed at her sister's impetuosity, and concluded that it was exactly like Cicely to tire of her work all in a moment, and dash into something else. And, accordingly, the children's out-door apparel was got from the nursery, and the girls put on their hats, and strayed out by the garden door upon the common, with its heathery knolls and furze bushes. Harry and Charley had never in all their small lives had such a walk as this.

The girls mounted them upon their shoulders, and ran races with them, Charley against Harry, till first one twin, and then the other, was beguiled into shrill little gusts of laughter: after which they were silent--themselves frightened by the unusual sound. But when the races ended, Charley, certainly the hero of the day, opened his mouth and spoke, and said "Adain!" and this time when they laughed the babies were not frightened. Then they were set down and rolled upon the soft gra.s.s, and throned in mossy seats among the purple fragrant heather. What an evening it was! The sky all ablaze with the sunset, with clouds of rosy flame hanging like canopies over the faint delicious openings of that celestial green which belongs to a summer evening. The curate, coming from a distant round into the parish, which had occupied him all the day, found them on the gra.s.s under the big beech-tree, watching the glow of colour in the west. He had never seen his girls "taking to" his babies before so kindly, and the old man was glad.

"But it is quite late enough to have them out; they have been used to such early hours," he said.

"And Harry wants his tea," piped that small hero, with a half whimper.

Then the girls jumped up, and looked at each other, and Cicely grew crimson. Here was a beginning to make, an advantage terrible to think of, to be given to the dethroned Annie, who no doubt was enjoying it keenly. Cicely had already forgotten the children's tea!

CHAPTER XVI.

REALITY.

Cicely wrote her letter to her aunt that evening, dropping some tears over it when Mab was not by to see; and almost as soon as it was possible she had a very kind answer, granting her request, and more.

Aunt Jane declared that she would receive Mab with great delight, and do everything that could be done to further her art-studies, which, as the British Museum was near, and "a very good artist" lived next door to Miss Maydew, seemed likely to be something worth while. "She shall be to me like my own child; though I have never concealed from either of you that you, Cicely, are my pet," wrote Miss Maydew; and she added a still more liberal invitation. "If you want to spend a few days anywhere between leaving Brentburn and going to the new place, wherever that may be, you must come here--babies and all. I can manage to find beds for you near; and it will be a nice little holiday for us all," said the kind woman. She even added a postscript, to the effect that, if there was a little money wanting at the time of the removal, Cicely was "not to hesitate" to apply to her: and what could woman do more? Sympathy and hospitality, and a little money, "is wanted." Alas! perhaps it is because the money is so sure to be wanted that so few people venture on such an offer; but Miss Maydew knew she was safe with Hester's child, who was so like her mother. Cicely's other letter was successful, too.

The lawyer who represented the Chester family was quite willing to postpone the sale until Mr. St. John's time was up. After all, the world is not so very bad as it is called. n.o.body was cruel to the St. Johns.

The tradespeople agreed to wait for their money. The Chesters would not for the world disturb the departing curate until he was ready to go; and Mrs. Ascott, and all the other great people in the parish, called and made much of the girls. The church was more full than usual every Sunday, for a vague expectation of a farewell (or, as old Mrs. Joel called it, a funeral) sermon was in the people's minds. A great many of them, now it came to the point, were very sorry that Mr. St. John was going. They would have signed freely anything that had been set before them to make the curate stay. But, nevertheless, they were all interested about his farewell sermon, and what he would say for himself, and what account he would give of various matters which stuck fast in their rustic recollections. Thus the weeks stole away quite placidly, and the harvest was got in, and August wore out under a great blazing moon with the utmost cheerfulness. One or two answers came to the advertis.e.m.e.nt in the _Guardian_; but they were not of an encouraging kind. Cicely felt that it was better to repeat it and wait; and her father was always pleased to wait under all circ.u.mstances; and the long bright days went away one by one in a kind of noiseless procession, which Cicely felt herself watch with a dreary dismay and restlessness.

Nothing had happened yet to avert the calamity that was impending.

Everything, on the contrary, seemed preparing for it--leading up to it--though still Mr. St. John went "into the parish," and still all went on as usual at the rectory. The curate showed no symptom of feeling these last days different from any other; but the girls kept looking forward, and hoping for something, with a hope which gradually fell sick, and grew speechless--and nothing came.

