The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 71

If i could only praktiss az well az i kan preach, i would not thank a man tew warrent me in this world nor in the world tew c.u.m.

The kream ov a joke dont never lay on the top, but alwus at the bottom.

Whenever i see a man anxious tew git into a fite that dont belong tew him, i am alwus anxious tew hav him, for i kno he iz certain tew be the wust whipped man in the party.

About all thare iz in mans natur that iz natral iz hiz sins, and about all thare iz in his natur that iz kultivated iz hiz way ov hiding thoze sins.

Pashunce iz oftner the result ov numbness than it iz ov principle.

I dont kno how it iz with other pholks, but with me, the fall ov the Roman empire iz a grate deal eazier tew bear than a fall on the ice.

I dont think thare ever waz a human being yet, who haz met deth without expekting in the last extremity tew be saved from it; even our Saviour uttered that wonderful exklamashun, "My G.o.d! my G.o.d! why hast thou forsaken me?"

I am glad ov one thing, that i am keenly alive tew mental and phisikal suffering--i had az soon be a hydraulik ram az tew be able to sit down and hav a big dubble tooth jerked out without winking.

Thare are but phew men weak enuff tew admit their jealousys--even a disgraced rooster, in a barn-yard, will git a little further off and begin tew crow up a new reputashun.

Thare haz been more men in this world burnt at the stake for serving the Lord than for serving the devil, and thare alwus will be.

I alwus did admire the malice ov the mule--if a freak ov fortune had made me as unfortunate among men az the mule iz amung animals, i would begin tew kick at things a mile and a haff off.

Men no doubt owe mutch ov their suckcess in this world tew chance, but chances dont go for a man, the man must go for the chances.

Econeme iz simply the art ov gitting the wuth ov our money.

Tew work iz the grate law ov natur--if the woodchuck dont dig a hole he wont hav one, it iz trew he may steal one, but then sum other woodchuck will have tew dig two.

Human happiness iz a dredful hard thing tew define. I hav seen a man, perfektly happy without enny shirt tew hiz back, bek.u.m suddenly furious bekauze sumboddy had given him one, the collar ov which wan't starched stiff enuff.

Thare iz a grate deal ov bad luk lieing around loose in this world, but it iz publick property, it dont belong tew ennyboddy in pertikular.

Things haz got so now, if a man stops, he iz a-going tew be run over, for thare aint no man ov consequentz enuff tew stop the whole proceshun.

If I waz a-going tew civilize a parcel of heathen on sum distant ile by the job, i should debate sum time in mi mind which tew send, dancing-masters or missionarys.

We speak ov "_falling in love_," without always thinking that it iz the only way tew git in love--we all stumble into it, and kan seldum tell _how_ or _why_.

One ov the very best things a man kan say when he haz reazonable doubts what he ought tew say, iz tew say _nothing_.

It iz a disgrace tew enny man tew be feared.

Sychophants are alwus the fust ones tew be sakrificed when disasters c.u.m.

In a world like this, whare thare iz at least five false things to one that iz true, guessing iz poor bizzness.

The best kind ov advice tew foller iz that which agrees with our own opinyun.

SOLLUM THOUGHTS.

The _fear_ ov G.o.d iz the philosphy ov religion; the _love_ ov G.o.d iz the charity of religion.

Hope iz a hen that lays more eggs than she kan hatch out.

Better leave yure child virtew than money; but this iz a sekret known only tew a few.

I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain't so.

About the hardest work a ph.e.l.low kan do iz tew spark two galls at once, and preserve a good average.

Prudery iz one ov virtews b.a.s.t.a.r.ds.

A nickname will outline enny man or thing; it iz like the crook in a dogg's taile, you may cut it oph, and throw it behind the barn, but the crook is thare yet, and the stump iz the epitaph.

If yu a.n.a.lize what most men kall plezzure, yu will find it compozed ov one part humbugg, and two parts pain.

When yu haint got nothing tew do, do it at once; this iz the way to learn to be bizzy.

We hav bin told that the best way to overk.u.m misfortunes iz tew fight with them--I hav tried both ways, and recommend a successful dodge.

The art ov becomeing ov importance in the eyes ov others, iz not tew overrate ourself, but tew cauze them tew do it.

The true way to understand the judgments ov heaven is to submit to them.

Method iz everything, espeshily tew ordinary men; the few men who kan lift a ton, at plessure, hav a divine right tew take holt ov it tew a disadvantage.

The mind ov man iz like a piece ov land that, tew be useful, must be manured with learning, ploughed with energy, sown with virtew, and harvested with ekonemy.

Whare religion iz a trade, morality iz a merchandize.

Conversashun should be enlivened with wit, not compozed ov it.

The less a man knows, the more he will guess at; and guessing iz nothing more than suspicion.

Going tew law, iz like skinning a new milch cow for the hide, and giving the meat tew the lawyers.

Death, tew most ov us, iz a kind ov "farewell benefit,"--"positively our last appearance."

Phools are quite often like hornets, verry bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.

Living on Hope, iz like living on wind, a good way tew git phull, but a poor way tew git phatt.

Jealousy don't pay, the best it kan do, iz tew diskover what we don't want tew find, nor don't expekt to.

Sekrets are a mortgage on friendships.