The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 36

AN Irish gentleman, of tolerable a.s.surance, obtruded his company where he was far from being welcome; the master of the house, indeed, literally kicked him down stairs. Returning to some acquaintance whom he had told his intention of dining at the above house, and being asked why he had so soon returned, he answered, "I got a hint that my company was not agreeable."

PARLIAMENTARY ORATORY.

MR. ADDISON, whose abilities no man can doubt, was from diffidence totally unable to speak in the house. In a debate on the Union act, desirous of delivering his sentiments, he rose, and began, "Mr. Speaker, _I conceive_"--but could go no farther. Twice he repeated, unsuccessfully, the same attempt; when a young member, possessed of greater effrontery than ability, completely confused him, by rising and saying, "Mr. Speaker, the honourable gentleman _has conceived three times, and brought forth nothing_."

A SEVERE REPROOF.

THE late Duke of Grafton, one of the last of the old school of polished gentlemen, being seated with a party of ladies in the stage-box of Drury-lane theatre, a sprig of modern fashion came in booted and spurred. At the end of the act, the duke rose, and made the young man a low bow:

"I beg leave, Sir, in the name of these ladies, and for myself, to offer you our thanks for your forbearance."

"I don't understand you; what do you mean?"

"I mean, that as you have come in with your boots and spurs, to thank you for that you have not brought your horse too."

CANINE LEARNING.

A FOREIGNER would be apt to suppose that all the dogs of England were literary, on reading a notice on a board stuck up in a garden at Millbank: "All dogs found in this garden will be shot."

A STRATAGEM.

A TRAVELER coming, wet and cold, into a country ale-house on the coast of Kent, found the fire completely blockaded. He ordered the landlord to carry his horse half a peck of oysters. "He cannot eat oysters," said mine host. "Try him," quoth the traveller. The company all ran out to see the horse eat oysters. "He won't eat them, as I told you," said the landlord. "Then," coolly replied the gentleman, who had taken possession of the best seat, "bring them to me, and I'll eat them myself."

A NECESSARY HINT.

OVER the chimney-piece, in the parlor of a public house, in Fleet street, is this inscription: "_Gentlemen learning to spell, are requested to use yesterday's paper._"

A REASON.

A COUNTRY parish clerk, being asked how the inscriptions on the tombs in the church-yard were so badly spelled? "Because," answered _Amen_, "the people are so n.i.g.g.ardly, that they won't pay for good spelling."

CAPITAL JOKES.

WHILE a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If," replied Mr. Curran, "you have many such _jokes_ in your head, the sooner you _crack_ them the better."

RAPID TRAVELING.

A DIGNIFIED clergyman, possessor of a coal mine, respecting which he was likely to have a law-suit, sent for an attorney in order to have his advice. Our lawyer was curious to see a coal-pit, and was let down by a rope. Before he was lowered, he said to the parson, "Doctor, your knowledge is not confined to the surface of the world, but you have likewise penetrated to its inmost recesses; how far may it be from this to h.e.l.l?" "I don't know, exactly," answered he, gravely, "but if you let go your hold, _you'll be there in a minute_."

A MISAPPELLATION.

A YOUNG officer being indicted for an a.s.sault on an aged gentleman, Mr.

Erskine began to open the case thus: "This is an indictment against a soldier for a.s.saulting an old man." "Sir," indignantly interrupted the defendant, "I am no soldier, I am an officer!" "I beg your pardon," said Mr. Erskine; "then, gentlemen of the jury, this is an indictment against _an officer_, who is _no soldier_, for a.s.saulting an old man."

CONNUBIAL BLISS.

I ONCE met a free and easy actor, who told me he had pa.s.sed three festive days at the Marquis and Marchioness of ---- without any invitation, convinced (as proved to be the case) that my lord and my lady, not being on _speaking terms_, each would suppose the other had asked him.--_Reynold's Life and Times._

QUICK FIRING.

WHEN Mr. Thelwell was on his trial for high treason, he wrote this note to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead my own cause."

Erskine answered, "If you do, you'll be hanged." Thelwell replied, "I'll be hanged if I do."