One day when Mrs. Ascott called, Cicely had got into that state of exhaustion and strained anxiety when the mind grows desperate. She had been occupied with the children all day, not able to get free of them--Annie having finally departed, and Betsy, being too much displeased at the loss of her sister and subordinate to make any offer of help. The babies had grown more active and more loquacious under the changed _regime_, and this, though it was her own doing, increased poor Cicely's cares. Mab was upstairs preparing for her departure, which was to be a few days before the general breaking up. Altogether when Mrs.

Ascott came in, fresh and cool out of her carriage, Cicely was not in the best mood to receive her. She gave the children her work-basket to play with to keep them quiet, and cleared her own brow as best she could, as she stood up and welcomed the great lady. How fresh her toilette was, how unwrinkled her face! a woman altogether at ease, and ready to smile upon everything. She shook hands with Cicely, and took her seat with smiling prettiness. "I have come really on business," she said; "to see if we could be of any use to you, Cicely--in packing or any of your preparations; and to ask if the time is quite fixed? I suppose your papa must have heard from Mr. Mildmay, and that all is settled now?"

"All--settled?" said Cicely, faintly. The words, so softly and prettily said, went into the girl's heart like a knife; and yet of course it was no more than she expected--no more.

"The appointment, as you would see, is in the paper to-day. I am so sorry your papa is going, my dear; but as he must go, and we cannot help it, at least we have reason to be thankful that we are getting such a good man as Mr. Mildmay. It will be some little compensation to the parish for losing Mr. St. John."

"Is it--in the papers?" said Cicely, feeling suddenly hoa.r.s.e and unable to speak.

"You feel it, my poor dear child!--of course you must feel it--and so do we all. There will not be a dry eye in the whole church when Mr. St.

John preaches his farewell sermon. To think that he should have been here so long--though it is a little consolation, Mr. Ascott says, that we are getting a thorough gentleman, and so well connected--an admirable man."

"Consolation!" cried Cicely, raising her head. "What consolation is wanted? Papa is pretty well worn out; he has done almost as much work as a man can do. People cannot keep old things when they are worn out--the new are better; but why should any one pretend to make a moan over it? I do not see what consolation the parish can want. If you cry at the farewell sermon, Mrs. Ascott, I shall laugh. Why should not your eyes be dry--as dry as the fields--as dry as people's hearts?"

"Cicely, Cicely!" cried Mrs. Ascott, shocked; "my dear, I am very sorry for it, but a misfortune like this should be borne in a better spirit. I am sure your poor dear papa would say so; and it is n.o.body's fault."

"It is everybody's fault," cried Cicely, forgetting herself, getting up in her pa.s.sion, and walking about the room; "the parish, and the Church, and all the world! Oh, you may smile! It does not touch you; you are well off; you cannot be put out of your home; you cannot have everything taken from you, and see everybody smiling pity upon you, and no one putting out a hand to help. Pity! we don't want pity," cried Cicely; "we want justice. How dare you all stand by and see it done? The Church, the Church! that everybody preaches about as if it was G.o.d, and yet that lets an old servant be so treated--an old servant that has worked so hard, never sparing himself! If this is the Church's doing, the Church is harder than the farmers--worse, worse than worldly people. Do you think G.o.d will be pleased because he is well connected? or is it G.o.d's fault?" Here her voice broke with a sob and shudder, and suddenly dropping from her height of pa.s.sion, Cicely said faintly, "Papa!"

"What is it?" said the curate, coming in. "Surely I heard something very strange. Mrs. Ascott, I beg your pardon; my ears must have deceived me.

I thought Cicely must be repeating, to amuse herself, some speech, perhaps out of _Paradise Lost_. I have heard of some great man who was caught doing that, and frightened everybody who heard him," said Mr. St.

John, shaking hands with the visitor with his friendly smile.

He sat down, weary and dusty from "the parish," and there was a painful pause. Cicely stole away to the corner where her little brothers were playing, her pulse bounding, her heart throbbing, her cheeks aflame, her whole being, soul and body, full of the strong pain and violent stimulus of the shock she had received. She had never expected anything else, she said to herself; she had steadily prepared for the going away, the ruin that awaited them; but, nevertheless, her heart had never believed in it, since that conversation with Mildmay at the rectory gate. Day by day she had awoke with a certainty in her mind, never put into words, that the good news would come, that all would be well. But the shock did not crush her, as it does some people; it woke her up into freshened force and life; her heart seemed to thrill and throb, not so much with pain as with activity, and energy and power.

