The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 102

The crab iz kaught in endless confusion at _Plezzure Bay_, cluss bi Long Branch.

He iz kaught bi tieing a hard knot on the other end ov a string, and then dropping the string down in the water, and tickling the bottom ov hiz feet with the knot, in this way, sumtimes he iz kaught, and sumtimes he iz knot.

The musketo iz az natral to Nu Jersee az Jersee litening iz.

The musketo iz a marvelous kuss, but whi he ever waz allowed tew take out hiz papers, and travel, iz unknown to me, or enny ov mi near relashuns.

If he haz enny destiny tew fill, it must be his stummuk, for he iz the biggest bore, ackording tew the size ov hiz gimblet, i hav ever met seldom. It dont look well for a philosopher tew be fracktious at enny thing, not even a bugg, but if enny boddy ever hears me swear (out loud) he may know thare haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi premises.

I c.u.m tew Long Branch (in company with mi wife) at the opening ov the season, and put up at the Continental Hotel, and intend now to keep putting up thare, untill the house shuts up, if i hav tew klimb the flag-staff to do it.

Every boddy who puts up at this hotel, iz allowed tew put up regular, once a week, for hiz board, and promiskuss things.

Thare iz a blessed privilege, which sum folks kant never enjoy, untill they are deprived ov it.

It will then be forever too late.

I am one ov them cunning kritters, who, when they find a good hotel, a 225 pound landlord, and polite officials, dwell with them heavily.

I hav sed before (in writing about hotels) that almost enny boddy thinks they know how tew keep a hotel (_and they do know how_) but this ackounts for the grate number ov kussid poor hotels, all over the country.

BILLIARDS.

Everyboddy seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist bin diskovered, called billyards.

It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding bags which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel.

It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on.

They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end ov it.

Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which sends it agin the next one's belly, and so on, till the other fellows turn fur punching comes on.

But yu ought tew see the game; it kant be delineated bi words.

One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink.

Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell, and so it goes on till 2 o'clock in the morning; then each goes hum, having enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps; but the muscles in their breast are so expanded that they can't ketch the consumption nor the smaul pox.

_This iz billyards._

HABITS OF GRATE MEN.

Habits are like korns on the little toze, the result ov t.i.te boots.

Habits are likewize the krooks in an ordinary dorg's tale natral az life, but seldum useful, or ornamental.

George Washington Crab, Esq., the wonderful astromenor ov the 4th century, alwus took hiz observashuns ov the suns perigammut on one bended knee, with hiz eye tooth buried to the kore in a sour apple, and hiz left shin-bone bandaged, with a solution ov sheet iron.

[Ill.u.s.tration: HABITS OF GRATE MEN.]

In this way he discovered _cansir_, one ov the signs of the zodiac, and it haz ever since bore his name in English.

George also wore an uprite collar, about one foot in upriteness and alwus used kats intestines, for shew strings.

He waz a grate man, and had sum habits.

He died in due time.

And haint bin seen since.

His widdow waz inconsolable for a large amount. Hiz widdow iz also no more now, she coiled oph this mortal shuffle in good shape, at the reasonable age of 86.

If her aktual ashes are still extant, i say boldly, "peace tew her ashes."

If her ashes kant be found, i am willing to be one ov ten to make enny other arrangements that will pay.

Rev. Moses Bickerstaff wrote those famous sermons ov hiz, that shook the moral firmament from dan to bersheebe, upon the head ov a flower barrel, with a bony pen made from the dorsal feather finis ov an untamed osstrich.

He used ink made from an extrakt ov mid-nite, combined with the perspiration ov a confirmed Ethiopian.

He also kultivated the ambishun ov hiz little finger nail which grew to bee about 8 feet in longevity.

He had a way ov leering with hiz left eye, when he preached, which history sez was cussid good.

Bickerstaff haz had a hoste ov immitators, but they are like the millers who fly at a kandle, he cooks them all.

Bickerstaff wore hiz hat without enny brim to it, nor enny crown, and alwus put on hiz left boot last. He, like all thoze who lived before the flood, iz now deperted to deth, but hiz way ov doing things (on the hed ov a flower barrell), tho often tried on, haz never bin badly beat yet.

Doktor Henry Magnum, M. D., waz a doktor.

He waz rather a weak sister, and alwus rode sideways on a side-saddle.

He had one strong point, he never giv up a pashunt until he waz plumb ded.

His exsentricitys waz theze.

He alwus used a wodden spoon, made out ov wood.

When he eat, hiz mouth always flu open, to the crook ov hiz elbo.