The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 55

FITNESS OF THINGS.

AN Irish sergeant, on a march, being attacked by a dog, pierced the animal with his halbert. On the complaint of the owner, the superior officer said to the offender, "Murphy, you were wrong in this. You should have struck the dog with the b.u.t.t end of your halbert, and not with your blade." "Plaise your honor," says Murphy, "and I would have been glad for to save myself the trouble of claining my iron, if he had only been so kind as to bite me with his tail, instead of his teeth."

LETTING ON.

A LAWYER, in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, till the opposite lawyer asked what made him cry? "He pinched me!" answered the little innocent. The whole court was convulsed with laughter.

AN INFALLIBLE RECEIPT.

AS Louis XIV. was, one severe frosty day, traveling from Versailles to Paris, he met a young man, very lightly clothed, tripping along in as much apparent comfort as if it had been in the midst of summer. He called him,--"How is it," said the king, "that, dressed as you are, you seem to feel no inconvenience from the cold, while, notwithstanding my warm apparel, I cannot keep from shivering?" "Sire," replied the pedestrian, "if your majesty will follow my example, I engage that you will be the warmest monarch of Europe." "How so?" asked the king. "Your majesty need only, like me, _carry all your wardrobe on your back_."

AN APT SCHOLAR.

"GEORGE, what does C A T spell?"

"Don't know, Sir."

"What does your mother keep to catch mice?"

"Trap, Sir."

"No, no, what animal is very fond of milk?"

"A baby, Sir."

"You dunce, what was it scratched your sister's face?"

"My nails, Sir."

"I am out of all patience! There, do you see that animal on the fence?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Do you know its name?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Then tell me what C A T spells."

"Kitten, Sir."

PROPENSITIES.

THE American General Lee, being one day at dinner where there were some Scotch officers, took occasion to say, that when he had got a gla.s.s too much, he had an unfortunate propensity to abuse the Scotch, and therefore should such a thing happen, he hoped they would excuse him.

"By all means," said one of the Caledonians, "we have all our failings, especially when in liquor. I have myself, when inebriated, a very disagreeable propensity, if I hear any person abusing my country, to take the first thing I can lay hold of, and knock that man down. I hope therefore the company will excuse me if anything of the kind should happen." General Lee did not that afternoon indulge his propensity.

UNCONSCIONABLE EXPECTATION.

A CULPRIT having been adjudged, on a conviction of perjury, to lose his ears, when the executioner came to put the sentence in force, he was rather disappointed at finding the fellow had been cropped before. The criminal with great _sang froid_ exclaimed, "What! do you think I am always obliged to find you ears?"

A CASE OF ALARM.

AN Irish gentleman, hearing that his widowed mother was married again, said, in great perturbation, "I hope she won't have a son _older than me_, to cut me out of the estate!"

INDIAN FINESSE.

SOON after the settlement of New England, Governor Dudley saw a stout Indian idling in the market-place of Boston, and asked him why he did not work? He said he had n.o.body to employ him, but added, "Why don't you work, ma.s.sa?" "Oh!" says the Governor, "my head works; but come, if you are good for any thing I will give you employment." He accordingly took him into his service, but soon found him to be an idle and thievish vagabond. For some tricks one day, his Excellency found it necessary to order him a whipping, which he did by a letter he desired him to carry, addressed to the provost marshal. Jack's guilty conscience made him suspect the contents, and meeting another Indian, he gave him a gla.s.s of rum to carry it for him. The poor devil willingly undertook to deliver it, and the marshal, as directed, caused the bearer to receive a hearty flogging. When this reached the Governor's ears, he asked Mr. Jack how he dared do such a thing. "Ah! ma.s.sa," said he, "_head work_!"

ECONOMICAL.

MRS. PARTINGTON says that she did not marry her second husband because she loved the male s.e.x, but just because he was the size of her first protector, and would come so good to wear his old clothes out.