"Cicely is very much excited," said Mrs. Ascott in a low tone. "I fear she is very excitable; and she ought to be more careful in her position--a clergyman's daughter--what she says. I think you ought to speak to her, Mr. St. John. She flew at me (not that I mind that) and said such things--because I mentioned that Mr. Mildmay's appointment was in the paper this morning; and that since we must lose you--which n.o.body can be more sorry for than we are--it was well at least that we were getting so good a man."

"Ah!" said the curate. The announcement took him by surprise, and gave him a shock too, though of a different kind. He caught his breath after it, and panted for a moment. "Is it in the papers? I have not seen it. I have no time in the morning; and, besides, I never see the _Times_."

"We hope you will settle to dine with us one day before you go," said Mrs. Ascott. "How we shall miss you, Mr. St. John! I don't like to think of it--and if we can be of any use in your preparations---- I hear there is to be a sale, too?"

"Not till we move. They will not put us to any inconvenience; indeed,"

said the curate, with a sigh and a smile, "everybody is very kind."

"I am sure everybody wishes to be kind," said Mrs. Ascott, with emphasis. "I must not take up your time any longer, for you look very tired after your rounds. But Mr. St. John, mark my words, you must hold a tight hand over Cicely. She uses expressions which a clergyman's daughter ought not to use."

"What were you saying to her, my dear?" said Mr. St. John, coming in again after he had taken the lady to her carriage; "your voice was raised, and you still look excited. What did you say?"

"It was nothing, papa. I lost my temper--who could help it? I will never do it again. To think of _that_ man calmly accepting the living and turning you out of it, after all he said."

"What good would it have done had he refused?" said Mr. St. John. "My dear, how could he help it?"

"Help it?" cried Cicely. "Can n.o.body help anything in this world? Must we stand by and see all manner of wrong done and take the advantage, and then think we are innocent and cannot help it. That is what I scorn.

Let him do wrong if he will, and bear the blame--that is honest at least. But to say he cannot help it; how could he ever dare to give such a miserable excuse?"

"My dear," said the curate, "I am too tired to argue. I don't blame Mildmay; he has done just what was natural, and I am glad he is coming here; while in the meantime talking will do no good, but I think my tea would do me good," he added with a smile.

Always tea, Cicely could not help thinking as she went away dutifully to prepare it--or dinner, or some trifle; never any serious thought of what was coming, of what had already come. She was young and impatient and unjust, as it is so natural to be at her years. The curate put his hand over his eyes when he was left alone. He was not disappointed or surprised. He had known exactly all along how it would be; but when it thus came upon him with such obvious and unmistakable reality, he felt it sharply. Twenty years! All that part of his life in which anything to speak of had happened to him, and--what was almost as hard to bear--all the familiar things which had framed in his life--the scene, the place, the people, the surroundings he was used to. He had not even his favourite consolation, forlorn pride in never having asked anything, to sustain him, for that was no longer the case. He was asking something--a poor curacy, a priest's place for a piece of bread. The pang was momentary, but it was sharp. He got up, and stretched his long languid figure, and said to himself, "Ah, well! what is the good of thinking? It is soon enough to make oneself wretched when the moment comes," and then he went peacefully into the dining-room to tea. This was not how the younger people took it, but then perhaps they had more capacity for feeling left.

Next morning Cicely got a letter of a very unusual description, which affected her in no small degree. It was from Mildmay, and, perhaps, it will be best to give it in full here:--

"DEAR MISS ST. JOHN,

"I have delayed writing to you until I could make sure that you must have seen or heard of the announcement in the papers which will tell the results of my last three weeks' work. Do not think that our last conversation has been obliterated from my mind. Very far from that. I have seen the Master and all who are concerned, and have done my best to show them the step which bare justice required at their hands, but ineffectually. I made a point at the same time of ascertaining what were the views of the gentleman to whom Brentburn would be offered in case I refused it, and found him quite decided on the subject. What could I do then? Should I have declined and put myself entirely out of the way of being of any use at all?

"As a matter of simple justice, I refer the question to you. What am I to do now? My thoughts on the subject have been many, I need not say, since I saw you. May I ask your father to continue at Brentburn as my curate? I am quite inexperienced; his a.s.sistance would be of infinite advantage to me; and, in point of fact, as is natural at our respective ages, I should be his curate, not he mine. May I do this? or what else can I do? The position in which I find myself is a painful one. It would have been much easier, I a.s.sure you, to have shuffled the whole matter off upon Ruffhead, and to have withdrawn. But I felt a responsibility upon me since I met you; and I ask you now urgently, feeling that I have almost a right to your advice, what am I to do?