The Colloquies of Erasmus Part 100

_Ir._ How do you do that?

_Mis._ I caution him by all Means, not rashly to trust Men of that Profession, for that they are most of them Cheats, that by their _hocus pocus_ Tricks, pick the Pockets of those that are not cautious.

_Ir._ That Prologue is not fit for your Business.

_Mis._ Nay, I add this further, that I would not have them believe me myself, unless they saw the Matter plainly with their own Eyes, and felt it with their Hands.

_Ir._ You speak of a wonderful Confidence you have in your Art.

_Mis._ I bid them be present all the While the Metamorphosis is under the Operation, and to look on very attentively, and that they may have the less Reason to doubt, to perform the whole Operation with their own Hands, while I stand at a Distance, and don't so much as put my Finger to it. I put them to refine the melted Matter themselves, or carry it to the Refiners to be done; I tell them beforehand, how much Silver or Gold it will afford: And in the last Place, I bid them carry the melted Ma.s.s to several Goldsmiths, to have it try'd by the Touchstone. They find the exact Weight that I told them; they find it to be the finest Gold or Silver, it is all one to me which it is, except that the Experiment in Silver is the less chargeable to me.

_Ir._ But has your Art no Cheat in it?

_Mis._ It is a mere Cheat all over.

_Ir._ I can't see where the Cheat lies.

_Mis._ I'll make you see it presently. I first make a Bargain for my Reward, but I won't be paid before I have given a Proof of the Thing itself: I give them a little Powder, as though the whole Business was effected by the Virtue of that; but I never tell them how to make it, except they purchase it at a very great Price. And I make them take an Oath, that for six Months they shall not discover the Secret to any Body living.

_Ir._ But I han't heard the Cheat yet.

_Mis._ The whole Mystery lies in one Coal, that I have prepared for this Purpose. I make a Coal hollow, and into it I pour melted Silver, to the Quant.i.ty I tell them before-Hand will be produc'd. And after the Powder is put in, I set the Pot in such a Manner, that it is cover'd all over, above, beneath, and Sides, with Coals, and I persuade them, that the Art consists in that; among those Coals that are laid at Top, I put in one that has the Silver or Gold in it, that being melted by the Heat of the Fire, falls down among the other Metal, which melts, as suppose Tin or Bra.s.s, and upon the Separation, it is found and taken out.

_Ir._ A ready Way; but, how do you manage the Fallacy, when another does it all with his own Hands?

_Mis._ When he has done every Thing, according to my Direction, before the Crucible is stirr'd, I come and look about, to see if nothing has been omitted, and then I say, that there seems to want a Coal or two at the Top, and pretending to take one out of the Coal-Heap, I privately lay on one of my own, or have laid it there ready before-Hand, which I can take, and no Body know any Thing of the Matter.

_Ir._ But when they try to do this without you, and it does not succeed, what Excuse have you to make?

_Mis._ I'm safe enough when I have got my Money. I pretend one Thing or other, either that the Crucible was crack'd, or the Coals naught, or the Fire not well tempered. And in the last Place, one Part of the Mystery of my Profession is, never to stay long in the same Place.

_Ir._ And is there so much Profit in this Art as to maintain you?

_Mis._ Yes, and n.o.bly too: And I would have you, for the future, if you are wise, leave off that wretched Trade of Begging, and follow ours.

_Ir._ Nay, I should rather chuse to bring you back to our Trade.

_Mis._ What, that I should voluntarily return again to that I have escap'd from, and forsake that which I have found profitable?

_Ir._ This Profession of ours has this Property in it, that it grows pleasant by Custom. And thence it is, that tho' many have fallen off from the Order of St. _Francis_ or St. _Benedict_, did you ever know any that had been long in our Order, quit it? For you could scarce taste the Sweetness of Beggary in so few Months as you follow'd it.

_Mis._ That little Taste I had of it taught me, that it was the most wretched Life in Nature.

_Ir._ Why does no Body quit it then?

_Mis._ Perhaps, because they are naturally wretched.

_Ir._ I would not change this Wretchedness, for the Fortune of a King.

For there is nothing more like a King, than the Life of a Beggar.

