The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 15

JULIA. How would I play it? Now, let me see--let me see.

(Considering.) Ah, I have it!

BALLAD--JULIA.

How would I play this part-- The Grand Duke's Bride?

All rancour in my heart I'd duly hide-- I'd drive it from my recollection And 'whelm you with a mock affection, Well calculated to defy detection-- That's how I'd play this part-- The Grand Duke's Bride.

With many a winsome smile I'd witch and woo; With gay and girlish guile I'd frenzy you-- I'd madden you with my caressing, Like turtle, her first love confessing-- That it was "mock", no mortal would be guessing, With so much winsome wile I'd witch and woo!

Did any other maid With you succeed, I'd pinch the forward jade-- I would indeed!

With jealous frenzy agitated (Which would, of course, be simulated), I'd make her wish she'd never been created-- Did any other maid With you succeed!

And should there come to me, Some summers hence, In all the childish glee Of innocence, Fair babes, aglow with beauty vernal, My heart would bound with joy diurnal!

This sweet display of sympathy maternal, Well, that would also be A mere pretence!

My histrionic art Though you deride, That's how I'd play that part-- The Grand Duke's Bride!

ENSEMBLE.

ERNEST. JULIA.

Oh joy! when two glowing young My boy, when two glowing hearts, young hearts

From the rise of the curtain, From the rise of the curtain, Thus throw themselves into their Thus throw themselves into their parts, parts, Success is most certain! Success is most certain!

If the role you're prepared to endow The role I'm prepared to endow With such delicate touches, With most delicate touch- es, By the heaven above us, I vow By the heaven above us, I vow You shall be my Grand d.u.c.h.ess! I will be your Grand d.u.c.h.ess!

(Dance.)

Enter all the Chorus with LUDWIG, NOTARY, and LISA--all greatly agitated.

EXCITED CHORUS.

My goodness me! What shall we do? Why, what a dreadful situation!

(To LUD.) It's all your fault, you b.o.o.by you--you lump of indiscrimination!

I'm sure I don't know where to go--it's put me into such a tetter-- But this at all events I know--the sooner we are off, the better!

ERN. What means this agitato? What d'ye seek?

As your Grand Duke elect I bid you speak!

SONG--LUDWIG.

Ten minutes since I met a chap Who bowed an easy salutation-- Thinks I, "This gentleman, mayhap, Belongs to our a.s.sociation."

But, on the whole, Uncertain yet, A sausage-roll I took and eat-- That chap replied (I don't embellish) By eating three with obvious relish.

CHORUS (angrily). Why, gracious powers, No chum of ours Could eat three sausage-rolls with relish!

LUD. Quite rea.s.sured, I let him know Our plot--each incident explaining; That stranger chuckled much, as though He thought me highly entertaining.

I told him all, Both bad and good; I bade him call-- He said he would: I added much--the more I muckled, The more that chuckling chummy chuckled!

ALL (angrily). A bat could see He couldn't be A chum of ours if he chuckled!

LUD. Well, as I bowed to his applause, Down dropped he with hysteric bellow-- And that seemed right enough, because I am a devilish funny fellow.

Then suddenly, As still he squealed, It flashed on me That I'd revealed Our plot, with all details effective, To Grand Duke Rudolph's own detective!

ALL. What folly fell, To go and tell Our plot to any one's detective!

CHORUS.

(Attacking LUDWIG.) You b.o.o.by dense-- You oaf immense, With no pretence To common sense!

A stupid m.u.f.f Who's made of stuff Not worth a puff Of candle-snuff!

Pack up at once and off we go, unless we're anxious to exhibit Our fairy forms all in a row, strung up upon the Castle gibbet!

[Exeunt Chorus. Manent LUDWIG, LISA, ERNEST, JULIA, and NOTARY.

JULIA. Well, a nice mess you've got us into! There's an end of our precious plot! All up--pop--fizzle--bang--done for!

LUD. Yes, but--ha! ha!--fancy my choosing the Grand Duke's private detective, of all men, to make a confidant of! When you come to think of it, it's really devilish funny!

ERN. (angrily). When you come to think of it, it's extremely injudicious to admit into a conspiracy every pudding-headed baboon who presents himself!

LUD. Yes--I should never do that. If I were chairman of this gang, I should hesitate to enrol any baboon who couldn't produce satisfactory credentials from his last Zoological Gardens.

LISA. Ludwig is far from being a baboon. Poor boy, he could not help giving us away--it's his trusting nature--he was deceived.

JULIA (furiously). His trusting nature! (To LUDWIG.) Oh, I should like to talk to you in my own language for five minutes--only five minutes! I know some good, strong, energetic English remarks that would shrivel your trusting nature into raisins--only you wouldn't understand them!

LUD. Here we perceive one of the disadvantages of a neglected education!

ERN. (to JULIA). And I suppose you'll never be my Grand d.u.c.h.ess now!

JULIA. Grand d.u.c.h.ess? My good friend, if you don't produce the piece how can I play the part?

ERN. True. (To LUDWIG.) You see what you've done.

LUD. But, my dear sir, you don't seem to understand that the man ate three sausage-rolls. Keep that fact steadily before you. Three large sausage-rolls.

JULIA. Bah!--Lots of people eat sausage-rolls who are not conspirators.

LUD. Then they shouldn't. It's bad form. It's not the game. When one of the Human Family proposes to eat a sausage-roll, it is his duty to ask himself, "Am I a conspirator?" And if, on examination, he finds that he is not a conspirator, he is bound in honour to select some other form of refreshment.

LISA. Of course he is. One should always play the game.

(To NOTARY, who has been smiling placidly through this.) What are you grinning at, you greedy old man?

NOT. Nothing--don't mind me. It is always amusing to the legal mind to see a parcel of laymen bothering themselves about a matter which to a trained lawyer presents no difficulty whatever.

ALL. No difficulty!

NOT. None whatever! The way out of it is quite simple.

ALL. Simple?

NOT. Certainly! Now attend. In the first place, you two men fight a Statutory Duel.

ERN. A Statutory Duel?

JULIA. A Stat-tat-tatutory Duel! Ach! what a crack-jaw language this German is!

LUD. Never heard of such a thing.

NOT. It is true that the practice has fallen into abeyance through disuse. But all the laws of Pfennig Halbpfennig run for a hundred years, when they die a natural death, unless, in the meantime, they have been revived for another century. The Act that inst.i.tutes the Statutory Duel was pa.s.sed a hundred years ago, and as it has never been revived, it expires to-morrow. So you're just in time.

JULIA. But what is the use of talking to us about Statutory Duels when we none of us know what a Statutory Duel is?

NOT. Don't you? Then I'll explain.

SONG--NOTARY.

About a century since, The code of the duello To sudden death For want of breath Sent many a strapping fellow.

The then presiding Prince (Who useless bloodshed hated), He pa.s.sed an Act, Short and compact, Which may be briefly stated.

Unlike the complicated laws A Parliamentary draftsman draws, It may be briefly stated.

ALL. We know that complicated laws, Such as a legal draftsman draws, Cannot be briefly stated.