The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 51

The greatest blessing that the great and good G.o.d can bestow on enny human being iz humility.

Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in gin; but the poetry and the gin, both ov them, are kussid poor.

Thare iz sum excuse for a man being a loafer in the country, whare even natur once in a while takes the liberty to loaf a little; but in a big citty, whare all suckcess depends upon aktivity, a loafer iz a failure, except it be to paste advertis.e.m.e.nts onto.

How natral it iz for a man, when he makes a mistake, to korrekt it by kussing sumboddy else for it.

I never diskuss politiks nor sektarianism; i beleave in letting every man fight hiz rooster hiz own way.

Pride seems tew be quite equally distributed; the man who owns the carriage and the man who drives it seem tew have it just alike.

If we giv up our minds tew little things we never shall be fit for big ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies with one swoop ov his hand than enny boddy else could, and he want good at ennything else.

Human happiness konsists in having what yu want, and wanting what yu hav.

Fortune sumtimes shows us the way, but it iz energy that achieves suckcess.

The richest man in the world is the one who dispizes riches the most.

_Trusting to luck_ is only another name for _trusting to lazyness_.

Fortune never takes enny boddy by the hand, but she often allows them to take her by the hand.

Avarice and lazyness makes the most digusting kind ov a mixtur.

Two thirds ov what is called _love_ iz nothing but jealousy.

Sekrets are like the meazles--they take eazy and spred eazy.

The eazyest thing for our friends to diskover in us, and the hardest thing for us to diskover in ourselfs, iz that we are growing old.

We sumtimes. .h.i.t a thing right the fust blow, but most always a suckcess iz the result ov menny failures.

The heart rules the hed, bekauze the pashuns rule the judgement.

Advice iz like kissing--it don't kost nothing, and iz a pleazant thing to do.

One ov the most diffikult, and at the same time one ov the most necessary, things for us old ph.e.l.lows to know, iz that we aint ov so mutch ackount now az we waz.

CHIPS.

Dont mistake a dounkast eye for modesty, dounkast eyes are often on the lookout sideways.

"It is one thing tew _take_ the chances, and quite another thing tew _find_ them.

"It is not the whole ov our duty tew foller the examples ov good men, but tew leave behind us sum decent tracks for others tew foller.

"Rumor is a spark at fust, then a fire, then a conflagrashun, and then ashes.

"The wust enemy that a man kan hav is flattery, it is wuss than abuse; it is better tew be knocked endways by a foe than tew be blowed up sideways with the quill of a windy friend.

"Death is a cessation ov hosstilitys; a flag ov truce; to the righteous a gain, and tew the wicked no loss.

"If you are looking after happiness don't take the turnpike, take one ov the byroads, yu will avoid the tollgates, and find it less crowded and dursty.

"Mutch buty iz like the strawberry, soon out ov season, but exquisit while it duz last, and like the strawberry, ain't perfekt without a good deal ov sugar.

"Rules for long life are like gide boards tew a deserted citty.

"Hipokrasy is one ov the vices that yu kant konvert, ya might az well undertake tew git the wiggle out ov a snake, or the grease out ov fat pork.

"A witty writer is like a porkupine, hiz quill makes no distinktion between a friend and a foe.

"About one-half the disc.u.mfert ov this life iz the result ov gitting tired ov ourselfs.

"Solitude wud be an excellent place tew go to if a man could leave his baggage (or _sin_) behind him.

"He that marrys a christian woman iz the son-in-law ov Divine Providence.

"Menny a young person haz died old by living a long time after they waz dead, and menny an old person haz died long before their time c.u.m by being dead while they waz a living.

"Precepts are poor stuff tew bring up young ones on, it iz like sending them down cellar without enny kandle tew larn them tew see in the dark.

"Thare iz no sutch thing az acksidents, if one thing happens by acksident awl things may; Heaven haz no beureau ov acksidents.

"We should be kerful how we encourage luxurys, it iz but a step forward from hoe-cake to plum-puddin, but it iz a mile and a half, by the nearest road, when we hav tew go back agin.

"Smiles and tears c.u.m from the same fountain, and az the showers ov heaven are followed by the sunshine, tew gladden the earth, so duz joy follow sadness, tew make the soul cheerful.

"Thare iz just az mutch jelousy, (it iz only less dangerous) among the lowly az among the ritch; the poor devil with a whole loaf under hiz arm, iz the lord of hiz naberhood, and the half loaves look on with envious wonder, while he struts up and down the alley.

"We only love them that we fear. This may be only one of my lies, but it looks so tew me from where i stand now.

"The best condishun in life iz not to be so ritch az tew be envyed, nor so poor az to be d.a.m.ned.

"Iz it charity tew giv tew a thankless cuss in need? certainly; jest az mutch az it would be to save a drouning cow.

"Just praize iz the vernakular ov good deeds.

"Whare thare iz grate virtue, thare must hav bin grate vices, or else a very poor sile, that raizes nothing but what haz bin planted, and well tended and manured at that.

"Revenge iz jist az natral as milk, yu will see little bits ov boys club the post that they b.u.mp their heads aginst."