The Colloquies of Erasmus Part 61

_Xa._ Ay, but he's too ill-natur'd to be wrought upon by all the kind Offices in the World.

_Eu._ Hold, don't say so, there is no Beast that is so savage but he may be tam'd by good Management; therefore don't despair of it as to a Man.

Do but make the Experiment for a few Months, and if you do not find that this Advice has been of Benefit to you, blame me. And there are also some Faults that you must wink at; but above all Things, it is my Opinion, you ought to avoid ever to begin any Quarrel either in the Bed-Chamber, or in Bed, and to take a special Care that every Thing there be chearful and pleasant. For if that Place which is consecrated for the wiping out old Miscarriages and the cementing of Love, comes to be unhallowed by Contention and Sourness of Temper, all Remedy for the Reconcilement is taken away. For there are some Women of so morose Tempers that they will be querulous, and scold even while the Rites of Love are performing, and will by the Uneasiness of their Tempers render that Fruition itself disagreeable which is wont to discharge the Minds of Men from any Heart-burning, that they may have had; and by this Means they spoil that Cordial, by which Misunderstandings in Matrimony might be cured.

_Xa._ That has been often my Case.

_Eu._ And tho' it ought always to be the Care of a Wife, not to make her Husband uneasy in any Thing; yet that ought to be especially her Care to study, in conjugal Embraces to render herself by all ways possible, agreeable and delightful to her Husband.

_Xa._ To a Man, indeed! But I have to do with an untractable Beast.

_Eu._ Come, come, leave off Railing. For the most part Husbands are made bad, by our bad Conduct. But to return to our Argument, those that are conversant in the antient Fables of the Poets, tell you that _Venus_, (whom they make a G.o.ddess, that presides over Matrimony) had a Girdle or _Cestus_ which was made for her by _Vulcan's_ Art, in which were interwoven all bewitching Ingredients of an amorous Medicament, and that she put this on whenever she went to bed to her Husband.

_Xa._ I hear a Fable.

_Eu._ It is true: But hear the Moral of it.

_Xa._ Tell it me.

_Eu._ That teaches that a Wife ought to use all the Care imaginable to be so engaging to her Husband in conjugal Embraces, that matrimonial Affection may be retain'd and renew'd, and if there has been any Distaste or Aversion, it may be expell'd the Mind.

_Xa._ But where can a Body get this Girdle?

_Eu._ There is no Need of Witchcrafts and Spells to procure one. There is no Enchantment so effectual as Virtue, join'd with a Sweetness of Disposition.

_Xa._ I can't be able to bring myself to humour such a Husband as I have got.

_Eu._ But this is for your Interest, that he would leave off to be such a bad Husband. If you could by _Circe_'s Art transform your Husband into a Swine or a Bear, would you do it?

_Xa._ I can't tell, whether I should or no.

_Eu._ Which had you rather have, a Swine to your Husband, or a Man?

_Xa._ In Truth, I had rather have a Man.

_Eu._ Well, come on. What if you could by _Circe_'s Arts make him a sober Man of a Drunkard, a frugal Man of a Spendthrift, a diligent Man of an idle Fellow, would you not do it?

_Xa._ To be sure, I would do it. But how shall I attain the Art?

_Eu._ You have the Art in yourself, if you would but make Use of it.

Whether you will or no he must be your Husband, and the better Man you make him, the more you consult your own Advantage. You only keep your Eyes fix'd upon his Faults, and those aggravate your Aversion to him; and only hold him by this Handle, which is such a one that he cannot be held by; but rather take Notice of what good Qualities he has, and hold him by this Handle, which is a Handle he may be held by: Before you married him, you had Time of considering what his Defects were. A Husband is not to be chosen by the Eyes only, but by the Ears too. Now 'tis your Time to cure him, and not to find Fault with him.

_Xa._ What Woman ever made Choice of a Husband by her Ears?

_Eu._ She chuses a Husband by her Eyes, which looks at nothing else but his Person and bare Outside: She chuses him by her Ears, who carefully observes what Reputation he has in the World.

_Xa._ This is good Advice, but it is too late.

_Eu._ But it is not too late to endeavour to amend your Husband. It will contribute something to the Matter, if you could have any Children by him.

_Xa._ I have had one.

_Eu._ When?

_Xa._ A long Time ago.

_Eu._ How many Months?

_Xa._ Why, about Seven.

_Eu._ What do I hear! You put me in Mind of the Joke of the three Months Lying in.

_Xa._ By no Means.

_Eu._ It must be so, if you reckon from the Day of Marriage.

_Xa._ But I had some private Discourse with him before Marriage.

_Eu._ Are Children got by Talking?

_Xa._ He having by Chance got me into a Room by myself, began to play with me, tickling me about the Arm-pits and Sides, to make me laugh, and I not being able to bear being tickled any longer, threw myself flat upon the Bed, and he lying upon me, kiss'd me, and I don't know what he did to me besides; but this is certain, within a few Days after, my Belly began to swell.

_Eu._ Get you gone now, and slight a Husband, who if he can get Children jesting, what will he do if he sets about it in earnest?

_Xa._ I suspect that I am now with Child by him again.

_Eu._ O brave! to a good Soil, here's a good Ploughman to till it.

_Xa._ As to this Affair, he's better than I wish he was.

_Eu._ Very few Wives have this Complaint to make: But, I suppose, the Marriage Contract was made between you, before this happened.

_Xa._ It was made.

_Eu._ Then the Sin was so much the less. Is your Child a Boy?

_Xa._ It is.

_Eu._ That will reconcile you both, if you will but qualify yourself a little for it. What Sort of Character do your Husband's Companions give him? And what Company does he keep when he is abroad?

_Xa._ They give him the Character of an exceeding good-humour'd, courteous, generous Man, and a true Friend to his Friend.

_Eu._ These Things give me great Hopes, that he will become such as we would have him be.

_Xa._ But I am the only Person he is not so to.

_Eu._ Do you but be to him what I have told you, and if he does not begin to be so to you, instead of _Eulalia_ (a good Speaker), call me _Pseudolalia_ (a prating Liar); and besides, consider this, that he's but a young Man yet, I believe not above twenty-four Years of Age, and does not yet know what it is to be the Master of a Family. You must never think of a Divorce now.

_Xa._ But I have thought on it a great many Times.