The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 56

Really wize men pay but little attenshun to misterys, but one good mistery will furnish a dozen phools with vittles and drink for a year, and fat the whole ov them besides.

We are all ov us too apt tew judge ov a sin by its size. We will pa.s.s a 10 cent counterfit shin plaster, when we would shudder at a 10 dollar bill.

Mi friend haz got hiz phailings, and that iz one thing that makes me like him so mutch.

Aff.e.c.kshun iz a vine full ov tendrils, and if yu don't phurnish it sumthing better tew climb, it will phurnish itself sumthing wuss; this ackounts for its running after sore eyed lap dogs and sick monkeys.

Poverty iz the step mother ov genius.

Beware ov the man who makes a still noize when he walks, and who purrs when he talks; he iz a kat in disguise.

It iz now 30 years ago since a ph.e.l.low with green goggles on and a white neck tie, offered tew sell me sumthing for 50 cents, whitch he sed waz worth 5 dollars. I've forgot what it waz, but i remember it waz a beat, and az often az once a year ever since, I have tried the same thing over, and got beat every time.

When shame leaves a man, the kandle goes out, and hiz soul gropes its way in the dark, a slave tew mean, and brutal pashuns.

Civilizashun haz made justiss one ov the luxurys, for which we have tew pay the highest price.

Lies are like a bad penny, sure tew return to their owner.

"_Time iz money_,"--menny people take this saying in its literal sense, and undertake tew pay their debts with it.

Competishun iz a good thing, even amung brutes--two dogs on a farm make both dogs more watchful.

Originality in writing haz alwus been praized, but i hav red sum authors who were too original tew be interesting.

Altho the learned and witty often cater to the ritch, thare never waz one yet, however poor, who would swap estates with them.

If a man iz very bizzy he kant be very sorrowful, nor very viscious.

If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz munny--a mere pimp tew hiz welth.

One ov the saddest sights ov all to me, iz an old man, poor and deserted, whom i once knew living in ease and luxury.

I don't think the world haz ever seen a sparkling, brilliant wit yet, who waz not troubled at times with the--_hiccups_.

Silence iz one ov the hardest kind ov arguments tew refute.

The fust thing in this life tew be desired, in the phisikal line, iz a happy set ov bowells, after that, virtew, and branes, are in order.

Justiss now daze aint worth what it kosts.

I've seen men so fun-proof that yu kouldn't fire a joke into them with a dubble-barreled gun.

Thare are people who are so mutch matter-of-fakt in everything, that when they eat pork and beans, they want the pork one day and the beans the next.

If i waz called upon tew tell who waz the bravest man that ever lived, i would say it waz him _who never told a lie_.

The meanest thing that enny man ever followed for a bizzness, iz making money.

Everyboddy luvs tew feel that they are ov sum importanse in this world, even a pauper looks forward tew the day ov his phunerul az the time that he haz got tew be notissed.

PEPPER PODS.

If yu hav got a spirited and n.o.ble boy, appeal tew hiz generosity, if yu hav got a heavy and sullen one appeal tew hiz back.

A grate menny ov our people go abroad tew improve their minds, who hadn't got enny minds when they war at home; knowledge, like charity, shud begin at home, and then spred.

Affickshuns are the compliments that Heaven pays tew the virtewous.

n.o.boddy but a phool will spend hiz time trieing tew convince a phool.

Time iz like money, the less we hav ov it teu spare the further we make it go.

The tounge iz really a verry fa.s.st member ov the boddy politick, he duz all the talking, and two-thirds ov the thinking.

Men who invade the province uv wimmin are alwus jeered at, and how kan wimmin, when they invade the province ov men expekt tew eskape the same kind ov treatment.

He who spends hiz younger days in disapashun iz mortgaging himself tew disseaze and poverty, two inexorable creditors, who are certain tew foreclose at last, and take possession ov the premises.

Thare iz menny a person who kan set a mouse-trap tew perf.e.c.kshun, but not satisfied with sich small game, undertake tew trap for bears, and git ketched bi the bears. MORAL: studdy yure genius, and stick tew mice.

Young man don't marry abuv or below yure rank, not that i think thare iz evry virtew in rank, but thare iz _custom_ in it, and custom often outranks law and gospel.

Let him go, mi son, sed an ancient father tew hiz boy, who had caught a yung rabbit, and when he gits bigger ketch him agin. The boy did az he waz told, and haz been looking for that rabbit ever since.

The world owes all its energys and refinement tew luxurys--digging roots for brekfast and going naked for clothes, iz the virtewous innocence ov a lazy savage.

Thare iz lots ov folks who eat well, and drink well, and sleep well, and yet are sick all the time--theze are the folks who alwus _enjoy poor health_.

If a man hits yu, and you hit him back, yu are even, but if yu don't strike back he iz yure debtor, and alwus owes yu a crack.

A person with a little smattering ov learning, iz a good deal like a hen's egg that haz been sot on for a short time, and then deserted by the hen, it iz spilte for hatching out ennything.

"_People ov good sense_" are thoze whoze opinyuns agree with ours.

Thare iz a grate deal ov magnificent poverty in our big citys, people who eat klam soup out ov a tin basin with a gold spoon.

The place whare poverty, virtew, and love meet and worship together, iz the most sakred spot in this universe.

Experience don't make a man so bold az it duz so careful.

Pride never forgets itself, never haz a play spell or frolik; it iz stiff from morning till night, from top tew bottom, like a sled stake.

Thare ain't but very little ginowine good sense in this world enny how, and what little thare iz ain't in market, it iz held for a dividend.