The Complete Poems of Sir Thomas Moore Part 211

First, thy care, oh King, devote To Dame Eldon's petticoat.

Make it of that silk whose dye Shifts for ever to the eye, Just as if it hardly knew Whether to be pink or blue.

Or--material fitter yet-- If thou couldst a remnant get Of that stuff with which, of old, Sage Penelope, we're told, Still by doing and undoing, Kept her _suitors_ always wooing-- That's the stuff which I p.r.o.nounce, is Fittest for Dame Eldon's flounces.

After this, we'll try thy hand, Mantua-making Ferdinand, For old Goody Westmoreland; One who loves, like Mother Cole, Church and State with all her soul; And has past her life in frolics Worthy of our Apostolics.

Choose, in dressing this old flirt, Something that won't show the dirt, As, from habit, every minute Goody Westmoreland is in it.

This is all I now shall ask, Hie thee, monarch, to thy task; Finish Eldon's frills and borders, Then return for further orders.

Oh what progress for our sake, Kings in millinery make!

Ribands, garters, and such things, Are supplied by _other_ Kings-- Ferdinand his rank denotes By providing petticoats.

HAT _VERSUS_ WIG.

1827.

"At the interment of the Duke of York, Lord Eldon, in order to guard against the effects of the damp, stood upon his hat during the whole of the ceremony."

--_metus omnes et inexorabile fatum subjecit pedibus, strepitumque Acherontis avari_.

'Twixt Eldon's Hat and Eldon's Wig There lately rose an altercation,-- Each with its own importance big, Disputing _which_ most serves the nation.

Quoth Wig, with consequential air, "Pooh! pooh! you surely can't design, "My worthy beaver, to compare "Your station in the state with mine.

"Who meets the learned legal crew?

"Who fronts the lordly Senate's pride?

"The Wig, the Wig, my friend--while you "Hang dangling on some peg outside.

"Oh! 'tis the Wig, that rules, like Love, "Senate and Court, with like _eclat_-- "And wards below and lords above, "For Law is Wig and Wig is Law!

"Who tried the long, _Long_ WELLESLEY suit, "Which tried one's patience, in return?

"Not thou, oh Hat!--tho' _couldst_ thou do't, "Of other _brims_[1] than thine thou'dst learn.

"'Twas mine our master's toil to share; "When, like 'Truepenny,' in the play,[2]

"He, every minute, cried out 'Swear,'

"And merrily to swear went they;--[3]

"When, loath poor WELLESLEY to condemn, he "With nice discrimination weighed, "Whether 'twas only 'h.e.l.l and Jemmy,'

Or 'h.e.l.l and Tommy' that he played.

"No, no, my worthy beaver, no-- "Tho' cheapened at the cheapest hatter's, "And smart enough as beavers go "Thou ne'er wert made for public matters."

Here Wig concluded his oration, Looking, as wigs do, wondrous wise; While thus, full c.o.c.kt for declamation, The veteran Hat enraged replies:--

"Ha! dost thou then so soon forget "What thou, what England owes to me?

"Ungrateful Wig!--when will a debt, "So deep, so vast, be owed thee?

"Think of that night, that fearful night, "When, thro' the steaming vault below, "Our master dared, in gout's despite, "To venture his podagric toe!

"Who was it then, thou boaster, say "When thou hadst to thy box sneaked off, "Beneath his feet protecting lay, "And saved him from a mortal cough?

"Think, if Catarrh had quenched that sun, "How blank this world had been to thee!

"Without that head to shine upon, "Oh Wig, where would thy glory be?

"You, too, ye Britons,--had this hope "Of Church and State been ravisht from ye, "Oh think, how Canning and the Pope "Would then have played up 'h.e.l.l and Tommy'!

"At sea, there's but a plank, they say, "'Twixt seamen and annihilation; "A Hat, that awful moment, lay "'Twixt England and Emanc.i.p.ation!

"Oh!!!--"

At this "Oh!!!" _The Times_ Reporter Was taken poorly, and retired; Which made him cut Hat's rhetoric shorter, Than justice to the case required.

On his return, he found these shocks Of eloquence all ended quite; And Wig lay snoring in his box, And Hat was--hung up for the night.

[1] "_Brim_--a naughty woman."--GROSE.

[2]"_Ghost_[beneath].--Swear!

"_Hamlet_.--Ha, ha! say'st thou so!

Art thou there, Truepenny? Come on."

[3] His Lordship's demand for fresh affidavits was incessant.

THE PERIWINKLES AND THE LOCUSTS.

A SALMAGUNDIAN HYMN.

"To Panurge was a.s.signed the Laird-ship of Salmagundi, which was yearly worth 6,789,106,789 ryals besides the revenue of the _Locusts_ and _Periwinkles_, amounting one year with another to the value of 2,485,768," etc.--RABELAIS.

"Hurra! hurra!" I heard them say, And they cheered and shouted all the way, As the Laird of Salmagundi went.

To open in state his Parliament.

The Salmagundians once were rich, Or thought they were--no matter which-- For, every year, the Revenue From their Periwinkles larger grew; And their rulers, skilled in all the trick And legerdemain of arithmetic, Knew how to place 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 and 10, Such various ways, behind, before, That they made a unit seem a score, And proved themselves most wealthy men!

So, on they went, a prosperous crew, The people wise, the rulers clever-- And G.o.d help those, like me and you, Who dared to doubt (as some now do) That the Periwinkle Revenue Would thus go flourishing on for ever.

"Hurra! hurra!" I heard them say, And they cheered and shouted all the way, As the Great Panurge in glory went To open his own dear Parliament.