The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 121

Jews harps are a one stringed instrument, held between the teeth, blowed on gently, and tickled with the fore-finger. The musik which they yield is balmy, but looses much of its melloness unless played upon bi a bull frog. I hav listened for hours at a bull frog playing on a Jews harp, and wept like a child. This iz the kind a musik that enters mi soul like a sister ov charity out ov a job. I hav a yung female bull frog now in mi employ, who plays the Jews harp quite bully for one ov her s.e.x. Sum people must hav opera musik or they aint helthy, but giv me the liquid Jews harp, tickled bi the yung and impashioned bull frog.

If i waz ritch i would buy me two akers ov swamp ground, issue proposals for a millyun ov Jews harps, and set every bull frog on mi farm to instrumental musik.

Thare are others who aint happy unless they kan hear the pensiv murmers ov the ba.s.s drum, or the hoa.r.s.e gutteral ov the trombone, or the pig like laffing ov the fife, or the jigger ov the banjo and the bones.

I hav nothing but pitty for sich depraved tasted critters, and look forward, with the joyful gush ov a missionary, to the time when bull frogs will set under every vine and fig tree, tickling the buzzom ov a Jews harp.

If i kan hav plenty ov Jews harps, and a bull frog, i dont kare if i dont never hear a hand orgin agin.

[Ill.u.s.tration: 4 LETTERS.]

_Mister Bates._--The best kind ov bate for a rat, iz toasted cheeze, and the best kind ov a trap, iz the one, that will ketch them the oftenest, and hang onto them the most. It aint always a sure thing tew ketch a rat bi the tail, i hav knew them tew bight oph their tail, just outside ov the jaws ov the trap, and thus save their rat meat.

Bob tailed rats hav ceased tew be a curiosity to me long ago.

Once i should hav looked upon a bob-tailed rat with mingled pheelings ov pitty, and suprise, but them daze hav fled from me, i look upon a bob-tailed rat now, as a cluss bizzness transackshun.

Rats are one ov the far-famed butys ov civilashun, they wont live in the wildernes, and i wouldn't if i waz they.

Sum folks are so enlightened they kant bear rats, but az i lay in mi bed, at mi boarding hous, at the deceased hours ov night, it iz one ov mi priviliges, tew hear the rats chawing holes throu the base boards, and playing tag in the wainscote.

Rats are very prolifick, one pair ov a.s.sorted rats, will keep a phamily in rats for years.

Rats are very easy tew keep, thare aint but phew things but what they will eat, and them phew things are locked up.

Rats are not a subjekt ov diet in this country, but i am told bi missionarys, that rat pi, iz thick in China.

I shouldn't wonder if rat pi might be good, but i hav alwus accustomed mi self to plain vittles.

_Mister Barnes._--Hash iz made out ov cast oph vittles.

Hash haz done more for the human race ov man than almost enny other breed ov food.

For breakfast, a small tender-lion steak, sum few ham & eggs, 3 baked potatoze, a plate of b.u.t.tered toast, sum slap jacks, 2 cups of coffy, and sum hash iz good.

I like to eat hash this way better than enny other.

Sum pholks alwuz raize their noze up at hash.

If yu search history, with one eye, yu will find theze folks, 20, or 30 years ago, more or less, were born on hash.

I hav seen hash miself, that i had mi doubts about, but i et it, and still liv.

I love hash as a principle, and this iz mi rule, i watch the landlady, and if she eats it, i take the sekond plate.

This makes me very popular at all the boarding houses which I attend.

If folks would be a leetle more penurious with their hash, and not git stubs ov tallo kandles, babys morocko shoes, and now and then a fine tooth comb, that want more than half worn out, into their hash, hash would stand to day, at the head of all mux food.

_Mister Bartlett._--Ov all the animals who waz brought akrost the waters, into this country, by that grate improver ov the breed ov kattle Noah, i consider the cow the most respektable.

A cow iz a kind ov old aunt in the family.

I dont kno ov a more honest, and salubrious sight, than a brindle cow, that wont kik, and who gives 10 quarts ov milk that aint watered.

It iz unkommon hard to git a cow to giv milk that aint watered now daze, thare iz a grate difference in cows about this.

It iz sed the cowc.u.mber derives its name from the cow, but whether this iz so, or not, i kant find out.

Probably it iz, becauze they resemble the cow so mutch.

The cowc.u.mber c.u.ms under the hed ov gardin sa.s.s, and they gro on a running vine, and the vine kan beat every vine running, for 100 yards, in Amerika, after it gits started.

They are a little balky about starting.

I hav known a cowc.u.mber vine to run 15 foot in one night besides giving birth to 7 young cowc.u.mbers on the way.

Kowc.u.mbers kut up into thin slices, and rooled in peper, and psalt, and soaked in vinegar, are good, for a sharp pain in the hebdominal region.

A cowc.u.mber iz about the only thing that i kan remember ov now, that iz good for nothing, after it reaches perfektshun.

_Mister Boggs._--Yure letter, informing me ov the loss ov yure dog, reached me by yesterday's male.

I know how to commune with you, Boggs, for i hav been deprived ov a dog once miself.

I lost a most flattering purp on the 16th day of March three years ago.

I found him ded in a vakant lot, near mi house.

He probably had been struck with lightning, or sumthin else.

He waz a most gifted pup, and could jerk a night-gown oft from a clothes line, or worry a goose, most butiful tew behold.

He waz a bul pup, but iz no more.

Tiger waz hiz fust name.

I hav made up mi mind never to own enny more dog.

Dog comfort, in this world iz, like all other joy, liable to leak.

Human happiness iz skase enny how, and wants too mutch watching, to be invested in dorgs.

JOSH SETTLES UP WITH HIS CORRESPONDENTS SUMMARILY.