The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 64

The genuine christians are the laffing ones, the man who haz tew watch hiz morality all the time for fear it will kik up its heels iz phull ov the devil's oats.

Hunting for a honest man iz just about as mutch like work az trieing tew trace out a kat's pedigree.

Most ov the excentricitys we meet with amung men iz mere affektashun.

Pashunce iz a good thing for a man tew hav, provided he don't hav too mutch ov it; thare iz a point at which pashunce begins tew be ignorance.

Take the mistery out ov things and they lose two-thirds of their attrackshun.

When a man iz thoroughly lazy, he iz good for nothing only tew shoot at.

Thare would be but mighty phew sekrets in this world if folks would tend tew their own bizness.

The man who wears out iz like a nimble sixpence--he iz alwus worth the face, and keeps bright to the last.

Yu may make a mistake in a man's kapacity, but yu kant in hiz vanity.

Natur never haff-finishes a job, nor underlets a kontrakt.

Take all the dangers out ov this world and it would be a coward's paradise.

Thare ain't ennything that will kompletely kure lazyness, but i hav known a seckond wife tew hurry it sum.

A good nat.u.r.d man haz got one ov them kind ov souls that will gro ennything that iz planted in it, good, bad, or indiffirent.

Human happiness iz sutch an eazy, simple thing that thoze who hav the most ov it kno it the least.

Thare are men in this world whom flattery makes stronger, bekauze it makes them more kareful; but sutch men are ska.r.s.e.

Yu kant larn a piggin tew fli slo, nor a snail tew trot fast.

The only safe way for most people tew git along in this world iz tew watch others, and do jist az they do.

Human happiness iz like Joseph's coat--a thing of menny colors.

I kant tell which iz the wuss off, the man who iz all hed and no heart, or the one who iz all heart and no hed.

Hope iz no flatterer--she cheats every body alike, but after all, iz the best friend we have got.

Every boddy seems tew dispize a hippokrit--G.o.d, man, and the devil.

An idle man iz always a bizzy one--he spends all hiz time hunting for nothing to do.

Thare are but phew people in this world who make more trouble than a bizzy phool.

Knowledge iz power no doubt, but it iz not always virtew--thare are sum people who only edukate their vices.

Every man should kno sumthing ov law--if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a pretty good lawyer.

Waiting for a ded mans shoes iz just az mean az stealing the shoes before the man dies.

The best reformers are thoze who are all the time trieing tew reform themselfs, thus presenting tew the world _one_ good example, worth at least a dozen precepts.

Rum, dice, and l.u.s.t bring all men tew one common level.

About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the poor _suffer_ misery, while the ritch hav tu _enjoy_ it.

The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon as we git out ov it.

There iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that iz twins.

Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, but if yu du, you'll find you've spilte a very worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel.

STRAY CHILDREN.

I dont think thare iz ennything that a man iz remarkable for, that iz more kultivated, than hiz excentricitys.

[Ill.u.s.tration: STRAY CHILDREN.]

Thare iz this diffrence at least, between _wit_ and _humor_, wit makes yu think, humor makes you laff.

I luv praze, but despise flattery.

I wouldn't giv a shilling a pound for religion that yu kant take ennywhere out into the world with yu, even tew a hoss race, if yu hav a mind tew, without losing it.

Tew do nothing, and tew be ov no use tew ennyboddy, iz the privilege ov wild beasts.

The best way tew convince a phool he iz wrong, iz tew let him hav hiz own way.

The very thing that most men think they have got the most ov, they hav got the least ov, and that iz judgement.

A man iz vain just in proportion tew hiz pholly, and wize, just in proportion tew hiz humility.

A vain man, flushed with success, spreads himself like a peak.o.c.k, in a fair day, but when hiz hour ov trial c.u.ms, like a peak.o.c.k, in a wet day, he folds hiz spread, "and steals silently away."

When vice leaves an old man, it iz no ways certain that virtew takes the place ov it, for sin sumtimes quits us bekause it haz nothing to feed on.

Alwus foller yure own advise, and let other folks foller theirs.

People who havn't got ennything tew say, kan always find the most tew talk about.

Most folks think, if they were tew liv their lives over agin, they would do _different_, but i hav never heard enny ov them propose to liv _better_.