_Mis._ What strange Story do I hear? Is nothing more like Snow than a Coal?

_Ir._ Wherein consists the greatest Happiness of Kings?

_Mis._ Because in that they can do what they please.

_Ir._ As for that Liberty, than which nothing is sweeter, we have more of it than any King upon Earth; and I don't doubt, but there are many Kings that envy us Beggars. Let there be War or Peace we live secure, we are not press'd for Soldiers, nor put upon Parish-Offices, nor taxed.

When the People are loaded with Taxes, there's no Scrutiny into our Way of Living. If we commit any Thing that is illegal, who will sue a Beggar? If we beat a Man, he will be asham'd to fight with a Beggar?

Kings can't live at Ease neither in War or in Peace, and the greater they are, the greater are their Fears. The common People are afraid to offend us, out of a certain Sort of Reverence, as being consecrated to G.o.d.

_Mis._ But then, how nasty are ye in your Rags and Kennels?

_Ir._ What do they signify to real Happiness. Those Things you speak of are out of a Man. We owe our Happiness to these Rags.

_Mis._ But I am afraid a good Part of your Happiness will fail you in a short Time.

_Ir._ How so?

_Mis._ Because I have heard a Talk in the Cities, that there will be a Law, that Mendicants shan't be allow'd to stroll about at their Pleasure, but every City shall maintain its own Poor; and that they that are able shall be made to work.

_Ir._ What Reason have they for this?

_Mis._ Because they find great Rogueries committed under Pretence of Begging, and that there are great Inconveniencies arise to the Publick from your Order.

_Ir._ Ay, I have heard these Stones Time after Time, and they'll bring it about when the Devil's blind.

_Mis._ Perhaps sooner than you'd have it.

_The FABULOUS FEAST._

The ARGUMENT.

_The fabulous Feast contains various Stories and pleasant Tales._ Maccus _puts a Trick upon a Shoe-maker. A Fruiterer is put upon about her Figs. A very clever Cheat of a Priest, in relation to Money._ Lewis _the Eleventh, King of_ France, _eats some of a Country-Man's Turnips, and gives him 1000 Crowns for an extraordinary large one that he made a Present of to him. A certain Man takes a Louse off of the King's Garment, and the King gives him 40 Crowns for it. The Courtiers are trick'd. One asks for an Office, or some publick Employment. To deny a Kindness presently, is to bestow a Benefit._ Maximilian _was very merciful to his Debtors. An old Priest Cheats an Usurer._ Anthony _salutes one upon letting a Fart, saying the Backside was the cleanest Part of the Body._

POLYMYTHUS, GELASINUS, EUTRAPELUS, ASTaeUS, PHILYTHLUS, PHILOGELOS, EUGLOTTUS, LEROCHARES, ADOLESCHES, LEVINUS.

_Pol._ As it is unfitting for a well order'd City to be without Laws and without a Governor; so neither ought a Feast to be without Orders and a President.

_Ge._ If I may speak for the rest, I like it very well.

_Po._ Soho, Sirrah! bring hither the Dice, the Matter shall be determin'd by their Votes; he shall be our President that _Jupiter_ shall favour. O brave! _Eutrapelus_ has it, the fittest Man that could be chosen, if we had every individual Man of us thrown. There is an usual Proverb, that has more Truth in't than good Latin, _Novus Rex nova Lex, New Lords new Laws_. Therefore, King, make thou Laws.

_Eut._ That this may be a merry and happy Banquet, in the first Place I command, that no Man tell a Story but what is a ridiculous one. He that shall have no Story to tell, shall pay a Groat, to be spent in Wine; and Stories invented extempore shall be allow'd as legitimate, provided Regard be had to Probability and Decency. If no Body shall want a Story, let those two that tell, the one the pleasantest, and the other the dullest, pay for Wine. Let the Master of the Feast be at no Charge for Wine, but only for the Provisions of the Feast. If any Difference about this Matter shall happen, let _Gelasinus_ be Judge. If you agree to these Conditions, let 'em be ratified. He that won't observe the Orders, let him be gone, but with Liberty to come again to a Collation the next Day.