The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 69

Vanity iz often mistaken for wit, but it iz no more like it than gravity iz like wisdum.

Thare iz this difference between a cunning man and a wize one--the cunning one looks thru a mikriskope, the wize one thru a teleskope.

Vanity iz the chief ingredient in every human harte.

Yer will find it az kommon amung slaves and paupers az amung kings and princes.

Bizzy boddys are like p.i.s.smires, alwus in a grate hurry about nothing.

One grate reazon whi every boddy likes the falls ov Niagara so mutch iz, bekauze no one kan make one like it.

Thare iz sum hope ov a man who iz wicked, but not weak.

Debt iz like enny other kind ov a trap, eazy enuff tew git into, but hard enuff tew git out ov.

Thare iz no kind ov flattery so powerful, so subtle, and at the same time so agreeable az deference.

Bare necessitys will support life no doubt, so will the works support a watch, but they both want greasing once in a while, jist a leetle.

Philosophy iz a very good kind ov a teacher, and yu may be able tew liv _by_ it, but yu kant liv _on_ it--hash will tell.

Lazyness weighs eighteen ounces to the pound.

The _history_ ov life iz tew hope and be disapointed, the _viktory_ iz to "never say die."

The way tew _Fame_ iz like klimbing a greast pole; thare aint but phew kan do it, and even then it don't pay.

It iz dredful eazy tew mistake what we _think_ for what we _know_; this iz the way that most ov the lies git born that are traveling around loose.

Ambishun iz like a tred wheel; it knows no limits; yu no sooner git tew the end ov it than you begin agin.

We are never in more danger ov being laft at than when we are laffing at others.

Free living leads tew free thinking, free thinking leads tew free loveing, and free loveing leads to the devil.

It iz az hard work tew make a weak man upright az it iz an empty bag.

Good breeding seems tew be the art ov being superior tew most people, and equal tew all, without letting them kno it.

Children are like vines; they will klimb the pole yu set up for them, be it krooked or strate.

Happiness iz not only the choicest posseshun, but tha cheapest; it kosts nothing, if you only think so.

Idleness, like industry, iz ketching.

The devil iz the father ov lies, but he failed tew git out a pattent for hiz invenshun, and hiz bizzness iz now suffering from competishun.

Maxims tew be good should be az sharp az vinegar, az short az pi krust, and az trew az a pair ov steelyards.

A nickname will outlast all a man's deeds, be they good, bad, or indifferent.

Phun iz the best phisick i kno ov; it iz both cheap and durable.

Conshience iz our private sekretary.

The three gratest luxurys ov life are, a klear conshience, a good appetight, and sound slumber.

Pashion iz like fire, a good servant, but a bad master.

The gay are alwus looking ahead, and the sad are always looking back; it iz a grate pitty they don't change works with each other.

A pedant iz a very learned individual, who mistakes a pop-gun for a pistill.

Perseveranse will conker enny thing but muskeeters; the only way tew conker them iz tew bak out.

A bigot iz a kind ov human ram, with a good deal ov wool over hiz eyes, but no horns.

It dont require but a phew branes tew make up an atheist, for the less a man knows the less he generally beleaves.

The man who tries tew please everyboddy iz az fickle bi natur az a puppy.

Plezzure iz like molla.s.siss, tew mutch ov it spiles the taste for everything.

The most miserable people i kno ov are thoze who make plezzure a bizzness; it iz like sliding down a hill 25 miles long.

Thare iz no seed so sure tew produce a big yield az wild oats, and the krop iz repentance.

Politeness iz like ginger-pop, there ain't mutch nourishment in it, but it haz a pleazant pop and a refreshing flavor.

Profane swaring in a man iz like continual crowing in a barn-yard rooster, a plan tew keep their courage or importanse.

CHICKEN FEED.

Thare iz one kritter in this world whoze trubbles yu kant console, and she iz--a setting hen.

Thoze persons who spend all ov their spare time watching their simptoms, are the kind who enjoy poor health.

Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazes the whole congregashun, he probably haz preached one that the Lord wont endorse.

Evry boddy seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, but he kant bear tew hav ennyboddy else one.

Truth iz the edict ov G.o.d.

The philosophers, az a cla.s.s, are a sett ov old grannys, who possess grate knowledge, part ov which haz bin handed down tew them, and the ballance they guess at.