The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 93

John Bas...o...b..iz now living in c.o.o.n Hollow, Racc.o.o.n county, State ov Iowa.

He iz 196 years old, and kan read fine print by moonlite 33 feet oph.

He remembers Gen. Washington fust rate, and once lent him 10 dollars teu buy a pair ov kaff skin boots with.

He fit in the revolushun, also in the war ov 1812, likewize in the late melee, and sez he won't take sa.s.s now from enny man living.

He iz a hard sh.e.l.l baptiss by religion, and sez he will die for hiz religion.

He waz konverted 150 years ago, and thinks the hard-sh.e.l.l iz the tuffist religion thare iz for every day wear. He sez that one hard sh.e.l.l baptiss ken do more hard work on the same vittles during a hot day than 15 episkopalites.

He haz alwus used plug tobbako from a child, and sez he lernt how teu cheu bi watching a cow cheu her cud.

He haz never drunk enny intoxicating licker but whiskey, and sez that no other licker is helthy. He thinks 3 horns a day iz enuff for helth.

He haz alwus voted the dimokratik ticket for the last 170 years, and walked, last fall, in sloppy weather, 18 miles to vote for Jim Buchanan.

He haint never seen a rale-road yet, nor a wimmin's rite convenshun.

His gratest desire, he tells me, iz teu see Gen. Jackson, and sez that he shall go next year down teu Tennesee teu see him.

[Ill.u.s.tration: JOHN BAs...o...b..]

He fatted a hog last year, with hiz own hands, that weighed 636 pounds after it waz drest and well dried out. He iz very cheerful, and sez he won 7 dollars on the weight ov this hog, out ov one ov the deakons ov the hard-sh.e.l.l church. He deklares this teu be one ov the proudest acksidents ov hiz life, for the deakon waz known far and near az a t.i.te kuss.

He tells me that for 90 years he haz went teu bed at just 17 minnits after 9, and haz arozen at precisely 5 o'clock the next day.

The fust thing he duz in the morning iz teu take a short drink, about 2 inches, and then for an hour before brekfa.s.st he reads the allmanax. (_I will here state that it iz "Josh Billings' Farmers' Almanax" that he reads._)

I asked him hiz opinyun ov gin and milk az a fertilizer. He p.r.o.nounsed it bogus, and sed that the good old hard-sh.e.l.l drink, _whiskey unadorned_, waz the only speerits that never went bak on a man.

Hiz habits are simple. For brekfast he generally et four slices ov psalt pork, 3 biled pertatoze, a couple ov sa.s.sagis, 5 hot bisskit, a dozen ov hard biled eggs, 2 kups ov rhye coffe, a small plate ov slapjax, sum phew pickles, and cold cabbage and vinegar, if thare waz enny left from yesterday's dinner.

Hiz dinner waz alwus a lite one, and he seldum et ennything but sum biled mutton, sum korned beef, sum kold ham, and sum injun puddin tew top oph with.

Hiz suppers were mere nothing, and konsisted simply ov kold psalt pork, kold korned beef, kold biled mutton, and, once in a grate while, a phew slices ov kold ham, with mustard and hoss reddish.

I examined hiz hed and found that he had all the usual b.u.mps in a remarkable state ov preservashun.

He haz a good ear for musik, and whisselled me Yankee Doodle, with variashuns.

He waz born a shumaker, but hasn't done ennything at the trade for the last 125 years. He enjoys the best ov health, but just now he iz teething, which he tells me iz hiz 7th sett.

He iz a firm beleaver in the Darwin theory, and sez he used teu hear hiz grate-grandfather tell ov a race ov men sumwhare down on the coast ov Florida, who had sum little ov the kaudle appendix still remaining.

On the subjekt ov marriage hiz hed seems teu be ded level. He sed "that he had been married 15 times, and proposed again teu Hannah Campbell, a lady in the naberhood, who waz 28 years old."

I asked him what he thought his chances were for obtaining the lady's hand, and he sed "it lay between him and one Theodorus Whitney, a travelling korn doctor," and added "if Whitney didn't look out he would enlarge his head for him."

Upon mi asking him what he attributed his immense life and vigor to, he sed, in a klear and distinkt voice:

"To 3 small horns ov whiskey a day, beleaving in the hard sh.e.l.l doktering, and voting unanimously the demokratik ticket."

I thankt him very mutch for the informashun he had given me ov himself, and asked him if he had enny objekshun to mi putting it into print, and he manifested a great desire that i should do so, not forgetting teu make special menshun ov what he had sed about enlarging Whitney's hed for him, for he thought that would klear him out ov the naberhood.

I left John Bas...o...b..after a deliteful visit ov four hours, and thought over teu miself, if thare waz enny two rules for long life that had been thus far diskovered that waz alike.

The more i thought ov this, the more i wished i could c.u.m akrost Methuseler for a feu minnitts, and hear him tell how he managed.

ELIZIBETH MEACHEM.

Lib Meachem (az she iz familiarly called in the township whare she resides) iz one ov the rarest gems ov extenuated mortality that has ever been mi blessed luk teu enkounter.

She iz not so old az Bas...o...b..bi about two years, being only about 194 years old. Next to Lot's wife she iz the best preserved woman the world kontains.

I reached her place ov residence early in the morning, and in one minnit after i told her mi bizzness her tounge had a phull hed ov steam on, and for 3 hours it run like a stream ov quicksilver down an inklined plain.

I asked her a thousand questions at least, but not one ov them did she answer, but kept talking all the time faster than Pochahontas kan pace down hill teu saddle.

Az near az i could find out she had lived 194 years simply bekauze she couldn't die without cutting short one ov her storys.

I asked her teu show me her tounge--I wanted to see if that member waz badly worn; but she couldn't stop it long enuff teu sho it.

This woman haz reached her ernomus age without enny partikular habit.

She haz outlived every boddy she haz k.u.m akrost, so far, by out-talking them.

The only subject that I could for a moment arrest the flood ov her language with, waz the fashions; but this waz a subjekt upon whitch i unfortunately wan't mutch.

As a last hope ov drawing her out upon sum fakts az teu her mode ov life, i tutched upon that all-absorbing topick teu both old and yung--i refer now teu matrimony.

Her fust husband it seemed, waz a carpenter, and, teu use her own words, "waz too lazy teu talk, or teu listen while she talked, and so he died."

Her seckond husband waz a pretty good talker but a poor listener, and, tharefore, he died.

Her third husband waz a deff and dum man, and, az she remarked, "either he or she had got teu die, and the man died."

Her fourth husband undertook teu out-talk her, and died early.

In this way she went on deskribing her husbands, 12 in all.

Az i roze teu depart i sed teu her sollemly:

"ELIZABETH MEACHEM, yu hav been mutch marrid, and mutch an inkosolate widder--at what time ov life do yu think the marrid state ceazes teu be preferable?"

She replied: