The Borowitz Report Part 10

Hated Saddam While at Yale, Frat Brother Says President George W. Bush wanted to invade Iraq back when he was a college student at Yale University, a former fraternity brother of the President revealed today.

"I wasn't the least bit surprised when we attacked Iraq last year," said Charles "Whiffy" Wiffington, a Delta Kappa Epsilon brother of the President's in the late 1960s. "This is something George has wanted to do since he was a freshman."

Mr. Wiffington said that Mr. Bush first brought up the notion of regime change in Iraq during halftime at a Harvard-Yale football game in New Haven.

"Yale had just pulled ahead of Harvard by a field goal," Mr. Wiffington remembered. "And George turned to me and said, 'Whiffy, Saddam's gotta go.'"

Although Mr. Hussein was merely a functionary in the Baath Party when Mr. Bush was at Yale, Mr. Bush remarked at numerous frat parties that the Iraqi might someday seize power, become evil, and need to be toppled, Mr. Wiffington said.

"At DKE, all we wanted to do was have bodacious keggers and meet girls, but all George could talk about was Saddam," Mr. Wiffington remembered. "We were like, 'George, cool it.'"

Mr. Wiffington said that after Mr. Bush was elected President of DKE his senior year, he proposed that the fraternity invade Iraq unilaterally.

"We had to talk him down from that," Mr. Wiffington said. "We were like, let's T.P. the Princeton bus instead."

President George W. Bush (pictured above) wanted to strike Saddam Hussein back when he was an undergraduate at Yale, friends say.

JUNE 17 NAMED "ATHLETES OBEY THE LAW DAY"

For 24 Hours Sports Stars Must Abide by Laws That Govern Rest of Us June 17 has been designated Athletes Obey the Law Day, a twenty-four-hour period in which professional sports stars are being asked "to voluntarily comply with the laws that govern ordinary people."

"For one day, we are asking athletes not to drive under the influence of alcohol, crack, marijuana, cocaine, or mushrooms," said a press release for the June 17 event, "and not to abuse, hara.s.s, beat up, key the car of, or burn down the house of wives, ex-wives, girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, business managers, accountants, or Halle Berry."

But the June 17 event faces stiff opposition from the athletes, who claim that obeying the law even for one day would be onerous and unfeasible.

"Athletes already have to obey a lot of rules on the field," said Gavin Herrick, leader of an NFL players' group. "Now, on top of that, we've got to obey the law off the field? I don't think so!"

In related news, a majority of Americans fear that they will someday be the victim of an athlete's wrath after an unfortunate encounter in a restaurant, bar, hotel, disco, nightclub, clothing store, parking lot or airport lounge.

When asked, "How worried are you that you may be attacked by a professional athlete in the next twelve months," 42 percent replied, "Somewhat worried"; 29 percent replied, "Very worried"; 28 percent replied, "Very, very worried"; and 1 percent replied, "I am being attacked by an athlete at this very moment."

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman was an outspoken critic of the controversial "Athletes Obey the Law Day."

BUSH: SADDAM STILL CAPTURED.

Approval Ratings Resurge on Reannouncement In a nationally televised address, President George W. Bush announced on Sunday that former Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein was "still captured."

"Saddam Hussein remains very much in U.S. custody, as he has been for the last two weeks," President Bush said. "To Mr. Saddam Hussein, our message is clear: You aren't going anywhere, Mr. Saddam Hussein."

The President said that he chose to reannounce the capture of the Iraqi madman on Sunday because that day marked the two-week anniversary of Saddam's arrest in Tikrit.

"Today is a day for all Americans to remember that great and special day that occurred two weeks ago," Mr. Bush reiterated.

President Bush's approval ratings, which had leveled off somewhat over the past week, resurged after the reannouncement of Saddam's capture.

Those political dividends suggest that the White House may carry through on a controversial plan devised by chief political strategist Karl Rove to reannounce the capture of Saddam Hussein every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

But political scientist David McCrory of the University of Minnesota warned that reannouncing the capture of the former Iraqi dictator on such a regular basis carries with it certain risks.

"Worst case scenario, people start tuning Mr. Bush out, like they do with Tom Ridge," he said.

Another proposal put forward by Mr. Rove is the so-called "catch and release" plan, in which Saddam Hussein would be released every few days, allowed to run away about fifteen yards and then recaptured by U.S. troops once more.

President Bush announcing Saddam Hussein's capture for the forty-seventh time last night.

IRAQIS FAIL TO LOVE RAYMOND.

Setback for Pentagon Planners The Pentagon today acknowledged that their attempt to introduce an American-style sitcom to post-Saddam Iraq had been a dismal failure, as Iraqis expressed their overwhelming disapproval of the CBs. .h.i.t Everybody Loves Raymond.

"We were operating under the a.s.sumption that everybody, indeed, loves Raymond," Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld told reporters. "Apparently, plenty of people hate Raymond, especially in the Shiite south."

The Shiites' hatred of Raymond runs deep, U.S. administrators in Iraq concede.

In Shiite strongholds like Basra where the program debuted over the weekend, Iraqis watched the sitcom in stony silence, seething as if mocked by the raucous laugh track.

"Why do they let that idiot [Doris Roberts] in their house?" said a visibly angry Ha.s.san El-Medfaai, 47. "If this is what democracy will bring, I'll have none of it."

Sources inside the Pentagon blamed the decision to broadcast Raymond on the advice of Iraqi exiles who had enjoyed the sitcom on American Airlines while jetting back and forth between London and Washington.

The discovery that Iraqis do not love Raymond is only the latest in a series of setbacks for the Pentagon planners, who last month unsuccessfully attempted to introduce Sara Lee breakfast treats to Iraq.

"Whoever said 'n.o.body doesn't like Sara Lee' never asked the Shiites," Mr. Rumsfeld acknowledged at the time.

The Pentagon will make one more attempt to introduce Western culture to Iraq next week by broadcasting the eighties dance single "Everybody w.a.n.g Chung Tonight" on a twenty-four-hour-a-day basis.

"If I had to guess, by the end of next week every citizen of Iraq will be w.a.n.g chunging," Mr. Rumsfeld said. "But I've been wrong before."

KIM'S BLOG When people ask me what's the best thing about North Korea being a closed society, it doesn't even take me a nanosecond to come up with an answer: "We don't have any American sitcoms here."

Oh, I know, it's an easy target. Everyone likes to complain about sitcoms, just the way some people like to b.i.t.c.h about a near-total absence of food. But even so, I see sitcoms for the scourge that they are because I see what the introduction of sitcoms has done to my neighbor, China.

People in the West don't know this, but China has gone absolutely sitcom-crazy since the introduction of them to the mainland back in the mid-1990s. I can't go to a nuclear summit there without President Hu Jintao saying "Kiss my grits!" or something r.e.t.a.r.ded like that. Sometimes I'll say "Dyn-o-mite" just to humor him, but my heart's not in it. Do you know whose face is on the paper money in China? If you guessed Mao, you're not even close-it's Scott Baio circa Charles in Charge.

My biggest fear, the one that keeps me up nights, is that American soldiers are going to pour over the demilitarized zone, seize all of North Korea's television transmitters and start broadcasting that show with Jim Belushi in it. I sleep with a gun by my pillow, and if that ever happens, yours truly is putting a bullet in his head.

RALPH NADER CONSIDERS WRECKING 2004 ELECTION.

But Prominent Crackpots Are Cool to Bid Activist Ralph Nader is considering wrecking the 2004 presidential election, carrying on an election-wrecking tradition he began in 2000, a.s.sociates of the spoiler said today.

Mr. Nader was huddling with prominent crackpots in Washington, D.C., today to determine whether he has enough support among wing-nuts and whack-jobs nationwide to mount an entirely meaningless campaign.

"If I wreck the 2004 election, I intend to wreck it in all fifty states," Mr. Nader told reporters today. "I have no intention of being merely a regional spoiler."

Mr. Nader added: "If you're going to screw up an election, screw it up big-time. My supporters expect nothing less from me."

But across the country, significant numbers of crackpots who have supported Mr. Nader in the past appeared to be cool to his latest bid to wreck the 2004 election.

"If I'm going to waste my vote, I want to be sure I'm wasting it on the right banana-head," said longtime crackpot Harlan Brill, who supported Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) in this week's Delaware primary. "It is time for Ralph Nader to step aside for a new generation of goofb.a.l.l.s."

For his part, Mr. Nader said that he would "listen to the voices of crackpots everywhere" before making a final decision to screw up the 2004 race.

If he decides not to run, Mr. Nader said, he will actively seek out people who are in the middle of The Da Vinci Code and wreck the ending for them.

"It won't be as satisfying as spoiling an entire election, but I think it will still be rewarding on some level," Mr. Nader said.

Many prominent crackpots want Ralph Nader (above) to step aside for a new generation of egomaniacal goofb.a.l.l.s.

EXPERTS GIVE THUMBS-UP TO FIRST-COUSIN MARRIAGES; HILLBILLIES, BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY JUBILANT.

State of Kentucky Declares Official Day of Celebration One day after experts announced that marriages between first cousins were significantly less risky than had previously been thought, jubilant cousin-fanciers praised the findings as a major step forward for inbreeders everywhere.

Reaction to the news was especially joyous in the state of Kentucky, which will celebrate the findings with an official state holiday, tentatively called Kissin' Cousins Day.

Elsewhere, exuberant hillbillies relished what many of them saw as a vindication of their inbreeding lifestyle.

"I'm just relieved that I won't have to lie about meeting my wife in high school anymore," said Dirk Wesson of Slug Hollow, West Virginia.

Amid the general euphoria, however, there was some carping in the hillbilly community that it took scientists so long to jump on the inbreeding bandwagon.

"We were ahead of the curve on this one," said Clem McGillicutty, a noted hillbilly and prominent inbreeding advocate. "Wonder how long it'll take those so-called 'experts' to recognize the health benefits of grain alcohol?"

Prince Charles (pictured) reacts to the news that first-cousin marriages carry few genetic risks.

On the other side of the Atlantic, a spokesman for the British royal family said that the Windsors were "pinching themselves" about the inbreeding developments.

"It's jolly good news," said Charles, the Prince of Wales. "It certainly opens up a fellow's options a bit, dating-wise."

Prince Charles has long been linked with British aristocrat Camilla Parker Bowles, but the new, bullish findings about inbreeding seemed to put a question mark over that relationship.

"All bets are off now," said Prince Charles. "I feel like a chap in a candy store."

SEGWAY CREATOR INVENTS "ROUND THINGY"

Amazing New Invention Shrouded in Secrecy Inventor Dean Kamen, who just six months ago created the Segway-a scooter unlike any scooter the world had ever seen-has done it again, this time inventing a "round thingy" that will revolutionize transportation.

Sources close to Kamen say that the round thingy-so shrouded in secrecy that it is referred to in its patent filing only as "the round thingy"-could be attached by means of an axle to other round thingies for use on cars, buses, trucks and other vehicles.

"When people see Dean's round thingy in action, it is absolutely going to rock their world," one a.s.sociate of Mr. Kamen said.

Critics of Mr. Kamen, however, were more skeptical of the Kamen camp's claims for its amazing new round thingy.

"Dean Kamen isn't the only person in the world who's been trying to develop a round thingy," said Dr. Louis Peverall of the Ma.s.sachusetts Inst.i.tute of Technology. "The question is whether his round thingy will succeed where so many other round thingies have failed."

Mr. Kamen, unfazed by the critics, is poised to unveil a series of other groundbreaking inventions in addition to his astonishing round thingy.

His new inventions include a writing implement fabricated from a sharpened piece of graphite encased in wood; an amazing lighting device that consists of an electrified filament contained in an airtight gla.s.s bulb; and a hand-held, gear-driven kitchen tool for the "beating" of eggs.

Segway creator Dean Kamen has been evasive on the subject of his latest invention, which he calls a "round thingy."