The Battle of the Bays Part 8

Therefore ye Princelings, Plenipotentates, And Representatives of various States, A cool Imperial pint your Kaiser drains, Both to Our 'more immediate' domains, And to Our lands, Our isles beyond the sea, Our World-embracing Greater Germany!

Let loose the breathings of Our Royal Band, We give a rouse--_hoch! hoch!_--to HELGOLAND!

[_Kaiserliche Kapelle_ plays: _O Helgoland! mein Helgoland!_ Air--_Die Wacht am Rhein_.]

WILLIAM, KAISER, continues:--

There are that languish on this festal day d.a.m.ned and impounded for _lese-majeste_; We, William, in Our plent.i.tude of grace, Propose to pardon every hundredth case; And though their sentence was no more than just We offer each a copy of Our bust, With option of a fine; but, be it known, Whoso again shall deem his life his own, Or find in Ours the faintest flaw or fleck, G.o.d helping, We will hang him by the neck.

Yea, he shall surely curse his impious star That dares to question Who or where We are!

Worship your Caesar, and (C.V.) your G.o.d; Who spares the child may haply spoil the rod.

Many Our uniforms, but We are one, And one Our empire over which the sun, Careering on his cloud-compulsive way, Sets once, but never more than once, a day.

The seas are Ours: world-wide upon the oceans Our fleet commands the liveliest emotions; Go where you will, you find Our German manners Prevailing under other people's banners; Go where you will, you cannot but remark The cheap, but never nasty, German clerk; Observe Our exports; do you ever see Things made as they are made in Germany?

Always at home on Earth's remotest sh.o.r.es _E.g._, among Our loved, low-German Boers, Freely Our folk expectorate, and there Our German bands inflame the balmy air; Likewise again Our pa.s.sionate ba.s.soons Tickle the n.i.g.g.e.rs of the Cameroons; Or others over whom Our Eagle flaps In places not at present on the maps.

One more Imperial pint! your Kaiser drinks To German intercourse with missing links!

Let loose the breathings of Our Royal Band, We give--_hoch! hoch!_--Our glorious HINTERLAND!

[_Kaiserliche Kapelle_ plays: _O Hinterland! mein Hinterland!_ (Air as before); during which WILLIAM, KAISER, resumes his throne.]

XIII. 'THE s.p.a.cIOUS TIMES.'

[On Drake's return from his filibustering expedition of 1580 the Queen went on board his ship at Deptford, and after partaking of a banquet conferred on him the honour of knighthood, at the same time declaring herself mightily pleased with all that he had done.]

I wish that I had flourished then, When ruffs and raids were in the fashion, When Shakespeare's art and Raleigh's pen Encouraged patriotic pa.s.sion; For though I draw my happy breath Beneath a Queen as good and gracious, The times of Great Elizabeth Were more conveniently s.p.a.cious.

Large-hearted age of cakes and ale!

When, undeterred by nice conditions, Good Master Drake would lightly sail On little privateer commissions; Careering round with sword and flame And no pretence of polished manners, He planted out in England's name A most refreshing lot of banners.

Blest era, when the reckless tar, Elated by a sense of duty, Feared not to face his country's Bar But freely helped himself to booty; Returning home with bulging hold The Queen would meet him, much excited, p.r.o.nounce him worth his weight in gold And promptly have the hero knighted.

No Extra Special, piping hot, Broke out in unexpected Pyrrhics; No Poet Laureate on the spot Composed apologetic lyrics; Transpiring slowly by-and-by, The act was voted one of loyalty; The nation winked the other eye, And pocketed the usual royalty.

Ere Reuter yet had found his range, These trifles done across the ocean Produced upon the Stock Exchange No preternatural emotion; Not yet the Kaiserlich I AM Made winged words and then repented; He wrote as yet no telegram, Nor was, in fact, himself invented.

No Justice Hawkins gauged the fault Of irresponsible incursions; The early Hawkins, gallant salt, Knew well the charm of such diversions; Men never saw that moving sight When legal luminaries muster, And very solemnly indict A well-conducted filibuster.

No Member had the hardy nerve To criticise our depredations As unadapted to preserve The perfect comity of nations; No High Commissioner would doubt If brigandage was quite judicial; Indeed we mostly did without This rather eminent Official.

No Ministry would care a rap For theoretic arbitration; They simply modified the map To meet the latest annexation; And so without appeal to law, Or other needless waste of tissue, The Lion, where he put his paw, Remained and propagated issue.

To-day we wax exceeding fat On lands our roving fathers raided; And blush with holy horror at Their lawless sons who do as they did; No doubt the age improves a lot, It grows more honest, more veracious; But, as I said, the times are not Quite so conveniently s.p.a.cious.

NOTE

To the Editors of _The World_ and _The National Observer_, and to the Proprietors of _Punch_, I wish to express my thanks for their courtesy in permitting me to republish these verses.

O. S.