The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 111

Yesterday i picked one quart ov field strawberrys, kaught 27 trout, and gathered a whole parcell ov wintergreen leaves, a big daze work.

When i got home last night tired, no man kould hav bought them ov me for 700 dollars, but i suppoze, after all, that it waz the _tired_ that waz wuth the munny.

Thare is a grate deal ov raw bliss, in gitting tired.

Dear Mr. ----, good-bye, it iz now 9 oclk, P. M., and every thing, in New Ashford, iz fast asleep, inkluding the krickets, I will just step out and see if the mountain iz thare, and then I will go to bed too.

Oh! the bliss ov living up in New Ashford, cluss bi the side ov a grate giant mountain tew guard yu, whare every thing iz az still as a boys tin whissell at midnite, a musketo couldn't liv long enuff tew take one bite, whare board iz only 4 dollars a week, and everyboddy, kats and all, at 9 clok, P. M., are fast asleep, and snoreing.

BENDS.

Historians and biographers having refused tew giv enny transparent account ov the various _Bends_ that hav got into things, us naturalists have pa.s.sed a resolushun tew take them up az a kind ov estrays, and tew treat of them in a joyful and flexible manner.

The most butiful, az well az truest bilt _Bend_, in this grate republick, iz the rainbow.

For the informashun ov the scholler we shall simply state that this _Bend_ iz only seen in the east, and haz not yet reached the west, altho the enterprising people who liv in thoze parts undoubtedly will soon hav them, on a mutch bigger and improved plan.

_Bends_ are both natral and artyfishall, and among the natral ones it will, perhaps, be well enuff tew menshun north _Bend_, in the State ov Ohio, the home ov General Harrison, formerly a President ov the grate republick; and also south _Bend_, in the State ov Indiana, the residence ov Schuyler Colfax, who, while i am putting down these remarks, iz running very fast for the Vice Presidency ov this grate republick with a certainty ov winning that iz butiful tew behold.

(Later--He haz won.)

Another wonderful and awe-inspiring _Bend_ in this grate republick is the political _Bend_.

This _Bend_ iz az common and az limber az the figger 8.

It kan stand on her hed, or on her feet, or lay down on her side, and be the same thing all the time.

It kan turn a summerset over backwards, or back a summersett over forwards.

Menny ov our most n.o.ble pollyticians hav bent theirselfs in diffrent spots so often that they travel like a sick snake.

Thare iz one little _Bend_, prakticed bi both old and young men, that haz opened the way for more anguish than awl the other crooks in the world put in a heap together, i mean the elbo _Bend_, that cauzes the mout tew fly apart on its hinges, and let the burglar whiskee tew rob the brain ov its patrimony reazon, and illuminate the soul with the torchlights ov the devil.

In life matrimonial we hav the conjugaler _Bend_, which brings a man down on the hard pan ov hiz knees, and makes him az eazy, and interesting tew handle as a rat in a steel trap.

This iz a good _Bend_ tew take once in a while, but never ought tew git chronick.

This puts me in mind tew soliliquize az follows:--a household, with a woman at the top ov it, and a man at the bottom ov it, iz one ov thoze concerns whare the wife haz authority without power, whare the yung ones are sa.s.sy without reproach, and whare the husband iz meek without virtew.

In fashionabel life a new _Bend_ haz just appeared, (August 19th, 1868,) which iz under the patronage ov both genders, the fop and the belle.

This iz a dorsal _Bend_ near the back fin, and gives the wearers ov it, when in moshun, the appearance ov a hen turkey making for a woodshed in a heavy shower ov rain.

I kno ov no meaning or apology for this crook, only the name ov it, it iz called the Grecian _Bend_, which iz expekted tew sanktify it.

I don't kno how the present inhabitants ov Greece do their travelling; they are about played out, and may be hump backed. But if Solan, the ancient wisdom maker and law-giver ov Athens, had caught one ov hiz gals with this gorge in her back, i will bet 10 dollars he would hav ordered it taken oph with a jack-plane.

How long this knapsack gait will continnew to be fashionabel in New York, the home ov folly, whare just now it iz being experimented with, i am unabel tew reply, but i hope not long enuff tew transmit the hump tew posterity.

I love mi fair yung countrywimmin with a gladness bordering on delirium tremens, and when a native ov Madagascar, not more than haff civilized, asked me the other day, on Broadway, what ailed all the yung squaws he met, i waz forced tew hide a tear, and reply hurriedly, in lo Duch:

"Nix for stix!" and shook oph the Madagaskine cuss quick.

I don't know ov but one thing now that but few would hanker for, if it should ever bek.u.m fashionabel again, and that iz good, square, pony-bilt common sense, without enny _Bend_ in it.

Common sense in these times haz tew beg for a living.

What an awful thing it would be if this Grecian _Bend_ should refuse tew let go its holt, by-and-by, when sum nu crook in sum other part ov the boddy should hump itself! What a lot ov unsaleable females we should hav thrust on the market!

I am in favour ov enny fashion that iz not an open insult tew natur, but i kant bear tew see natur hit in the small ov the back; it iz a cowardly blow on an aimabel critter, whose greatest pleasure iz tew harm n.o.boddy.

KOLIDING.

The wurd "kolide," used bi ralerode men, haz an indefinit meaning tew menny folks.

Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew translate the wurd so that enny man kan understand it at onst.

The term "kolide" is used tew explain the sark.u.mstanse ov 2 trains ov cars triing tew pa.s.s each uther on a single trak.

[Ill.u.s.tration: TEW LATE FUR THE TRANE.]

It is ced that it never yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a "kolide."

JOSH BILLINGS.

Amerikans love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew colone-water, if they had tew drink either.

So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half-sh.e.l.l with cayenne.

An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz willing tew wait till next day before he tastes it.

If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick.

An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don't luv tew make a bizzness ov it; he works, eats, and hawhaws on a canter.