The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 85

Thare iz now and then a man who iz modest, but intensely in earnest, and sutch men sweep everything before them.

The karakter ov the modest man iz a good thing, and a butiful thing tew frame and hang up in a private apartment, but experience teaches us that if we wait for our turn in this world, _our turn_ never seems tew come round.

The cheeky man never enjoys thoze delightful sensations which arize from having yielded tew others; hiz logick iz that the arly bird gits the worm, and, regardless ov all delikasy, he goze for the worm.

Thare seems tew be nothing now daze that will warrant sukcess like cheek, and the more cheek the better, even if you hav az mutch as a mule.

THE LIVE MAN.

The _Live Man_ iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins tew root arly.

He iz the pepper-sa.s.s ov creation--the all-spice ov the world.

One _Live Man_ in a village is like a case ov itch in a distrikt skool--he sets evry boddy scratching at onst.

A man who kan draw New Orleans mola.s.ses in the month ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing "Home! sweet home!" while the molasis iz running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this climate.

The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar--he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.

He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew spare than a skool-boy has Sat.u.r.day afternoons.

He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 months each year.

He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road.

He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy else duz.

The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don't alwus land at the spot he is looking at.

He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country than any other man in it.

He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree.

He don't alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss.

THE FAULT-FINDER.

Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov human critters are alwuss full ov self consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old-bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don't believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing, and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy's small pox, bekause i am a looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and if yu jine in with them yu onla maik them mad with them selfs.

I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels.

Thare are many singular beins in this world, but i fancy the singularest are the spinsters.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN.

Yu inform me, mi dear sir, that yu are a member ov the sosiety "for the prevenshun ov kruelty tew animiles."

Allow me tew simpathize with yu, bi saying, that i am glad ov it.

It iz a n.o.bel inst.i.tushun, and stands _ahed_ ov the prevenshun ov kruelty tew humans.

It iz a fakt, that thoze who are kind tew animiles, are kind tew humans.

I am not acquainted with Mr. Bergh, the president ov yure a.s.sosiashun, whom yu speak ov so kindly, i dont kno him personally, but i kno him at a distance, he is very tall.

In yure letter tew me, yu speak very tenderly about the Injuns, and ask me, "if thare aint sum way, tew alleviate the condishun ov the n.o.bel red man on our frontier."

Yu say yu are willing tew bek.u.m a missionary, and go amung them, and labur for their good.

The injun, mi dear sir, iz a pekuliar kuss.

He haz the most ardent simpathizers amung thoze who dont kno him the muchest.

In the komposishun ov the skool girl, the injun maiden bek.u.ms a brik, and when the boys speak about him, they speak ov his bo and arrows, and hiz n.o.bel natur.

Most people kno the injun from the Hiawatha stand point, but i git mi informashun from the kritter himself.

I dont liv amungst him now, but in the early years ov mi misfortunes, in this lat.i.tude, i bek.u.m striktly acquainted with the n.o.bel injun az he iz, not so mutch az he ought tew be, nor az poets hav tost him up.

I hav saw him in hiz natiff buty at home, and hav mi opinyun ov him, which i am willing tew impart tew yu, at fust cost.

Mi advice tew yu, iz tew stay with Mr. Bergh, and stick tew the stage hoss, and make him az comfortable az yu kan, and not waste enny philanthropy, nor hallelujah, on the border injun.

Thare ain't a more villainous individual, now loafing around loose, on the footstool, than Mr. Lo, the injun.

The minnit an injun bek.u.ms what yu kall civilized, that minnit he iz spilte.

A civilized injun aint ov enny more use tew himself, az a means ov grace, nor ennyboddy else, than a tame deer.

If thare could be found an iland, in the depths of the sea, whare it waz sure, no white man, nor blak man, nor blue man, would ever go, it mite do tew stock it, with the injuns now residing on our border, and let them civilize each other.

I am willing tew admit, thare iz a difference in the various tribes ov injuns.

Sum are wuss than others, but civilizashun haz never been ov enny uze tew an injun.

If yu ask enny border man, one who knos the kritters, he will tell yu the same story.

Sunday skools are a good place tew learn the katekism, and git the hang ov the 10 commandments, but tew kno the injun, mi dear sir, yu must go amungst him.

Yu kant studdy injun, and lay around a meeting house all the time, i am sorry for this, but i dont konsider that i am tew blame for it.